I’ve been there too, sitting for hours on a date and knowing this just isn’t going to be someone I want to see again. The best way to get around this is to just meet a new person over coffee first time, that way there is a short time frame, if there is any spark next a quick drink. I found when you make it a long evening date and just really want to leave, the casual coffee or ONE quick drink is the best. It is exhausting sitting for a long date, when you know you have no interest and just want to escape. You don’t need to then be calling a friend to assist in an escape route if you do coffee. Meet them for a coffee or a light meal, brunch. If you like a person and vice versa, you can move on to longer time. For example, if someone asked you out you could say I am going to the gym that morning, but maybe we could get together for a coffee. At first make it casual, like you would meet one of your friends. Some say first time dating a person is like going on a job interview, sometimes we just don’t want the job, after learning things about it. Make your first date casual and short, mid day or afternoon, not evening. Work your way up to longer dates, if that person is interesting. Perfect escape.
Jessica, I’m not an expert, but quick coffee and sweet. I have seen you go to brunch with your female friends and your Mum in England and the women in Paris, so do the same thing with first time male date. That way you can have the excuse you have plans later. Even if your plans are to go home. No pressure.
Good plan! I’ve still had coffee dates go on for hours though 🙈 I’m 100% going to start leaving when I want though. Promise promise promise to myself. Thanks for spurring me on xx
Yes, I liked this idea too. I’m not dating as I’m in a relationship but if I was, I think the coffee and the plan after, are the best. Something that you know you have to go. So it would not be for more than an hour. Or even 45 minutes. If you both are interested, then you can meet each other again.
Hi Jess, I DEFINITELY do this, especially in work situations. I have made such a habit of being the person who sees it as a failure if I can't meet someone else's expectations of me. But your piece reminded me that it's far better all round to be honest.
I always think an activity is better than a sit down date. Less interview-like, both in terms of nerves, repetitiveness and best behaviour, e.g. play a round of pool, mini golf or ping-pong with a date and you’ll immediately see how competitive, insecure or humourless they are. Also, even if they’re not fun, the activity might be!
yes! A walk is my favourite to be honest but then sometimes they plan something really good that I would never have thought of so you just never know! It's a mine field haha
I’m a little older probably so I can say that I HAVE been a people pleaser once. It took a long time to ease itself out but it did when I was about 50 plus. Haven’t looked back since. I am a different person, now. I feel free and less constrained by my own old habit of trying to be the good girl everybody knew. I feel I have earned my own respect and often cringe at that old me ( no shade to any of you )! It is hard, but like exercise and diet and all those things I hate, it’s good for me! Good luck with coffee dates and “I have to head home”s too!
How did the change come about for you? I feel like it’s a constant practice and while I’m getting better every time a new challenge (like dating) comes up, I have to push through new boundaries. Would love to hear your story and advice 🙏
Started with therapy and counselling : I temporarily separated. That compelled my husband to take psychiatric help and as far as possible reform himself. My problem was that he didn’t care that he was hurting me due to his unresolved psychiatric issues. He started over. Look, these things never really disappear as you well know. But we are now aware that warning signs are enough.
Same kind of “I won’t take your nonsense anymore” I did with others .. the occasional colleague, or anyone who invaded my personal territory .. even a parent … or my adult children .. and wanted me to do things that suited them. I have not become this angry or rude person but I’m just firm… myself, but firm.
Thanks for your shares ... glad to know you and love your taste and hard work at maintaining your beautiful, minimalist , and nature / environment conscious attitude .. you’re a winner already, Jessica. Let no one make you think otherwise.
Totally relate Jess. I actually sent the text (no chemistry) and then got drawn into a conversation 10 days later which ended up in date 2,3, 4 and 5 years later I realise he's an abuser, has no respect for me as a person, and thank goodness I left last year. We have kids too which adds extra complications. I've beaten myself up with the guilt, but at the time I didn't know any better. Plus I was desperate for a family, a community, something to be a part of.
One thing I would offer you, if you REALLY LOVE living on your own, with no other people to think about or run decisions by (I certainly do), then you can have a partner, and live apart. I have that person now and thankfully we're both very keen on maintaining our independence, plus he's not up for living with kids. It is possible.
It's very common in Scandi countries, e.g. Sweden, they describe their partners as "sambo" (cohabit) or serbo (live apart).
Thanks for sharing, gosh I've had many a first date which have gone to second or third or in my latest case a family, before I've had the guts to end it. Never again (I hope).
OH MY GOD Linda NO! My heart just broke for you. I'm sooooooo happy to hear you left. Well done you. They sniff out the boundary-less like fresh meat. I hear so many stories about successful relationships where you live apart...feels very European haha. I guess it's about what works for both of you. I'm nowhere near there yet. So good to hear you relate. I never do the second. Absolutely no way!
Yep, it's been hard to come to terms with that I'm bound to him for life through the children. I grey rock him now.
I love my children and I regret who I had them with. My lifelong dream of a family, shattered. It has worked out ok sharing care, it gives me space to be alone rather than constantly living with 3 other people which is hard on my ND brain.
Good for you for not going on the second date, jeez I could have avoided some shit had I left it at first date, so many times!
This is me! I’m having therapy at the moment and addressing my anxious insecure attachment style and my people pleasing. I too have done this since childhood and we are getting to the point of discovering how it has come about. Since my 25 yr marriage ended I have had 2 relationships and both I stuck around a lot longer than I should of done - I wasn’t myself. I’ve vowed to now slow down and discover myself before looking for the person who wants to be with the real me xx
YESSSSSSSSSS! I’m totally with you on how hard this is though. I’m disorganised so anxious AND avoidant. It’s rough. Go you for doing the work. So so brave and I know you’ll benefit ❤️
Do you think it’s possible to change while in the relationship?
I’m a people pleaser too. I’m slowly working on taking more space to myself but sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible because things were a certain way for quite a long time.
Hi Oyla - I think so. I’m particularly working on my attachment style which people pleasing is a big part of that. I’ve been listening to the Stephanie Rigg podcasts called On Attachment which has been an anormous help. It’s little changes you have to make to move more into secure which will help with the people pleasing. I would think it’s easier out of a relationship as your partner is used to your ways and I’m sure that it benefits them as you are at the moment. If you can afford therapy/councelling I would highly recommend it. Therapy is my little luxury but feel it is essential for me to grow and become the real me. I wish you all the very best - people pleasing is hard on you and I’m sure I will find it challenging to stop it as just alien to me not to do it x
Thank you very much for your reply and sharing your thoughts.
Yes, people get used to the way we behave. I get quite often now: you changed. You used to be different. Maybe I should look at it as a compliment :)
Thanks so much for the podcast name. I’ll check it out as soon I reply to you.
Yes, I’m seeing a psyhologist and every visit makes me stronger, I feel. She’s brilliant. I don’t see her regularly as we’ve been moving quite a bit but we’re finally to the area where we used to live and after I’m back from my trip to Europe, I’ll make the visits more regular.
Thanks so much again. I’m sending you my support and my thoughts. I hope that you’ll be at the place (state) that you’d like to be very soon. Changes do happen in a split second. It’s the time that leads to that second, can take time x
Sending you much love. I hope you find a way to have quicker dates, end it swiftly if you don’t feel the spark. For me it was always different, on a first date I was always so enamoured about the idea that this person could be the one that I could never think straight, I always needed at least another date to figure it out. Funnily with my husband of 20 years, I thought on the first date: no, not for me, funny yes, but no potential. We went on two more dates and by date 3 I was like: damn, he is the one.
I actually think I need to go on less haha. OMG this is FASCINATING! I keep hearing this though. It's so tough to navigate and this is part of the major problem right now... all the choice! I feel like it drives us all a bit nuts
Hey Jess, I think you’re being a little tough on yourself. You’re doing brilliantly! You’ve got a clear idea of what you’re looking for and you’re not diving into a relationship that isn’t right, like so many people do! Sounds like you just need some boundaries around dating. When I use to date first dates we’re only ever coffee, daytime and for one hour. Even if the guy’s great it’s always good to leave the people wanting more! Have somewhere you need to be. I’m getting ready to start dating again after choosing to be single for four years so I need to remind myself also!
thank you! Love all these tips and really appreciate you sharing your stories with us. Excited to see where it all goes for you. Always here to support too!
When I was reading your letter today, I saw myself. And I wonder if the way out of being a people pleasure is to be out of the relationship? I’ve repeated the same pattern in all 3 long relationships. They all lasted about 8-9 years. I mean I’m in my 3rd long relationship, we’re heading towards 9 years. We split after 5 years (me leaving and then returning). And sometimes, I doubt if it’s possible to change without leaving. But at the same time… I’ve done this before (left) and repeated the same pattern. So it’s really us, who needs to change, to learn the lesson and not to repeat the same mistake. They say, we have to learn the lesson, so we don’t get the same experience. I’m not sure how to get this done. That’s why I’m reading your letters and what you write about your thoughts, feelings and explorations with such interest and curiosity because I wonder if your experience may help me too. Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes pausing is good too. You’re energetically already open. You put yourself out there. Maybe instead of going on the date from the app, you can take a class that you’re interested in. Or take a lecture in a subject that you’re interested in. Take a guided tour in a group of people or a short trip in a group. This way you can meet someone who you know for sure, has at least one interest in common with you :) of course, there is no guarantee that people are single but some certainly will be.
OOOOOOOOOFT that hits hard! it really all starts with us and boundaries doesn't it, the rest falls into place around those. This is HARD WORK though and I love how much awareness you have! I would LOVE to meet someone irl, I think we all would. Thanks so much for all the ideas xx
Yes, boundaries. Sometimes I think I procrastinate reading the books on boundaries that I got, because I know it’s a tough thing to do. At least for me.
My pleasure… I guess it’s a “marketing approach “ to dating :) xx
Dear Jessica, it was fun reading your code system because I used to have a similar one. :) What helped me besides doing some inner work and saying no kindly was that I used to go on first date for 30 minutes. Have fun dating, and do forgive me if I am too direct, if being a mom is one of your wants, perhas fertility preservation is a good idea.
haha did you?! What was yours??? 30 mins is QUICK! Being a mom isn't top of the list right now, I just keep telling myself I'm open either way but it would have to be with the right person and I don't think my happiness is dependent on either outcome xx
You’re a bit further along a similar journey to me and it’s so comforting to see joy in dating - not just the horror stories! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah I reckon you need the short date option like Darlene said. Just to be able to leave after one drink or a coffee if you’re not feeling it. I actually do the short dates with friends more than I used to too - means I see them more! And more gentle on my little introverted self.
My sister told me she sometimes goes to the toilet and asks the waiter to subtly bring the bill when she’s ready to go as well!
Love this idea! I just find it sooooooo tough. And I’ve had ‘coffee’ dates go on for hours 🙈 plus there’s the walk after! But yes to the joy. I’ll share more for you soon. How are you finding it? X
Yeah it’s like finding something to say that you feel empowered and confident saying and also doesn’t feel too mean or personal! I hate making other people feel uncomfortable. I think it’s because I’m so sensitive to others comments myself. I’m working on this at the mo - when someone says something that hits a nerve to just sit with it and not instantly judge them or myself. I’m finding it’s helping me be more straightforward with people because I’m acknowledging that I’m strong enough to accept that straightforwardness from others because what someone says to me doesn’t change my self worth (thanks Brené brown!)
No dating for me yet but I’m able to watch romcoms again which feels like a good first step!! X
Realise this was posted ages ago (🙈) but have you seen @yourdiagnonsense on Instagram? He’s a relationship therapist but he posts a lot of really good stuff about dating.
This is such a profoundly good read! I absolutely loved it.
And the "being responsible for my mother's happiness" kind of stroke a bell inside of me, and reading the room and feelings constantly - what a stress it has been on our younger selves. I too grew up with this feeling and she still attempts. I am wiser but all I know to protect is distancing myself which is also not a solution, so it really had me thinking.
This also led me to please every boyfriend and I lost myself completely. I had a burnout 3 years ago and that was defo one of many reasons for it. I finally am in a relationship where I please because I love and not please to get loved.
Hey Jess, I definitely do this too!! I had so many dates and even second dates with someone I didn't fancy just to see how it went and hoping things would turn around, but obviously you know it from the start! And the sentence about people pleasing through your marriage really touched me, because I just did that in a recent relationship, it was still the most authentic I've been and he was a great guy but I can clearly see how I was still trying to fit into his mould not to be rejected and eventually it ended because we weren't compatible enough which I knew already. Let's cheer each others' up we can do hard things!
Oh Jessica, I met my husband when I was 36 after YEARS of dating with the exact same issues you’re describing. I had a pretty specific guy-type like we all do and on my first date with Christian we had a good time, talked for a few hours, but he was definitely not my type and there was zero attraction. At the same time I happened to see a really brilliant therapist who asked how my date was. I told him I had a good time but that I wouldn’t be going on a second date as “He’s definitely not my guy”. My therapist went on and challenged me to go on a second date, saying that “As long as you have a good time, keep going on more dates with him. You don’t owe him anything, going on dates doesn’t mean you have to marry him, all you need to do is show up - and have a good time. Guess what - it took a few months of us hanging out VERY casually but then - out of the blue on a weekend trip to Paris 😏 - it was like being hit in the head with something, and I’m still, 11 years later, absolutely crazy about this guy. I think I had this image in my head of what “my guy” would be and it just took a little longer to realize how the things I didn’t know to be looking for could be the things I needed the most. I feel so bloody fortunate that he stuck around long enough for me to figure that out. So bottom line - there’s a reason we keep immediately dismissing dates, and there’s so much opportunity in pushing through that icky feeling of “nope” and giving someone a second/third/fourth chance. 💗
I’ve been there too, sitting for hours on a date and knowing this just isn’t going to be someone I want to see again. The best way to get around this is to just meet a new person over coffee first time, that way there is a short time frame, if there is any spark next a quick drink. I found when you make it a long evening date and just really want to leave, the casual coffee or ONE quick drink is the best. It is exhausting sitting for a long date, when you know you have no interest and just want to escape. You don’t need to then be calling a friend to assist in an escape route if you do coffee. Meet them for a coffee or a light meal, brunch. If you like a person and vice versa, you can move on to longer time. For example, if someone asked you out you could say I am going to the gym that morning, but maybe we could get together for a coffee. At first make it casual, like you would meet one of your friends. Some say first time dating a person is like going on a job interview, sometimes we just don’t want the job, after learning things about it. Make your first date casual and short, mid day or afternoon, not evening. Work your way up to longer dates, if that person is interesting. Perfect escape.
YOU are the dating coach I need 😂👌🏻❤️ LOOOOOOOOOVE THIS. Thank you for sharing xx
Jessica, I’m not an expert, but quick coffee and sweet. I have seen you go to brunch with your female friends and your Mum in England and the women in Paris, so do the same thing with first time male date. That way you can have the excuse you have plans later. Even if your plans are to go home. No pressure.
Good plan! I’ve still had coffee dates go on for hours though 🙈 I’m 100% going to start leaving when I want though. Promise promise promise to myself. Thanks for spurring me on xx
Yes, I liked this idea too. I’m not dating as I’m in a relationship but if I was, I think the coffee and the plan after, are the best. Something that you know you have to go. So it would not be for more than an hour. Or even 45 minutes. If you both are interested, then you can meet each other again.
Hi Jess, I DEFINITELY do this, especially in work situations. I have made such a habit of being the person who sees it as a failure if I can't meet someone else's expectations of me. But your piece reminded me that it's far better all round to be honest.
Omg it leaks out all over the place right?!!! In the trenches with you xx
I always think an activity is better than a sit down date. Less interview-like, both in terms of nerves, repetitiveness and best behaviour, e.g. play a round of pool, mini golf or ping-pong with a date and you’ll immediately see how competitive, insecure or humourless they are. Also, even if they’re not fun, the activity might be!
yes! A walk is my favourite to be honest but then sometimes they plan something really good that I would never have thought of so you just never know! It's a mine field haha
I’m a little older probably so I can say that I HAVE been a people pleaser once. It took a long time to ease itself out but it did when I was about 50 plus. Haven’t looked back since. I am a different person, now. I feel free and less constrained by my own old habit of trying to be the good girl everybody knew. I feel I have earned my own respect and often cringe at that old me ( no shade to any of you )! It is hard, but like exercise and diet and all those things I hate, it’s good for me! Good luck with coffee dates and “I have to head home”s too!
How did the change come about for you? I feel like it’s a constant practice and while I’m getting better every time a new challenge (like dating) comes up, I have to push through new boundaries. Would love to hear your story and advice 🙏
Started with therapy and counselling : I temporarily separated. That compelled my husband to take psychiatric help and as far as possible reform himself. My problem was that he didn’t care that he was hurting me due to his unresolved psychiatric issues. He started over. Look, these things never really disappear as you well know. But we are now aware that warning signs are enough.
Same kind of “I won’t take your nonsense anymore” I did with others .. the occasional colleague, or anyone who invaded my personal territory .. even a parent … or my adult children .. and wanted me to do things that suited them. I have not become this angry or rude person but I’m just firm… myself, but firm.
Boundaries! Master those and you’re winning aren’t you ❤️
Yes exactly ! Earlier I thought there were NO boundaries between loved ones ! Such a mess I was, was’nt I!
Thanks for your shares ... glad to know you and love your taste and hard work at maintaining your beautiful, minimalist , and nature / environment conscious attitude .. you’re a winner already, Jessica. Let no one make you think otherwise.
❤️❤️❤️❤️🙏
Love this! I think maybe age and experience does play into feeling more able to please yourself - although I'm still working on it!!
Totally relate Jess. I actually sent the text (no chemistry) and then got drawn into a conversation 10 days later which ended up in date 2,3, 4 and 5 years later I realise he's an abuser, has no respect for me as a person, and thank goodness I left last year. We have kids too which adds extra complications. I've beaten myself up with the guilt, but at the time I didn't know any better. Plus I was desperate for a family, a community, something to be a part of.
One thing I would offer you, if you REALLY LOVE living on your own, with no other people to think about or run decisions by (I certainly do), then you can have a partner, and live apart. I have that person now and thankfully we're both very keen on maintaining our independence, plus he's not up for living with kids. It is possible.
It's very common in Scandi countries, e.g. Sweden, they describe their partners as "sambo" (cohabit) or serbo (live apart).
Thanks for sharing, gosh I've had many a first date which have gone to second or third or in my latest case a family, before I've had the guts to end it. Never again (I hope).
OH MY GOD Linda NO! My heart just broke for you. I'm sooooooo happy to hear you left. Well done you. They sniff out the boundary-less like fresh meat. I hear so many stories about successful relationships where you live apart...feels very European haha. I guess it's about what works for both of you. I'm nowhere near there yet. So good to hear you relate. I never do the second. Absolutely no way!
Yep, it's been hard to come to terms with that I'm bound to him for life through the children. I grey rock him now.
I love my children and I regret who I had them with. My lifelong dream of a family, shattered. It has worked out ok sharing care, it gives me space to be alone rather than constantly living with 3 other people which is hard on my ND brain.
Good for you for not going on the second date, jeez I could have avoided some shit had I left it at first date, so many times!
This is me! I’m having therapy at the moment and addressing my anxious insecure attachment style and my people pleasing. I too have done this since childhood and we are getting to the point of discovering how it has come about. Since my 25 yr marriage ended I have had 2 relationships and both I stuck around a lot longer than I should of done - I wasn’t myself. I’ve vowed to now slow down and discover myself before looking for the person who wants to be with the real me xx
YESSSSSSSSSS! I’m totally with you on how hard this is though. I’m disorganised so anxious AND avoidant. It’s rough. Go you for doing the work. So so brave and I know you’ll benefit ❤️
Hi Charlotte
Do you think it’s possible to change while in the relationship?
I’m a people pleaser too. I’m slowly working on taking more space to myself but sometimes I wonder if it’s even possible because things were a certain way for quite a long time.
Hi Oyla - I think so. I’m particularly working on my attachment style which people pleasing is a big part of that. I’ve been listening to the Stephanie Rigg podcasts called On Attachment which has been an anormous help. It’s little changes you have to make to move more into secure which will help with the people pleasing. I would think it’s easier out of a relationship as your partner is used to your ways and I’m sure that it benefits them as you are at the moment. If you can afford therapy/councelling I would highly recommend it. Therapy is my little luxury but feel it is essential for me to grow and become the real me. I wish you all the very best - people pleasing is hard on you and I’m sure I will find it challenging to stop it as just alien to me not to do it x
Hi Charlotte
Thank you very much for your reply and sharing your thoughts.
Yes, people get used to the way we behave. I get quite often now: you changed. You used to be different. Maybe I should look at it as a compliment :)
Thanks so much for the podcast name. I’ll check it out as soon I reply to you.
Yes, I’m seeing a psyhologist and every visit makes me stronger, I feel. She’s brilliant. I don’t see her regularly as we’ve been moving quite a bit but we’re finally to the area where we used to live and after I’m back from my trip to Europe, I’ll make the visits more regular.
Thanks so much again. I’m sending you my support and my thoughts. I hope that you’ll be at the place (state) that you’d like to be very soon. Changes do happen in a split second. It’s the time that leads to that second, can take time x
Thank you for your words and reflections. It helps a lot <3
so pleased to hear this!
Sending you much love. I hope you find a way to have quicker dates, end it swiftly if you don’t feel the spark. For me it was always different, on a first date I was always so enamoured about the idea that this person could be the one that I could never think straight, I always needed at least another date to figure it out. Funnily with my husband of 20 years, I thought on the first date: no, not for me, funny yes, but no potential. We went on two more dates and by date 3 I was like: damn, he is the one.
I actually think I need to go on less haha. OMG this is FASCINATING! I keep hearing this though. It's so tough to navigate and this is part of the major problem right now... all the choice! I feel like it drives us all a bit nuts
Hey Jess, I think you’re being a little tough on yourself. You’re doing brilliantly! You’ve got a clear idea of what you’re looking for and you’re not diving into a relationship that isn’t right, like so many people do! Sounds like you just need some boundaries around dating. When I use to date first dates we’re only ever coffee, daytime and for one hour. Even if the guy’s great it’s always good to leave the people wanting more! Have somewhere you need to be. I’m getting ready to start dating again after choosing to be single for four years so I need to remind myself also!
thank you! Love all these tips and really appreciate you sharing your stories with us. Excited to see where it all goes for you. Always here to support too!
Thank you ♥️ I’ll be following your journey closely as I prepare to dip my toe in!
When I was reading your letter today, I saw myself. And I wonder if the way out of being a people pleasure is to be out of the relationship? I’ve repeated the same pattern in all 3 long relationships. They all lasted about 8-9 years. I mean I’m in my 3rd long relationship, we’re heading towards 9 years. We split after 5 years (me leaving and then returning). And sometimes, I doubt if it’s possible to change without leaving. But at the same time… I’ve done this before (left) and repeated the same pattern. So it’s really us, who needs to change, to learn the lesson and not to repeat the same mistake. They say, we have to learn the lesson, so we don’t get the same experience. I’m not sure how to get this done. That’s why I’m reading your letters and what you write about your thoughts, feelings and explorations with such interest and curiosity because I wonder if your experience may help me too. Thank you for sharing.
Sometimes pausing is good too. You’re energetically already open. You put yourself out there. Maybe instead of going on the date from the app, you can take a class that you’re interested in. Or take a lecture in a subject that you’re interested in. Take a guided tour in a group of people or a short trip in a group. This way you can meet someone who you know for sure, has at least one interest in common with you :) of course, there is no guarantee that people are single but some certainly will be.
OOOOOOOOOFT that hits hard! it really all starts with us and boundaries doesn't it, the rest falls into place around those. This is HARD WORK though and I love how much awareness you have! I would LOVE to meet someone irl, I think we all would. Thanks so much for all the ideas xx
Yes, boundaries. Sometimes I think I procrastinate reading the books on boundaries that I got, because I know it’s a tough thing to do. At least for me.
My pleasure… I guess it’s a “marketing approach “ to dating :) xx
Dear Jessica, it was fun reading your code system because I used to have a similar one. :) What helped me besides doing some inner work and saying no kindly was that I used to go on first date for 30 minutes. Have fun dating, and do forgive me if I am too direct, if being a mom is one of your wants, perhas fertility preservation is a good idea.
haha did you?! What was yours??? 30 mins is QUICK! Being a mom isn't top of the list right now, I just keep telling myself I'm open either way but it would have to be with the right person and I don't think my happiness is dependent on either outcome xx
You’re a bit further along a similar journey to me and it’s so comforting to see joy in dating - not just the horror stories! Thanks for sharing.
Yeah I reckon you need the short date option like Darlene said. Just to be able to leave after one drink or a coffee if you’re not feeling it. I actually do the short dates with friends more than I used to too - means I see them more! And more gentle on my little introverted self.
My sister told me she sometimes goes to the toilet and asks the waiter to subtly bring the bill when she’s ready to go as well!
Love this idea! I just find it sooooooo tough. And I’ve had ‘coffee’ dates go on for hours 🙈 plus there’s the walk after! But yes to the joy. I’ll share more for you soon. How are you finding it? X
Yeah it’s like finding something to say that you feel empowered and confident saying and also doesn’t feel too mean or personal! I hate making other people feel uncomfortable. I think it’s because I’m so sensitive to others comments myself. I’m working on this at the mo - when someone says something that hits a nerve to just sit with it and not instantly judge them or myself. I’m finding it’s helping me be more straightforward with people because I’m acknowledging that I’m strong enough to accept that straightforwardness from others because what someone says to me doesn’t change my self worth (thanks Brené brown!)
No dating for me yet but I’m able to watch romcoms again which feels like a good first step!! X
Realise this was posted ages ago (🙈) but have you seen @yourdiagnonsense on Instagram? He’s a relationship therapist but he posts a lot of really good stuff about dating.
This is such a profoundly good read! I absolutely loved it.
And the "being responsible for my mother's happiness" kind of stroke a bell inside of me, and reading the room and feelings constantly - what a stress it has been on our younger selves. I too grew up with this feeling and she still attempts. I am wiser but all I know to protect is distancing myself which is also not a solution, so it really had me thinking.
This also led me to please every boyfriend and I lost myself completely. I had a burnout 3 years ago and that was defo one of many reasons for it. I finally am in a relationship where I please because I love and not please to get loved.
Thank you so much for sharing this! x
Hey Jess, I definitely do this too!! I had so many dates and even second dates with someone I didn't fancy just to see how it went and hoping things would turn around, but obviously you know it from the start! And the sentence about people pleasing through your marriage really touched me, because I just did that in a recent relationship, it was still the most authentic I've been and he was a great guy but I can clearly see how I was still trying to fit into his mould not to be rejected and eventually it ended because we weren't compatible enough which I knew already. Let's cheer each others' up we can do hard things!
Oh Jessica, I met my husband when I was 36 after YEARS of dating with the exact same issues you’re describing. I had a pretty specific guy-type like we all do and on my first date with Christian we had a good time, talked for a few hours, but he was definitely not my type and there was zero attraction. At the same time I happened to see a really brilliant therapist who asked how my date was. I told him I had a good time but that I wouldn’t be going on a second date as “He’s definitely not my guy”. My therapist went on and challenged me to go on a second date, saying that “As long as you have a good time, keep going on more dates with him. You don’t owe him anything, going on dates doesn’t mean you have to marry him, all you need to do is show up - and have a good time. Guess what - it took a few months of us hanging out VERY casually but then - out of the blue on a weekend trip to Paris 😏 - it was like being hit in the head with something, and I’m still, 11 years later, absolutely crazy about this guy. I think I had this image in my head of what “my guy” would be and it just took a little longer to realize how the things I didn’t know to be looking for could be the things I needed the most. I feel so bloody fortunate that he stuck around long enough for me to figure that out. So bottom line - there’s a reason we keep immediately dismissing dates, and there’s so much opportunity in pushing through that icky feeling of “nope” and giving someone a second/third/fourth chance. 💗