'Girl, you’re a bad ending to a good movie'
Why I need to break my 100% first date success run: confessions of a recovering people pleaser
Hello you!
Six months ago I started dating. I now have twenty first dates under my belt and I’m yet to not be asked on a second. Don’t get me wrong, things have gone haywire further down the line. This isn’t a brag. This is a problem. I’m no expert at dating. I’m in no way qualified to give any kind of advice, but I’m more than happy to share what I’m learning along the way, which is a lot. These are the confessions of a recovering people pleaser.
I people pleased my way through ten years of marriage and guess what happened when I finally needed to be my truest rawest self, when I fell apart? My marriage couldn’t support me the way I needed it to. Never again. I moulded myself at every opportunity and lost myself a little more each time. This time will be different I have promised myself. Sandwiched within my perfect man wish list (yes such a thing exists in my notes app) is someone I can be myself around, my real self - the unfiltered version.
I know within two minutes (MAX) of meeting someone whether I fancy them. This doesn’t alter. If I do I do and if I don’t I don’t. I know within the next twenty minutes whether I can see myself being friends with them. And that’s the magic combination; a best friend I really really fancy. So why then do I feel the need to sit through a 3 hour date knowing full well it isn’t going anywhere, that we aren’t a good fit?
I’ve always loved watching dating shows but now more than ever because they feel so relevant. The trashier the better to be honest and celebs go dating is one of my favourites. I once heard one of the dating coaches (we live in a world where such a thing exists) Paul say you meet someones’ representative on a first date and it’s stuck with me. He’s so right. Kind of like an interview we’re on our best behaviour. We want to impress. Our inherent human desire to be liked and accepted is understandably activated. It’s a people pleaser’s nightmare!
When I go on a date I keep things light. I don’t kiss on first dates and I don’t go with expectations, high or low. I go to meet someone new, get to know them, try them on and see how they fit. I’m in no rush to find something serious. I don’t do the casual thing either. My nervous system would in no way stand it. I feel like I’m trying to figure out both what I do want and what I don’t want at the same time and it can be overwhelming. I’ve only just reached the point where I think it would be nice to have someone other than Hope to cuddle up to at night, just. Before now I’ve proudly looked around my home and thought there’s no room for a guy here, let alone all his trainers. I’ve loved every minute of creating my own home, being able to buy the pinkest velvetiest sofa I fancied without any objections from another. There’s a lot I don’t want to give up. You could argue I’m drawn to the unavailable because I’m unavailable too, but that’s a whole other substack.
It’s not that I pretend to be someone I’m not on a date. How are we supposed to find our own path in life, our right people if we can’t first and foremost be ourselves? The easiest or hardest of all things to be depending on the blocks we put in our own way. I’m more than happy to lay my brokenness out on the table and ideally I like to know they feel a bit broken too. My problem is I just don’t feel able to end it. I see the whole date through even when I know it’s not a good fit. Why?! I think it’s something to do with my fear of abandonment, of rejection… yet I don’t like them! I don’t even want a second date. I’ve lost hours I’ll never get back.
Then comes the dreaded, I had such a great time with you, let’s do it again text. At least I don’t go again. Once I’m out of the situation I can manage the it was lovely to meet you but I didn’t feel a connection text, I just can’t seem to do it in real life. My friend and I even have a code set up. I text her the word carnations (an ode to sex and the city - if you know you know) and she will call me within minutes to say something bad happened so I have an excuse to leave. I know the option is there but I still can’t muster the courage to choose it, because I know how obvious it will be and I feel so stuck in the situation.
Following a confession of my problem to a guy over drinks one night, a first date where I did feel a connection, he described me as a bad ending to a good movie from the guy’s perspective. I laughed but he was right. How disappointing for them to think we’re spending a long time together, this must be going well only to realise I never felt a connection but stuck around anyway. What a complete waste of time for both of us. Logically it makes no sense but relationships aren’t logical, they’re emotional. Still, how do I stop? There is no point to this mad behaviour whatsoever.
The thing is we are the way we are for a reason. Our thoughts, behaviours and patters come from somewhere and at some point they probably worked, they were what we needed to survive. I grew up feeling responsible for my mum’s happiness. My environment was a direct reflection of her mood so I wanted her to be in a good mood all the time and made it my job to make this happen. I learnt to read people very well very quickly when I was incredibly young so I could please them and feel safe and secure. It’s no surprise then that I went on to feel responsible for my husband’s happiness. It was a heavy load to carry. These patterns become so engrained within us they’re not only hard to stop but destined to repeat.
My response to abuse has always been fawn, the lesser talked about in terms of fight, flight or freeze. I will go as far as trying to please my abuser to survive. Yes it worked in the past but this way of being doesn’t serve me now. It’s time to let go. Now I’m responsible only for my own happiness and I don’t want that to change. I know it doesn’t have to if I find the right person. What has to change is me.
I don’t want to merely survive anymore. I want the relationship I know I deserve. These feelings and wants are all very new so I know this will take time. You see as much as I want a deep level of intimacy where I feel seen for who I truly am I’m also equally terrified to commit, to risk such pain. I’m not deluded in terms of what’s realistic but I know people pleasing isn’t going to cut it. When we’re in people pleaser mode we’re in some form of hiding to be liked. True connection and intimacy are impossible. Twenty first dates in and what I’m finding is when I feel my little self coming out, when I feel comfortable to be my true self, this is how I know there’s potential. This is the tell.
So how do I stop being a bad ending to a good movie? Well, to start with I’ve promised myself I’m going to learn the necessary language, because that’s the first hurdle I fall at. I have nothing prepared to say. I worry how it will come out if I try, how he might react, how I might look. I never learned how to say this isn’t working for me, I’m going to leave let alone deal with the guilt of upsetting someone as a result.
I thought I should maybe get a few sentences under my belt before being brave enough to use them but I’ve decided there’s no need to overdo or over think it. Perhaps it’s been really nice to meet you but I’m going to head home now is fine. It can be that simple. There’s no need to tell him I don’t fancy him, he reminds me of my ex, the connection isn’t there or I don’t know what to do with a securely attached person who had a seemingly perfect childhood. No carnations text or lying necessary. There’s kindness in honesty and not wasting someone’s time, my own included. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Do you do this in life too? Got any people pleaser confessions to share? I think this pattern plays out just as easily in jobs, friendships and family relationships too. I’d love to hear your stories in the comments.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
I’ve been there too, sitting for hours on a date and knowing this just isn’t going to be someone I want to see again. The best way to get around this is to just meet a new person over coffee first time, that way there is a short time frame, if there is any spark next a quick drink. I found when you make it a long evening date and just really want to leave, the casual coffee or ONE quick drink is the best. It is exhausting sitting for a long date, when you know you have no interest and just want to escape. You don’t need to then be calling a friend to assist in an escape route if you do coffee. Meet them for a coffee or a light meal, brunch. If you like a person and vice versa, you can move on to longer time. For example, if someone asked you out you could say I am going to the gym that morning, but maybe we could get together for a coffee. At first make it casual, like you would meet one of your friends. Some say first time dating a person is like going on a job interview, sometimes we just don’t want the job, after learning things about it. Make your first date casual and short, mid day or afternoon, not evening. Work your way up to longer dates, if that person is interesting. Perfect escape.
Hi Jess, I DEFINITELY do this, especially in work situations. I have made such a habit of being the person who sees it as a failure if I can't meet someone else's expectations of me. But your piece reminded me that it's far better all round to be honest.