You've absolutely hit on all that's "off" about on-line dating, from my experience of it, anyway. I met my husband late in life. We were both in our early 50's and we met while taking dance classes. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and while married life hasn't been a bed of roses, we're growing together. I know someone personally who met her husband through a dating app. They're happily married with 2 kids, so it does happen, but I think they're the unicorns. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." Go live your life. Love will find you. 💕
oh I love this!!!! I love hearing how people meet. It's my favourite question to ask someone. It definitely does happen but it was time for me to step back
I hear you! I actually met my partner through an online date - my first! It's been 5 years now, but we still have separate lives and homes because I have the sorts of fears and past trauma you describe. It works for us, though our families are confused that we don't live together. On a side note, you might meet someone through Hope? Dog people are always open to a conversation and it is something you have in common right away. Take care. There's no rush.
Such a good piece. I keep deleting and going back on but I agree with everything you say! I’m following someone called Shani silver who wrote single revolution - she and her book are great - she also does a pod cast - take a listen x
I did online dating back when it was Match etc - the days before the apps. Even then it was a bit tiresome! And there was no swiping in those days. I actually ended up meeting my husband unexpectedly in the pub after work through friends of friends. 💕
OMG YES! I've always struggled with dating apps - it felt like shopping at a supermarket when I wasn't sure what I needed or even whether I wanted to buy anything in the first place. I've only been on them a couple of times and each time I've come off them after a couple of days, brain hurting from the onslaught and potential partners confused about why I was on the app when I'd tell them I didn't know whether I was looking for a relationship or not.
Ironically, I met my last partner through a 2 day dalliance on one app, encouraged by a friend who'd seen a different person and thought we'd match. We've been together ever since and are very much in love...
Good for you!! I couldn’t agree with your observations more. I’ve been dating app-free for almost 2 years now and I can honestly say my self-esteem and confidence are in a much better place.
I’m in my early 50s and I’ve been single for the past 6 years. For the last two years I’ve been pretty much dating myself, learning to love me. I think that only after I know who I really am will I be able to truly love another person. I found those sites to be particularly addictive especially immediately following my divorce when I was searching for anything to boost my ego or bolster my self-esteem. The handful of brief relationships I had from the sites were very surface level and not fulfilling. Realizing I wasn’t even sure what I wanted or even who I really was I left the dating app scene. Now 2 years removed my emotional health is better and I’ve learned to become very comfortable being on my own. If I meet someone someday that’ll be fantastic but if I don’t I’ve accepted that that’s ok too. I’ve met tons of new people and have a lot of friends without an app, so if I meet and fall for someone I think it’ll be organically. Best of luck to you!!
I met my parter on a dating app and many friends but I did not approach it looking to find “the one”- I looked for people who made me curious or made me laugh or who were nerdy about the same niche things so that I knew even if we didn’t have chemistry we would have decent conversation or an interesting date and my secret as a huge introvert was to always end in nachos because I knew even if the date turned awful- nachos. My partner now is a performer and when I saw them on stage I was like- Damn! But without an app I would have never had the confidence to go up and introduce myself. I think meet cutes are ideal but the reality for me is if someone approached me in real life I would assume they were a murderer 😂. Anyway- all that to say- follow your own truth 💓
Great reflection Jessica! You lasted a lot longer than I using dating apps! I could only stomach it for 3 days! I prefer the organic route. The most important relationship anyone could cultivate is the one they have with themselves. You sleep with you every night til death do you part. (The other important relationship, I believe, is with god.) Every else stems from there & you’re doing the inner work!!! That takes so much courage and strength. I hope you feel so much love that your cup is full and you can enjoy whoever or whatever comes into and out of your life. I also been learning about secure attachment & found this video helpful
This is really interesting. While I agree with a lot of your take on dating apps, the one thing that doesn’t match my experience is the idea of too much choice... I think it must be an age thing, but as a woman in my late 40s who doesn’t live in a large city, the lack of viable options is far more of an issue! I hate the apps, but I did meet a couple of people I’m very glad I met. I think ultimately they need to be seen as a completely different way to meet new people. If you can cope with their limitations they can be useful - though never ideal...
So true Jessica! I just lasted 24 h on a dating app. I felt instantly that it was not for me. It’s like you said, too many choices and by the end it felt all to superficial.
I know quite a few people who met their partner on dating apps, and also quite a few people who have met really good friends on them too (myself included). But dating apps are still difficult.
I have had long talks with one of my good friends about this. She is in her early 40s and she is single and, like you, Jess, she longs for a connection. But the trouble is that the potential partners she meets on dating apps seem so superficial, in lack of a better word. The apps are so quick. There seems to be some sort of formula as to what to write in your profile, and dishonesty to some degree too. There is a lack of depth in the meetings online, and yes - it feels like the matches are disposable. My friend longs for deep connections, but where on earth do you find them?
I am not looking for a partner (am aroace) so I get to watch this from the sidelines and it seems so filled with sorrow to me. There are so many people looking for deep connections with a partner, and we seem to have unlearned how to find them in a slower pace, letting them grow deep roots. I do think, however, that writings and reflections like this one you wrote, Jess, are helping to change this.
Been there and done the dating app, after my divorce and persuasion of friends at work. I know willy what you mean, it was a vicious circle connecting. Pictures didn’t match, job descriptions did not match and so when I finally agreed to meet and was not meeting a person in their profile or job it got discouraging. I got frustrated when I put in my lifestyle, legal professional for eg, well travelled, like the fine arts and I ended up with these men lying about their details, but never telling me until I met up with them. Fortunately, I only met each one once and said to heck with it, I go out to cafes and restaurants, I look like a nice decent respectable person, so let them find me when I am out sitting somewhere or a hobby I have, low and behold met my best friend in the line up at the grocery store, who happened to have lived near me previously and observed me. We are longstanding friends, and so I always think, if I can meet a decent person as a friend this way out and about and they found me interesting,, then surely, I can find a person, who has some connection to me or me a connection to them, but then again, I am forever getting cold feet and not trusting. That’s something I have to deal with. Having this friend who is in my life daily and kind to me and caring as brought some hope there has to be another individual that is marriage material out there who finds, a well travelled, respectively looking and totally independent money wise or established. If not then there isn’t much I can do. No more dating apps for me. I did not find anyone sincere when I did it. I think you will connect with someone at a French cafe or a gallery or go on a writer’s retreat at the Chateau St. Germaine and perhaps you will connect. Apps where a set up for failure for me. Almost like speed dating and I felt like I was just a number and I want to feel special. If men are so insecure these days to approach a woman in public like the good old days, it is very sad. Human contact in a social setting seems to have gone by the wayside, and men just sitting at night to fill in some time on their computers surfing the web for just fun and not seriously. looking. I’m looking for serious. App dating reminded me of speed dating. Good luck on your new way of dating. French cafe, gallery tour.. I met so many nice people in London when I travel there, just even out having breakfast or for eg. at the cafe in the courtyard of the V&A. I think that’s the route to go. Best of Luck.
I did it once and was married for 15 years as a result. Worked okay; it would have been nearly impossible to meet her any other way. But my current spouse I found the more traditional way, and I think I prefer it for honesty and commitment. (My "dating app" was a newspaper feature before computers became so ubiquitous.) Jessica, do what your heart desires.
Just over a week ago I tentatively logged on and set up my profile on a dating app, my first experience of using one, and to be honest it terrifies me. I feel simultaneously over and under whelmed by it; overwhelmed by the seemingly never ending profiles, underwhelmed by how I feel when looking at all those profiles. I think I am still hoping for that simple, but lovely, meet cute, something that catches you unexpectedly. I think you are in such an exciting place in your life at the moment where anything is possible, and anything might happen, and being brave enough to be open to all the new experiences and ways of living might bring love into your life in the most unexpected and surprising ways.
You've absolutely hit on all that's "off" about on-line dating, from my experience of it, anyway. I met my husband late in life. We were both in our early 50's and we met while taking dance classes. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and while married life hasn't been a bed of roses, we're growing together. I know someone personally who met her husband through a dating app. They're happily married with 2 kids, so it does happen, but I think they're the unicorns. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." Go live your life. Love will find you. 💕
oh I love this!!!! I love hearing how people meet. It's my favourite question to ask someone. It definitely does happen but it was time for me to step back
Me, too. When you consider how many people are in the world, it's fascinating to hear how two people met and fell in love.
and also a beautiful reminder that love is a choice we make every day
I think meeting someone through a shared interest is the way forwards. I tried a dating app a few years ago. Ghastly.
I hear you! I actually met my partner through an online date - my first! It's been 5 years now, but we still have separate lives and homes because I have the sorts of fears and past trauma you describe. It works for us, though our families are confused that we don't live together. On a side note, you might meet someone through Hope? Dog people are always open to a conversation and it is something you have in common right away. Take care. There's no rush.
No rush whatsoever. That's great your first date worked out for you that way ❤️❤️
Such a good piece. I keep deleting and going back on but I agree with everything you say! I’m following someone called Shani silver who wrote single revolution - she and her book are great - she also does a pod cast - take a listen x
I hear this so much! It all depends what stage you're at and how you use them I think. I'll take a look at her. Thank you for sharing xx
I did online dating back when it was Match etc - the days before the apps. Even then it was a bit tiresome! And there was no swiping in those days. I actually ended up meeting my husband unexpectedly in the pub after work through friends of friends. 💕
OMG YES! I've always struggled with dating apps - it felt like shopping at a supermarket when I wasn't sure what I needed or even whether I wanted to buy anything in the first place. I've only been on them a couple of times and each time I've come off them after a couple of days, brain hurting from the onslaught and potential partners confused about why I was on the app when I'd tell them I didn't know whether I was looking for a relationship or not.
Ironically, I met my last partner through a 2 day dalliance on one app, encouraged by a friend who'd seen a different person and thought we'd match. We've been together ever since and are very much in love...
Good for you!! I couldn’t agree with your observations more. I’ve been dating app-free for almost 2 years now and I can honestly say my self-esteem and confidence are in a much better place.
I’m in my early 50s and I’ve been single for the past 6 years. For the last two years I’ve been pretty much dating myself, learning to love me. I think that only after I know who I really am will I be able to truly love another person. I found those sites to be particularly addictive especially immediately following my divorce when I was searching for anything to boost my ego or bolster my self-esteem. The handful of brief relationships I had from the sites were very surface level and not fulfilling. Realizing I wasn’t even sure what I wanted or even who I really was I left the dating app scene. Now 2 years removed my emotional health is better and I’ve learned to become very comfortable being on my own. If I meet someone someday that’ll be fantastic but if I don’t I’ve accepted that that’s ok too. I’ve met tons of new people and have a lot of friends without an app, so if I meet and fall for someone I think it’ll be organically. Best of luck to you!!
Absolutely agree that a lack of respect
I met my parter on a dating app and many friends but I did not approach it looking to find “the one”- I looked for people who made me curious or made me laugh or who were nerdy about the same niche things so that I knew even if we didn’t have chemistry we would have decent conversation or an interesting date and my secret as a huge introvert was to always end in nachos because I knew even if the date turned awful- nachos. My partner now is a performer and when I saw them on stage I was like- Damn! But without an app I would have never had the confidence to go up and introduce myself. I think meet cutes are ideal but the reality for me is if someone approached me in real life I would assume they were a murderer 😂. Anyway- all that to say- follow your own truth 💓
totally get EVERY SINGLE WORD of this lol
Great reflection Jessica! You lasted a lot longer than I using dating apps! I could only stomach it for 3 days! I prefer the organic route. The most important relationship anyone could cultivate is the one they have with themselves. You sleep with you every night til death do you part. (The other important relationship, I believe, is with god.) Every else stems from there & you’re doing the inner work!!! That takes so much courage and strength. I hope you feel so much love that your cup is full and you can enjoy whoever or whatever comes into and out of your life. I also been learning about secure attachment & found this video helpful
10 Things Securely Attached People Look For In A Partner - https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=RRhlXZfk0WI&pp=ygUeaGVpZGkgcHJpZWJlIHNlY3VyZSBhdHRhY2htZW50
If you don’t watch there’s a summary I left in the comments which has some good journal prompts.
Sending a lot of love, support & encouragement your way. Xo
This is really interesting. While I agree with a lot of your take on dating apps, the one thing that doesn’t match my experience is the idea of too much choice... I think it must be an age thing, but as a woman in my late 40s who doesn’t live in a large city, the lack of viable options is far more of an issue! I hate the apps, but I did meet a couple of people I’m very glad I met. I think ultimately they need to be seen as a completely different way to meet new people. If you can cope with their limitations they can be useful - though never ideal...
So true Jessica! I just lasted 24 h on a dating app. I felt instantly that it was not for me. It’s like you said, too many choices and by the end it felt all to superficial.
I know quite a few people who met their partner on dating apps, and also quite a few people who have met really good friends on them too (myself included). But dating apps are still difficult.
I have had long talks with one of my good friends about this. She is in her early 40s and she is single and, like you, Jess, she longs for a connection. But the trouble is that the potential partners she meets on dating apps seem so superficial, in lack of a better word. The apps are so quick. There seems to be some sort of formula as to what to write in your profile, and dishonesty to some degree too. There is a lack of depth in the meetings online, and yes - it feels like the matches are disposable. My friend longs for deep connections, but where on earth do you find them?
I am not looking for a partner (am aroace) so I get to watch this from the sidelines and it seems so filled with sorrow to me. There are so many people looking for deep connections with a partner, and we seem to have unlearned how to find them in a slower pace, letting them grow deep roots. I do think, however, that writings and reflections like this one you wrote, Jess, are helping to change this.
Been there and done the dating app, after my divorce and persuasion of friends at work. I know willy what you mean, it was a vicious circle connecting. Pictures didn’t match, job descriptions did not match and so when I finally agreed to meet and was not meeting a person in their profile or job it got discouraging. I got frustrated when I put in my lifestyle, legal professional for eg, well travelled, like the fine arts and I ended up with these men lying about their details, but never telling me until I met up with them. Fortunately, I only met each one once and said to heck with it, I go out to cafes and restaurants, I look like a nice decent respectable person, so let them find me when I am out sitting somewhere or a hobby I have, low and behold met my best friend in the line up at the grocery store, who happened to have lived near me previously and observed me. We are longstanding friends, and so I always think, if I can meet a decent person as a friend this way out and about and they found me interesting,, then surely, I can find a person, who has some connection to me or me a connection to them, but then again, I am forever getting cold feet and not trusting. That’s something I have to deal with. Having this friend who is in my life daily and kind to me and caring as brought some hope there has to be another individual that is marriage material out there who finds, a well travelled, respectively looking and totally independent money wise or established. If not then there isn’t much I can do. No more dating apps for me. I did not find anyone sincere when I did it. I think you will connect with someone at a French cafe or a gallery or go on a writer’s retreat at the Chateau St. Germaine and perhaps you will connect. Apps where a set up for failure for me. Almost like speed dating and I felt like I was just a number and I want to feel special. If men are so insecure these days to approach a woman in public like the good old days, it is very sad. Human contact in a social setting seems to have gone by the wayside, and men just sitting at night to fill in some time on their computers surfing the web for just fun and not seriously. looking. I’m looking for serious. App dating reminded me of speed dating. Good luck on your new way of dating. French cafe, gallery tour.. I met so many nice people in London when I travel there, just even out having breakfast or for eg. at the cafe in the courtyard of the V&A. I think that’s the route to go. Best of Luck.
INTJ? Join the club! I never met you but there's an ocean between us and lots of others out there.
I did it once and was married for 15 years as a result. Worked okay; it would have been nearly impossible to meet her any other way. But my current spouse I found the more traditional way, and I think I prefer it for honesty and commitment. (My "dating app" was a newspaper feature before computers became so ubiquitous.) Jessica, do what your heart desires.
Just over a week ago I tentatively logged on and set up my profile on a dating app, my first experience of using one, and to be honest it terrifies me. I feel simultaneously over and under whelmed by it; overwhelmed by the seemingly never ending profiles, underwhelmed by how I feel when looking at all those profiles. I think I am still hoping for that simple, but lovely, meet cute, something that catches you unexpectedly. I think you are in such an exciting place in your life at the moment where anything is possible, and anything might happen, and being brave enough to be open to all the new experiences and ways of living might bring love into your life in the most unexpected and surprising ways.
my gawwwwwwwd I remember that feeling, literally terrifying. Keep me updated how you get on, and thank you!