Well this hit home a little hard. I've had issues with food from a very young age, but mine was secretive over eating for comfort, something which continued through my teens, twenties and thirties. I was hugely overweight, very unhappy, caught in a self destructive spiral, until a big life change happened around my 40th birthday, which led me to join Weight Watchers and later to take up running. Ironically I think that I was kindest to myself during those two years of losing the weight, as I was determined to focus on eating healthily and changing my attitude to food, which worked whilst I had the weekly high of seeing the scales go down each week, but that high became all powerful and incredibly addictive and when I reached the goal weight I'd set myself all I wanted was to continue seeing that number on the scales get lower and lower. At the moment this feels particularly difficult. Controlling my eating feels like the only thing I am able to control at the moment. I don't think that disordered eating ever goes away. It's something I have talked about with my therapist, and through those conversations I hope that I'm beginning to recognise those patterns and thoughts and can redirect them in a kinder direction. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's something that I'm not alone in feeling, but it really helps to read that someone shares all those feelings too.
I hear you on all of this Sharon. The control aspect is wicked isn't it. When everything else feels out of control there's always food. I'm glad you got something out me sharing. Thank you for sharing too
As always, a beautiful look at the complexities of being human. I do, definitely, have perfectionist tendencies that stem from a chaotic, often violent, childhood. My struggles with food tip to the other extreme of emotional eating. I turn to food to soothe myself and it comes with its own challenges. Awareness is key. Also, understanding and empathy for ourselves as we navigate our way forward. Much love to you.
I have the emotional thing too Carolynn. It's always the kind of food that would soothe me as a kid too...sugary stuff like sweets. Much love to you too. I think so many of us struggle but even with all I talk about online, it's the hardest because it's soooooo complex and I totally understand that.
Yes, I can relate. I only recently discovered I’ve been dealing with an eating disorder from childhood. And yes, I used to restrict certain food categories before I found out. Still do (fellow vegetarian here) but much less restrictive now. I find when I’m stressed or very upset I don’t eat at all and my partner actually reminds me (gently) to eat some food. I understand why you don’t share this part of yourself. I don’t talk about it either because I’m afraid people would judge me. It definitely helps that the people closest to me are aware and supportive. It also helps to know I’m not alone in the struggle to be better at consuming less. I always remind myself too that living a more sustainable life cannot be perfect. Our best effort under circumstances is good enough. Thanks for sharing your story. ❤️
Exactly this Celeste. I feel able to put myself out there to be judged on most things but this... is a totally different ball game which I know you'll get. I'm glad your husband is there for you in that way, that's so great. You're most definitely not alone ❤️
I too suffer from an ED however I am at the opposite end of the scale (literally) I binge eat. Sometimes I purge, sometimes I don’t. I quit smoking at the start of 2022 and I haven’t had a cigarette since however I ate instead of smoking and gained 40kg, which is a lot but even more when you are only 5ft tall. So this years task is to start working on losing that. It’s not easy. I’m trying to just eat protein, fruit and vegetables (nothing processed) “Diet culture & wellness” is everywhere muddying the waters, making me more and more confused about how I should eat and move. So I just walk everyday and eat unprocessed food. For now I can’t do more than that (if I try a strict diet or workout program i am feeding my demons) I still have a long way to go but I’m trying to be kind to myself and not feel the need to meet anyone’s unrealistic standards, even my own!
You always write so eloquently. My take is that from life experience is that most people that are so critical of other people’s lives and voice their unwanted opinions, seem to be to have always been people that are insecure and envious, so strike out at others. No one is perfect. I had an overbearing mother, who has passed, who always thought I had to be perfect to the point where it makes one start to question their self worth, because some please you cannot please no matter what. I just could not please her, until she got dementia and did not know me at times and a father who you could not question anything in childhood. We are suppose to live our days doing what makes us happy and surrounding us with people that if we ask for advice fine, otherwise, take us for our worth. People should not dictate to others or push their ideals that they think on others. We all just do our part to make this earth better. I always had the theory, I walked proud, kept proud and was respected, worked hard, saved hard to have my own homes and to spend a life of travel; and if someone thought that wasn’t good enough, then please just move on. With all of this, because I have been all my life just not into meat or very little, which I have been bullied about, again I have just moved on from them. We are not children, we are adults and should all be given the chance to make our own decisions and do what pleases us. We only are here for 1 life and to have peace and no turmoil which some of us experienced in childhood. We have to function and do what gives us the peacefulness for our latter years. Let those critical people who undermine our ideals and food choices, move on to another person. We can only keep doing the best we can, in any small way, to make a difference and be true to ourselves. Well done Jessica. I have been following your vlogs for a very long time and you are doing a great job. Enjoy your life the way you want to. I always say we don’t have to keep explaining ourselves and think we need approval from others.
Dear Jessica, how you got into a relationship with narcissus was thought-provoking to me, and I could probably write a long article if not a book about how I feel about your post. In short, I am in a relationship with glow aka sensitive skin, glow was my worst enemy back in 2012... years ago glow and I finally made peace with each other, I even named my first hummingbird friend after glow, and now we are in this space of mutual acceptance and love. One of things I do when I feel negative energies is to go out and try to find a heart shape that day, which trains my nervous system to look for things that I truly desire, perhaps you would like to try that in Paris or England sometime. ❤️💃🏻
Such an honest and raw post Jessica. Thank you for sharing your experiences. For me the key word is balance. I find there is such extremism everywhere I look now. Whether it’s in lifestyle choices or politics or health or education. I find we judge ourselves so hard as to whether we have reached our “goals” or if something or someone has met or failed to meet our “expectation”.... I’ve recently taken a much more softer view of all of these things. Treading gently on the earth for me also means treading gently on myself and our human condition. Knowing that sometimes we just need to survive. I remind myself how privileged we must be to be able to consider alternative lifestyles. To have the flexibility to move where we want to, eat what we want to, west what we want to. I love that you have learnt to go gently with yourself. To show yourself love. I think when we can do that, we are able to do that for others, even when they are the opposite of our own choices 💛💛💛
After I had written the below noted, today I went for a walk to have a coffee and read my Financial Times to see what is happening in the UK. On the way to the coffee shop I have to walk by a church and posted on their electric sign that gives quotes, was the quote “Love thy neighbour, as you would love yourself”. When I opened my Financial Times I saw there was a large article in their magazine enclosed with the paper regarding Jo Malone, who has moved to Dubai and it was an interview. Oddly, she said she loves to purchase silk clothing and silk fabric at a certain shop in Dubai. I thought how uncanny after your newsletter and my comment that I should come across both of these quotes. PS. I see I made a grammar error in previous post, sorry about that, should know better, but then again not perfect.
This is such an important topic. I grew up with an chronically undereating mom who refused on principle to cook for anyone. I have had to learn as an adult how to feed myself and what health looks like. It’s been a struggle! And I definitely can fall into the over-restricting mindset.
I’ve been lucky to find a naturopath and dietician who both operate from a functional/holistic perspective and by trusting them have been able to reprogram my brain around food. But it took till age 40. I wonder if I could’ve avoided infertility during my 30s and other health issues had I figured this stuff out earlier. No way to know.
But talking about it and sharing your story with others is such a great way to help. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this. I don’t suffer with an eating disorder but I do also live what you have described as restrictive lifestyles and in the past punished myself for not being perfect. I tend to be an all or nothing person. When I began getting into environmentalism, I went all in. Vegetarian then vegan, zero waste, buying nothing new, a limited wardrobe. Only using expensive eco products. But inevitably I failed because society is not set up to be eco friendly. And I couldn’t really afford it. Blogging about sustainability and then being angry at myself for not being the perfect example of what I preached. I made myself miserable, limiting myself to a basic wardrobe (only t shirts and jeans and the odd charity shop find) and not dying my hair (I don’t feel like me without red hair). I’d waste money on plastic free food that often ended up rotting (and then I’d hate myself for wasting food). I’d judge other people for not making the same effort. Over the years I have become much more relaxed and accepted perfection is impossible. But it is definitely something I still struggle with.
This is such beautiful nuanced writing, thank you. And I think you are spot on. No one can be perfect and those who demand perfection from others online are probably deeply unhappy themselves.
Apr 21, 2023·edited Apr 21, 2023Liked by Jessica Rose Williams
Thanks Jess for this heart-felted piece <3
I totally can relate. Since I navigated depression in 2021/2022, I gave myself a lot more permission and tried to loosen up my rigidity. I chose a vegan lifestyle 8 years ago or so and I'm far from perfect. I eat cheese sometimes and chocolate with milk. I'm a queer woman married with an heterosexual man and I'm a writer with no published book (yet).
I decided that everything I am and I do is enough, even if it's far for perfect. Life is about pleasure, right? :)
I saw those YouTube comments and they were ridiculous! Great response. And considering how much clothing you don’t buy vs the rest of us I’d say you’re doing just fine on sustainability!
I love what you said about linking self worth to how well we follow rules. This is big! And I definitely do this. How many wellness checkboxes can I tick?! Like I’m trying to pass some sort of test. It’s exhausting.
Jessica I am also super keen to join your stories masterclass however it will be 4:30am for me in Australia. If I can I will get up and join your live but if I fail to do that will you record it for paid subs? X
Well this hit home a little hard. I've had issues with food from a very young age, but mine was secretive over eating for comfort, something which continued through my teens, twenties and thirties. I was hugely overweight, very unhappy, caught in a self destructive spiral, until a big life change happened around my 40th birthday, which led me to join Weight Watchers and later to take up running. Ironically I think that I was kindest to myself during those two years of losing the weight, as I was determined to focus on eating healthily and changing my attitude to food, which worked whilst I had the weekly high of seeing the scales go down each week, but that high became all powerful and incredibly addictive and when I reached the goal weight I'd set myself all I wanted was to continue seeing that number on the scales get lower and lower. At the moment this feels particularly difficult. Controlling my eating feels like the only thing I am able to control at the moment. I don't think that disordered eating ever goes away. It's something I have talked about with my therapist, and through those conversations I hope that I'm beginning to recognise those patterns and thoughts and can redirect them in a kinder direction. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's something that I'm not alone in feeling, but it really helps to read that someone shares all those feelings too.
I hear you on all of this Sharon. The control aspect is wicked isn't it. When everything else feels out of control there's always food. I'm glad you got something out me sharing. Thank you for sharing too
As always, a beautiful look at the complexities of being human. I do, definitely, have perfectionist tendencies that stem from a chaotic, often violent, childhood. My struggles with food tip to the other extreme of emotional eating. I turn to food to soothe myself and it comes with its own challenges. Awareness is key. Also, understanding and empathy for ourselves as we navigate our way forward. Much love to you.
I have the emotional thing too Carolynn. It's always the kind of food that would soothe me as a kid too...sugary stuff like sweets. Much love to you too. I think so many of us struggle but even with all I talk about online, it's the hardest because it's soooooo complex and I totally understand that.
Yes, I can relate. I only recently discovered I’ve been dealing with an eating disorder from childhood. And yes, I used to restrict certain food categories before I found out. Still do (fellow vegetarian here) but much less restrictive now. I find when I’m stressed or very upset I don’t eat at all and my partner actually reminds me (gently) to eat some food. I understand why you don’t share this part of yourself. I don’t talk about it either because I’m afraid people would judge me. It definitely helps that the people closest to me are aware and supportive. It also helps to know I’m not alone in the struggle to be better at consuming less. I always remind myself too that living a more sustainable life cannot be perfect. Our best effort under circumstances is good enough. Thanks for sharing your story. ❤️
Exactly this Celeste. I feel able to put myself out there to be judged on most things but this... is a totally different ball game which I know you'll get. I'm glad your husband is there for you in that way, that's so great. You're most definitely not alone ❤️
*trigger warning*
I too suffer from an ED however I am at the opposite end of the scale (literally) I binge eat. Sometimes I purge, sometimes I don’t. I quit smoking at the start of 2022 and I haven’t had a cigarette since however I ate instead of smoking and gained 40kg, which is a lot but even more when you are only 5ft tall. So this years task is to start working on losing that. It’s not easy. I’m trying to just eat protein, fruit and vegetables (nothing processed) “Diet culture & wellness” is everywhere muddying the waters, making me more and more confused about how I should eat and move. So I just walk everyday and eat unprocessed food. For now I can’t do more than that (if I try a strict diet or workout program i am feeding my demons) I still have a long way to go but I’m trying to be kind to myself and not feel the need to meet anyone’s unrealistic standards, even my own!
You always write so eloquently. My take is that from life experience is that most people that are so critical of other people’s lives and voice their unwanted opinions, seem to be to have always been people that are insecure and envious, so strike out at others. No one is perfect. I had an overbearing mother, who has passed, who always thought I had to be perfect to the point where it makes one start to question their self worth, because some please you cannot please no matter what. I just could not please her, until she got dementia and did not know me at times and a father who you could not question anything in childhood. We are suppose to live our days doing what makes us happy and surrounding us with people that if we ask for advice fine, otherwise, take us for our worth. People should not dictate to others or push their ideals that they think on others. We all just do our part to make this earth better. I always had the theory, I walked proud, kept proud and was respected, worked hard, saved hard to have my own homes and to spend a life of travel; and if someone thought that wasn’t good enough, then please just move on. With all of this, because I have been all my life just not into meat or very little, which I have been bullied about, again I have just moved on from them. We are not children, we are adults and should all be given the chance to make our own decisions and do what pleases us. We only are here for 1 life and to have peace and no turmoil which some of us experienced in childhood. We have to function and do what gives us the peacefulness for our latter years. Let those critical people who undermine our ideals and food choices, move on to another person. We can only keep doing the best we can, in any small way, to make a difference and be true to ourselves. Well done Jessica. I have been following your vlogs for a very long time and you are doing a great job. Enjoy your life the way you want to. I always say we don’t have to keep explaining ourselves and think we need approval from others.
Dear Jessica, how you got into a relationship with narcissus was thought-provoking to me, and I could probably write a long article if not a book about how I feel about your post. In short, I am in a relationship with glow aka sensitive skin, glow was my worst enemy back in 2012... years ago glow and I finally made peace with each other, I even named my first hummingbird friend after glow, and now we are in this space of mutual acceptance and love. One of things I do when I feel negative energies is to go out and try to find a heart shape that day, which trains my nervous system to look for things that I truly desire, perhaps you would like to try that in Paris or England sometime. ❤️💃🏻
Such an honest and raw post Jessica. Thank you for sharing your experiences. For me the key word is balance. I find there is such extremism everywhere I look now. Whether it’s in lifestyle choices or politics or health or education. I find we judge ourselves so hard as to whether we have reached our “goals” or if something or someone has met or failed to meet our “expectation”.... I’ve recently taken a much more softer view of all of these things. Treading gently on the earth for me also means treading gently on myself and our human condition. Knowing that sometimes we just need to survive. I remind myself how privileged we must be to be able to consider alternative lifestyles. To have the flexibility to move where we want to, eat what we want to, west what we want to. I love that you have learnt to go gently with yourself. To show yourself love. I think when we can do that, we are able to do that for others, even when they are the opposite of our own choices 💛💛💛
Thank you for sharing your story with your audience. There are many folks who will find comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone.
After I had written the below noted, today I went for a walk to have a coffee and read my Financial Times to see what is happening in the UK. On the way to the coffee shop I have to walk by a church and posted on their electric sign that gives quotes, was the quote “Love thy neighbour, as you would love yourself”. When I opened my Financial Times I saw there was a large article in their magazine enclosed with the paper regarding Jo Malone, who has moved to Dubai and it was an interview. Oddly, she said she loves to purchase silk clothing and silk fabric at a certain shop in Dubai. I thought how uncanny after your newsletter and my comment that I should come across both of these quotes. PS. I see I made a grammar error in previous post, sorry about that, should know better, but then again not perfect.
This is such an important topic. I grew up with an chronically undereating mom who refused on principle to cook for anyone. I have had to learn as an adult how to feed myself and what health looks like. It’s been a struggle! And I definitely can fall into the over-restricting mindset.
I’ve been lucky to find a naturopath and dietician who both operate from a functional/holistic perspective and by trusting them have been able to reprogram my brain around food. But it took till age 40. I wonder if I could’ve avoided infertility during my 30s and other health issues had I figured this stuff out earlier. No way to know.
But talking about it and sharing your story with others is such a great way to help. Thank you.
Thanks for sharing this. I don’t suffer with an eating disorder but I do also live what you have described as restrictive lifestyles and in the past punished myself for not being perfect. I tend to be an all or nothing person. When I began getting into environmentalism, I went all in. Vegetarian then vegan, zero waste, buying nothing new, a limited wardrobe. Only using expensive eco products. But inevitably I failed because society is not set up to be eco friendly. And I couldn’t really afford it. Blogging about sustainability and then being angry at myself for not being the perfect example of what I preached. I made myself miserable, limiting myself to a basic wardrobe (only t shirts and jeans and the odd charity shop find) and not dying my hair (I don’t feel like me without red hair). I’d waste money on plastic free food that often ended up rotting (and then I’d hate myself for wasting food). I’d judge other people for not making the same effort. Over the years I have become much more relaxed and accepted perfection is impossible. But it is definitely something I still struggle with.
This is such beautiful nuanced writing, thank you. And I think you are spot on. No one can be perfect and those who demand perfection from others online are probably deeply unhappy themselves.
Thanks Jess for this heart-felted piece <3
I totally can relate. Since I navigated depression in 2021/2022, I gave myself a lot more permission and tried to loosen up my rigidity. I chose a vegan lifestyle 8 years ago or so and I'm far from perfect. I eat cheese sometimes and chocolate with milk. I'm a queer woman married with an heterosexual man and I'm a writer with no published book (yet).
I decided that everything I am and I do is enough, even if it's far for perfect. Life is about pleasure, right? :)
you're welcome lovely. I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. Obviously I LOVE your way of thinking. Cheering you on xxx
I saw those YouTube comments and they were ridiculous! Great response. And considering how much clothing you don’t buy vs the rest of us I’d say you’re doing just fine on sustainability!
thanks Victoria! The more secure I get in myself and living in accordance to my values the less it bothers me.
I love what you said about linking self worth to how well we follow rules. This is big! And I definitely do this. How many wellness checkboxes can I tick?! Like I’m trying to pass some sort of test. It’s exhausting.
Jessica I am also super keen to join your stories masterclass however it will be 4:30am for me in Australia. If I can I will get up and join your live but if I fail to do that will you record it for paid subs? X
Yes it’s all recorded so you can watch back xx