What’s really lurking underneath ‘wellness’ lifestyles?
Why some of us are sitting ducks and how to find realistic balance
*trigger warning - this post contains discussion around eating disorders.
Hello you!
My eating disorder started when I was 10. I don’t write about it often and I talk about it even less. It never felt safe to talk about when I was younger, it was the unspoken elephant in the room and this has transcended into adulthood as these things do. To this day, after 25 years of living alongside narcissus (the name I came up with for my eating disorder with the help of my therapist) I have only spoken about it to a handful of people. The only time I feel able to have an open conversation about it is with another who has suffered too. This is what prompted me to write about it today, to help anyone else in the same situation feel less alone.
I will make every excuse possible not to eat. When I got to Paris and saw the price of food I had an excuse to buy as little as possible. When the hob in my airbnb wouldn’t work and the host didn’t reply to my message about it I had an excuse to not cook. I will take any excuse I can. This is part of my illness and it knows no bounds. It doesn’t care about my health or wellbeing and it will use any story possible to warp my conscious mind.
Coincidently (except I don’t believe in coincidences) I became vegetarian when I was 10, exactly the same time my eating disorder and desperation for control began. This was all linked to a couple of major life events. Firstly we moved house to a town where I knew nobody so I could start a religious school where I knew nobody. Secondly my period started and my body developed. Hello 34c breasts I had no idea what to do with! Then there were the curves, shape, weight in places there once was none. I was becoming a woman and it was all out of my control. I resented my body for such a betrayal. Nobody else looked like me, or so I thought - this was also the beginning of my body dysmorphia. I wanted to get back control and food was my weapon of choice. Narcissus had arrived and he had a lot to say.
From this point I was drawn to restrictive lifestyles but I was convinced it was morals based and still believe this to be partly true. I do care deeply about animals. I do care deeply about the environment. In the years that followed I stopped wearing leather, wool, silk, buying anything tested on animals and at one point strived to be completely zero waste before failing miserably. Exactly the same as with my eating disorder I’d strive for perfection and punish myself for being anything less. I attached my self-worth to how many rules I could follow even if they hindered my wellbeing. My mind was so warped I actually felt proud of myself for not buying lunch because all the options I like were wrapped in plastic. It was ok because I was doing my part to save the planet. I was literally punishing myself for being a normal person trying to do better. Nothing was good enough and this all fed into my core belief at the time that I wasn’t good enough.
Things are different now. I don’t consider myself a recovered person nor do I consider myself ill. I find living alongside an eating disorder is like riding a wave and for me personally, a daily battle. Where I sit on the spectrum depends on what’s going on in my life but my disorder has never really gone away. The volume of the hardwired thoughts and beliefs I have fluctuates and I’m always discovering new blindspots that distort my thinking through working to raise my levels of self-awareness. The journey seems to have no end. What has changed is the ability I have to step in and have a word with myself when necessary…out of love. This is how I’ve found balance, realism and acceptance that it’s ok not to be perfect, because perfection doesn’t exist. Now I do my best but I also do what works for me, what feels good and congratulate myself all the same.
When I get negative comments online, they’re almost always in reference to my lifestyle choices. People are outraged that I use language like minimalism, veganism and sustainability but create a version that works for me, that is less than perfect, changes alongside my personal growth and that I’m ok with that. I’m accused of being a fraud, fake, that I’m tricking people. I can’t help but wonder if these commenters suffer from the same incessant madness as me. The overwhelming desire to put everything in boxes so it makes sense, striving for perfection, trying to see the world in black and white and follow all the so called rules that make us more worthy humans. I totally get it. I’ve been there, looking to others for the answers, for guidance. It’s no good though and as I’ve progressed along my own path I’ve realised there are no boxes when it comes to our world or ourselves.
Even the strictest vegan you can find will at some point partake in non-vegan living because this is how our world is constructed - and this doesn’t make them a bad person. From personal experience, those who appear to be living the most perfectly online are often the ones punishing themselves the most behind the scenes. They aren’t to be envied. We’re not defined by how well we live our lives or how perfect we appear to be online, we’re defined by our intentions and our contribution to the world. Even with the best intentions we cannot single handedly save our planet or perfect our bodies and loading ourselves with such a responsibility robs us of the pleasure we’re entitled to. And what is life without pleasure?
I’m not saying these lifestyle movements I’ve labelled as restrictive can’t provide abundance when approached with a positive attitude. I’ve created a life I love through opting out of the retrace and focusing on what actually adds value to my life. I do think there is a balance to be found though and some of us are more prone to getting the bit between our teeth than others. I think these lifestyle movements need to be approached with caution and a lot of self-love but I also think they appeal to those who lack such characteristics yet need them the most.
I’m curious…can you relate to any of this? Are you drawn to restrictive lifestyles too? How do you manage this and find balance?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Well this hit home a little hard. I've had issues with food from a very young age, but mine was secretive over eating for comfort, something which continued through my teens, twenties and thirties. I was hugely overweight, very unhappy, caught in a self destructive spiral, until a big life change happened around my 40th birthday, which led me to join Weight Watchers and later to take up running. Ironically I think that I was kindest to myself during those two years of losing the weight, as I was determined to focus on eating healthily and changing my attitude to food, which worked whilst I had the weekly high of seeing the scales go down each week, but that high became all powerful and incredibly addictive and when I reached the goal weight I'd set myself all I wanted was to continue seeing that number on the scales get lower and lower. At the moment this feels particularly difficult. Controlling my eating feels like the only thing I am able to control at the moment. I don't think that disordered eating ever goes away. It's something I have talked about with my therapist, and through those conversations I hope that I'm beginning to recognise those patterns and thoughts and can redirect them in a kinder direction. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's something that I'm not alone in feeling, but it really helps to read that someone shares all those feelings too.
As always, a beautiful look at the complexities of being human. I do, definitely, have perfectionist tendencies that stem from a chaotic, often violent, childhood. My struggles with food tip to the other extreme of emotional eating. I turn to food to soothe myself and it comes with its own challenges. Awareness is key. Also, understanding and empathy for ourselves as we navigate our way forward. Much love to you.