Hello you!
There’s a reason I dedicated my book to my therapist. She’s wise. Very wise. One of the best pieces of advice she gave me was when I was contemplating leaving my marriage whilst simultaneously drowning in fear of being alone. I agonised over whether I was making the right decision, how I’d cope alone both practically and emotionally. He even said to me before I left - it’ll be hard on your own Jess. Those words still echo in my head from time to time, usually on a bad day.
I’d been married for ten years and never lived alone. I was unhappy though and I’d been feeling the loneliest I’d ever felt in my life. I knew I could stay, carry on as things always had been or I could do what felt like the only way to breathe again…to go it alone. The piece of wise advice I was given was that we’re always alone, we just create a false sense of security to convince ourselves otherwise. Inside our minds and bodies remains just that; ours. Connections enrich our lives but the most important and consistent relationship we’ll ever have is the one we have with ourselves.
Two years later here I am very much alone writing this letter to you in a Parisian cafe. I’ve gone from feeling petrified at the prospect to living alone in a foreign country. That’s some progress. During that time I’ve given myself the space I needed to realise what I’m capable of and trust that no matter what my relationship status is I’m fine because I have myself and I not only know how to be alone but also enjoy it.
When I say being alone I’m not just talking about the introvert dream of not seeing anyone for a day so we can recharge our batteries. I mean really being alone with ourselves, long term unconditionally and leaning on ourselves as a sense of security, not just while our partner goes away for the weekend or takes the kids out for the day so we can have a breather.
So how do we do it? We learn to enjoy being alone exactly the same way we build strong healthy relationships with others.
Get to know and like yourself - take the necessary time to invest in yourself the same as you would if you were getting to know someone new. Be curious about yourself, your values, your likes and dislikes but most importantly be honest. What a joy to not have to impress anyone but you. Get in touch with your intuition and learn how to listen to it when it calls. We do this by paying attention to how we feel especially when we feel in alignment vs when we feel off balance. Look inwards instead of outwards on the basis you already have the answers inside. Pay attention to the whispers in your head and then give them a microphone so you can hear what they have to say; and then be interested as well as compassionate. You matter.
Build trust - take steps to prove to yourself what you’re capable of whether that’s earning money, finding a new place or taking a solo travel trip. Do something outside of your comfort zone. Start small but build up. Think of taking small risks like taking a leap of faith and believe you have what it takes to catch yourself, even if you fall. Honour the commitments you make to yourself and show up for yourself as you would for anyone else you love or respect. Building trust takes time in any relationship and the one you have with yourself is no exception so go slowly and take small steps. The more you trust yourself the more confidence you’ll build and the less you’ll look to others for reliance.
Have experiences - take yourself on an artist’s date Julia Cameron style or just a regular date and do this often, at least weekly if possible. It could be something you used to love doing when you were little, a coffee at a cute cafe, a couple of hours in a meadow writing poetry or going to a museum. Do things with yourself that you enjoy and be sure to take photos or make videos if you want to capture them. These moments are just as worthy as if you were with someone else and deserve to be looked back on with just as much fondness.
Sit with the discomfort - Being alone and or feeling alone can stir up lots of uncomfortable feelings but these are important and worthy of your attention. Curiosity becomes important again here. We can never have too much self-knowledge so try to name how you’re feeling (you may need to look at a feelings chart if you’re anything like I was when I started this practice), where you feel it in your body and then let it wash over you. I know how simple that sounds whilst at the same time how impossible it can feel in the moment but this is a practice that in my experience is crucial to learning how to be and enjoy being alone. The less afraid we are of the feelings that arise the more comfortable we are pushing through them and this comes with a little exposure therapy so we can learn these feelings feel excruciating at times, but they won’t kill us. The more we can deal with inner conflict the stronger our relationship with ourselves will be.
Paris accommodates aloneness very well. It seems acceptable here. I see people doing all sorts of things alone all the time. Meandering around a museum, sitting outside a cafe, walking by the seine. Whenever I shared my decision to come back to Paris the foregone conclusion was always that I’d met someone. I get it but that’s not why I came back, I came back for me. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw I did come to Paris to wander the streets alone, until I meet someone I enjoy wandering the streets with anyway - and that’s ok. It’s pretty magical actually.
I recently watched a school of life reel that reassured me the secret to a successful relationship is being okay alone and I wholeheartedly agree. Without the work of the last two years I would have definitely settled for someone not quite right for me out of fear or desperation. Of course I know there’s a balance, I need to be realistic and being too picky is where my avoidant side shines through, but honestly I can confirm it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. The secret then is to not only learn to be alone but to enjoy it. I’ve also found the more you value you the more others will too and the more authentic and nourishing your connections will be.
What about you? Do you enjoy time alone? Do you find peace in it? How has that journey been for you?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Silence and Solitude are the air I breathe. It's absolutely essential for my mental health to have plenty of them in my daily life.
Hi Jessica,
Loved this letter - so true. And such a coincidece I was thinking about just this today as I went for a walk.
Normally I wear headphones and listen to a podcast, but today I decided not and got chatting briefly to a lovely older couple who were listening to the bird songs and told me what some of them were.
Sometimes I find if I let myself be alone with me in the moment these kind of casual interactions happen more, and I'm learning to really appreciate them now I'm on my own, they often make me smile! Xx