Hello you
Apologies there was no letter last week, covid finally found me. I’m feeling better now but it was a steep hill to climb.
I’ve had a wobble over my individuality recently, something I hold so close to my heart and encourage others to do the same. I put this down to allowing myself to be seen, a leap of vulnerable faith I took. Do you find acts of vulnerability do that for you too? They feel scary and can make you question yourself?
My response to feeling both vulnerable and seen was to hide myself again, as quickly as possible to prevent the pain that comes from feeling emotionally naked in front of another. If people can’t see your most sensitive parts, they can’t judge can they? And if I don’t feel exposed then I can’t feel seen. I feel safe because I can’t feel naked.
Earlier this week I was stood waiting to pay for the petrol I’d just put in my car when I heard a silly voice approaching. ‘Do you want any potatoes?’ she sang as she danced around the corner. Seeing me stood there at the till she looked embarrassed. ‘Hey, you’ve got to be silly right?’ I reassured her. This turned into a three way conversation between the 18 year old behind the counter, the mid 40s mum (the singer in question) and myself about how we all felt like the weird kid at school, like we didn’t fit in and the pressure for kids to fit in today is off the charts. I don’t think it’s just the kids though.
When I was on holiday in Ibiza I noticed how little individuality there was in the mainstream bars, beaches and events I went to - and I couldn’t let it go. It wasn’t just the girls it was the guys as well. They looked the same, dressed the same and even acted the same. How monotonous I thought. The people I enjoyed spending the most time around were the different ones, those who had a unique style, unusual features or an energy that said I’m comfortable with who I am, take me as you find me.
Dating has pushed me in this area. The fear of being your true self with someone you like and want to like you back is as if you’re standing in the playground all over again, knowing you’re the weirdo and not wanting to be seen for all of that whilst secretly not only wanting to be seen for that but also accepted - and dare we even wish…loved.
We can’t talk about vulnerability without talking about intimacy and I feel like this post says it all.
To feel this kind of intimacy, which can be platonic as well as romantic, we have to embrace ourselves, and all our weirdness. Diluting who we are is simply no good. It achieves nothing. We cannot feel safe and seen unless we give someone a chance.
So how do we embrace this inner weirdo of ours? First of all we need to accept that we are all weird, some of us are just better at pretending we aren’t than others. No matter how strangely or insecurely we think of ourselves and those parts we prefer to keep hidden out of fear, we are all normal.
Our insecurities are normal, our non-symmetrical faces and imperfect bodies are normal, our strangest thoughts, tastes and feelings are normal, our desire to sing and dance like nobody is watching is normal. As soon as we realise this we are already more connected with not only those around us but most importantly ourselves. The next step is to not only embrace those parts of ourselves but love them and in turn we can love the weird parts of another too.
The more I try to hide the less myself I feel. The more frustrated I feel and the more numb I become. I don’t like it. I feel lonely, I feel misunderstood and I feel lost. I also find myself envious of those who are so brave and uniquely themselves, and I know how important envy is as an emotion when it comes to highlighting what we really want. Hiding away isn’t my aim in life even if it feels like a natural response. Nothing good comes from our safety zone. This is a shortcut to living an inauthentic life full of people pleasing, trends we don’t even like and mindless decision making.
It takes courage but being our beautiful weird imperfect selves it’s the best way to be, because to be authentic we can’t be anything else. Our weirdness is what makes us all special and unique and without that what are we? Who are we?
So this week I wanted to send a small note of reassurance that you’re not the only weirdo out there. We’re all weird in our own way and we all feel conscious about it because of how equally scary and desirable it feels to be seen. It took someone reassuring me that we’re all a bit weird to feel like I could express my own weirdness in a vulnerable setting but I later realised how capable I was of doing this for myself. I didn’t need him to tell me. We’re always capable of giving ourselves exactly what we need, whether that be love, reassurance or a permission slip to simply be us.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
What’s been adding value this week
My new favourite instagram account is @authenticlovemag and it warms my heart every single day.
The Dutch House is my latest read and I’m getting really into it.
I’ve been on a photo decluttering mission and Deleter is my favourite app to use for this. It mass deletes all photos that aren’t in your favourites (on iPhone) so when you’re decluttering you can scroll through with the mindset of what do I want to keep as opposed to what do I want to get rid of.The Simple Letter is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
I recently found out I am ADHD/HFA at age 49. Struggled all my life to understand why I never felt like I fit in, I was the wierd/strange one. Now I understand why - I am neurodiverse (ND)! Suddenly I found I fit in with a type of person where my wierd self is considered normal. I encourage anyone who has always felt like the little black duck to look into the same possiblity of ADHD/ASD themselves because it's a life changing realisation to find out the reason for feeling "less than" [everyone else] because I was different, up until now. NOW I love every odd part that makes me, me. I see a common thread in the comments on this letter and have a pretty good feeling that many of you are also ND and we'd all be very good friends if we ended met!
Jessica, have been reading your letters on and off for years, first time I've responded. Not because nothing rang true before, but because I saw myself in you and although I was comforted by your words, you said it all and there was no need to add to what was already beautifully written. I write now with the hope my story will strike a note with you and your readers, that there is a reason for being different and that it's as normal as being neurotypical. Please continue to be your wonderful, weird self!!!
As I've gotten older (i will be 60 in a few months) I felt I've embraced my weirdness, I don't mind what people think of me or how I act, which is like a big child most of the time, but that's the true me, and I finally feel comfortable been just ME, instead of blushing and hiding myself away.