Hello you!
Would the real Jessica Rose please stand up. My first two names are the only ones I’ve ever been sure about. The name that follows has been something of a saga and an emotional thorn in my side. In 1988 I was officially registered as Jessica Rose Knight-Smith, by my dad. He took me to the town hall in his arms a few months after I was born and booked his wedding with my mum on the way home. She wasn’t best pleased. By this point she felt their relationship was over and as such wanted me to be Jessica Rose Knight - so I had the same surname as her. My dad wanted me to be Jessica Rose Smith. I ended up lost in confusion.
Once they separated six short months after their wedding, my mum dropped the Smith from my name, but as this was my official registered name; my passport and anything else official always wore it. Every now and then a teacher would innocently enough not get the memo, call me Knight-Smith and I’d want to curl up under the table.
I knew what was coming next…confusion. The other kids in the class would want to know why they knew me as Jessica Rose Knight when I was really Jessica Rose Knight-Smith. Was I lying? An imposter? A spy? No - I was a product of domestic violence and abandonment trying to fly under the radar and appear as ‘normal’ as possible. I wasn’t conscious of this at the time of course. All I knew was Smith was my dad’s name, he wasn’t around and I didn’t use that part of my name, but the shame was growing inside me all the same.
When I was 19 I met my then to be husband. At 22 years old I walked down the aisle. I couldn’t wait to change my name. Of course I couldn’t. Every feminist view I’d ever had was overridden by childhood trauma and I became Jessica Rose Williams at the earliest opportunity. A fresh start, a clean slate…I felt legitimate. No more secrets, no more covering up the truth. It was all laid to rest. Except it wasn’t, it was simply out of sight. The trauma attached to my name remained and would do so until I felt brave enough to not only face it, but heal it. Ten years later that’s exactly what happened.
Now I find myself separated soon to be officially divorced, I’m facing a huge dilemma - what to do about my name? I don’t want to be Jessica Rose Williams anymore. I don’t want to be Jessica Rose Knight-Smith. And so I’ve decided to be Jessica Rose Knight, officially this time. Arriving at this decision hasn’t been easy, which is understandable given all the threads there were to unravel. I’ve done this slowly, as you would unravel anything with care and consideration but I’m finally happy with my choice.
When my dad came back into my life two years ago I was catapulted back to my childhood - him wanting me to be Jessica Rose Smith and my mum wanting me to be Jessica Rose Knight - but this time the decision was mine. I felt the confusion and the conflict deeply and up close this time. To feel conflicted about something so existential is exhausting. I could’ve always stayed Jessica Rose Williams and hidden the rest away, but my years of masking are over.
For a long time I felt the right thing to do was claim my full name Jessica Rose Knight-Smith and this was my intention. I didn’t want to slight either of my parents or hide what I felt I had to hide for so long anymore - but something never sat quite right. Then I wanted to make sure I wasn’t dropping the Smith out of anger or spite. I know now I’m not. I know I have autonomy over not only my name but my life and I get to choose what’s right for me based on what I feel in my heart.
My biggest concern was my book. It’s printed so feels more permanent but this name change feels more important to me. Hanging onto a name I don’t resonate with because of the first book I’ve written makes no logical sense. It feels more right to let go, to move on and embrace my whole self in a way that feels right to my core. I figure I’ve more in front of me than I do behind at age 34 career wise. It feels symbolic, emotional and like an act of empowerment. A reassurance to my younger self that she is and has always been legitimate, that there is no shame in her name and nothing to feel embarrassed about. I feel privileged to be able to share my story in a way she never could, because she was living it in survival mode.
The admin involved is of course painful but signature by signature I’ll get there. Watch this space, Jessica Rose Knight will be with you soon.
The name thing fascinates me and I’m curious to hear your story if you’re willing to share. Did you change yours? Would you? Perhaps you chose a new one? Let me know in the comments if you feel comfortable. Whatever your situation, just know there’s no shame and we’re all navigating the confusion that can arise together - hopefully judgement free and with compassion.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
What’s been adding value this week
The Calm Christmas podcast with Beth Kempton
It’s been a long time since I binge watched anything but The Crown on Netflix has captured me
Margaret Atwood joined substack!
My simple living ebooks
Final reminder that my simple living ebooks are 50% off until the end of this weekend. This is the most they’ve ever been reduced. You can find out more about them and get your copies here.
I took my husband’s name for three reasons, practical, romantic and trivial.
1. My maiden name was always tricky for people to read and spell. Then I moved to the UK and started having the same problem with my first name and was tired of all the spelling and explaining.
2. I liked the idea of both of us having the same name, as a unit, especially as we didn’t want children.
3. I thought it was fun, to switch identities, to juggle two names, in the same way I now have two passports.
And since he died, having his name has felt even more precious. Choice is key, really, and knowing why we make it.
Have you considered just being Jessica Rose? Lots of people have Rose as their surname…. Just a friendly suggestion…..🤷♀️