Hello you!
I’ve given it ten months but it’s over. I’ve deleted my dating app. As fun, eye opening and distracting as it’s been there will be no more swiping, liking, matching and unmatching. I’m not saying dating apps are all bad but I’ve found they’re no different to the rest of technology. What we get out of them depends on how we use them and it felt time to call things quits for me. Quick dopamine hits aside, I wasn’t feel good in the long run. It’s time to reassess my approach to single life.
The amount of choice on an app vs real life is quite literally overwhelming and I know all too well humans don’t thrive when we have too much choice. The paradox of choice suggests that the more options we have the harder we find it to choose and the less satisfied we are with our choice when we eventually make one. I noticed this playing out again and again in my dating life. Everyone becomes disposable. I’d go even further to say the online dating world reduces us to kids in a sweet shop. Dating apps make it all too tempting to get high on sugar and forget why we walked into the shop in the first place. It’s easy to find yourself seeking validation when you’re actually in the market for connection. The two are completely different things.
Back in September I downloaded a dating app for the first time and it blew my mind but the novelty wore off pretty quickly and the disfunction at play became clear. I’m picky enough as it is but swiping profiles made my pickiness even worse. I hadn’t even met the guy yet. Soon enough I found myself swimming in a sea of sameness. When people are disposable there’s a general lack of respect and this treatment becomes the norm, the expected even. It’s brutal and feeds a culture of fear. Everyone gets hurt and what happens when a bunch of hurt people try to date is, well chaos. Think wounded children in a playground. There’s something about apps that amplifies the natural comparison that creeps in, the wondering and overthinking, the feeling inadequate and the playing of games we naturally tend to struggle with when it comes to relationships. Like with social media I think it’s all too much for our brains to process and cope with.
The choice issue also feels like there doesn’t seem to be much weight when you meet someone online. You’re both left feeling like you’re just another. There’s no context, no story, no meet cute. You have to add the weight and it’s hard. We’re all bouncing around online searching for the next dopamine hit, fantasising over what we deem to be the perfect girl or guy, the ideal relationship but we’re not really connecting because it’s easier to give up and move on to what might be next around the corner at the first sign of struggle - then we wonder why we all feel so lonely. Connection takes courage, it takes consistency and it takes vulnerability. I’m in no way qualified to give dating advice by the way. I’m well and truly in the trenches trying to learn the language. I’m also terrified of getting attached, of getting hurt of feeling rejected.
Aside from numbing my senses dating apps also feed my avoidant side and this is something I know I have to work on, something I want to work on. I have a disorganised attachment style which means I swing from anxious to avoidant, view relationships as dangerous and I don’t trust easily. It plays out like go away, please don’t leave and it’s as confusing for them as it is for me. One of my goals this year is to change my attachment style to secure, but let me tell you… it’s hard work! Relationships that are are reduced to online only, to the digital are an avoidant’s dream because there’s a natural distance in place and it’s so easy to bolt when we feel overwhelmed - but this isn’t real connection.
My dating app adventures haven’t been a complete waste of time. Sure I’ve had my heart broken but I’ve also got at least one book out of my time on there and I’ve learnt a lot about guys from the dates I’ve been on. I’m starting to realise they’re not all the scary monsters I used to think they were which is a realisation I’m benefiting from. I’ve been on some incredible dates, I’ve met people I would’ve never met in real life and I’m grateful for that. Still the lack of respect and humanity stands out and I’m not ok with it. I don’t want to partake. More is more isn’t in line with my values and this is where I’m struggling. As with everything I do in life I first and foremost want to be myself as a leap of faith the rest will follow. I know I need to embrace the FOMO and trust my own path, my real life path - whatever that has in store.
I want to matter and I want people to matter to me. Dating apps are great for those who know what they want I think, whether that be a hook up or to meet someone long term. I don’t fall into either of these categories. I fall into the I think I know what I want but I’m terrified category and I need to figure that out first. I mean, I know what I want. I want my life to resemble the @frenchlove account on Instagram but I know enough about the social media world to know most of them probably aren’t even together let alone in a healthy relationship. Anyone can have photos taken and post a caption calling it love. I’m in a place where I’m trying to figure out what love truly means to me, what my version of an ideal relationship looks and feels like and finally learning to enjoy sex in a healthy way.
At the beginning of this year I committed to living and working in line with connection every day as my word of the year. Hiding behind an app as I’ve found myself doing doesn’t fall in line with that intention. Surface level connection is a default way I avoid intimacy too. I talk to people online for a living, behind the safety of a screen - but that’s not the kind of connection I’m looking for. It’s time to shift the way I approach my dating life. I’ve experimented enough and something isn’t working so I need to make a change.
But it’s so hard to meet people I’ve told myself as an objection to deleting my app. I’m introverted, and I’m not a confident person in the wild. I have past sexual trauma and I think this has resulted in an unconscious not wanting to draw attention to myself vibe where guys are concerned. I also live the loner life as a self-employed creative. My life might look fun and glossy on the surface and I wouldn’t swap my job for anything but most of the time I’m alone. Creating requires a lot of solitude. Living in the middle of nowhere made meeting people even harder but I no longer have that excuse now I live in Paris.
The plan is to focus on being myself, my true self and nurturing her as best I can. I want to turn away from worrying about how my dating app profile comes across and lean into all the things I love like creating, books, films, art, hanging around Parisian cafes and walking around in my own little world. If he appears he appears and if not, at least I’m being true to myself. I want to spend more time on my priorities, not that love isn’t one of them but my relationship with myself is the one I’ll never give up on. From this is where all other meaningful connections are born.
Over a week without dating app notifications and I feel better already. I feel more human, less stressed, less distracted.
I’ll keep you updated on my dating life but what about you…ever used a dating app? How did you find the online dating world?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
You've absolutely hit on all that's "off" about on-line dating, from my experience of it, anyway. I met my husband late in life. We were both in our early 50's and we met while taking dance classes. We just celebrated our 12 year anniversary and while married life hasn't been a bed of roses, we're growing together. I know someone personally who met her husband through a dating app. They're happily married with 2 kids, so it does happen, but I think they're the unicorns. As Shakespeare said, "To thine own self be true." Go live your life. Love will find you. 💕
I hear you! I actually met my partner through an online date - my first! It's been 5 years now, but we still have separate lives and homes because I have the sorts of fears and past trauma you describe. It works for us, though our families are confused that we don't live together. On a side note, you might meet someone through Hope? Dog people are always open to a conversation and it is something you have in common right away. Take care. There's no rush.