The mid-30s squeeze
When the walls feel as though they're closing in and the sand timer is running out
Hello you!
It feels like the walls are closing in. I’m the same age Carrie Bradshaw was in season 3 of Sex And The City right now and let me tell you, when I first watched those episodes I couldn’t WAIT to be this age. I mean couldn’t wait. I was in my teens at the time and these girls were my idols. Oh to have my own place, be able to afford designer clothes, the hot guys with established lives, a career I loved. I know it’s a tv show and paints an overly glamourised / unrealistic lifestyle, but still I couldn’t wait to look like them and have their freedom. So why do I feel chlostraphobic?
I never used to care about my age. Turning 30 didn’t bother me one bit. Was this because I was a homeowner in a secure marriage at the time so I was flying under the what society expects of us radar? I’m not sure. Now it feels like everyone else is bothered I’m in my 30s and that’s making me bothered. I think this is a tough time for women. We’re considered geriatric in terms of pregnancy age 35 onwards and we’re constantly reminded our desirability is about to dwindle as our faces start to sag and wrinkles set in.
The sympathy and free passes we used to receive for being young have now been passed onto Gen Z. We’re grown ass women and we’re supposed to have figured it all out by now. We’re supposed to have it all according to the narrative - a life partner, children, a home, a career, a skin care routine. I’m still working through childhood trauma!
I hear friends talking about staying in a toxic relationship purely because they want a second child, feeling hopeless about starting a new business because it’s too late for them, anxious about posting a bikini photo on Instagram because of how inappropriate it feels. It’s like there’s an imaginary sand timer with our names on and it’s about to run out. We’d not only better decide what we want quick but make it happen even faster, else that’s it - game over.
What we’re expected to achieve and decide on by this point in our lives is quite frankly ridiculous. This pressure and these expectations are targeted at women, our age is weaponised against us and it’s no wonder we’re sitting at home at night going a little nuts. Our brains have only just finished developing and we’ve barely figured out who we are let alone what we want. Just in time for it to be all be over? I don’t think so.
When the pressure intensifies, this is the time to ease our foot off the pedals even if it feels scary and the opposite of what we think we should be doing. Taking the pressure off and coming up for air is never a bad idea. It’s the only way to have an unbiased conversation with our intuition, gain some perspective and consequently make the right choice, which is always what’s right for us right now in this moment. It doesn’t matter what others think we should be doing, we’re on our own timeline, we have our own wants and needs - and that’s ok.
The reason I couldn’t wait to be the same age as Carrie wasn’t because of how overly glamourised the show was, I just didn’t have any of the pressures I feel today because I was a teen. The expectations were well documented throughout the show but it was the freedom and autonomy my mid-30s promised that I ached for, and I have that to do whatever I want with. This can feel overwhelming yes but it’s also incredibly powerful and a privilege to treasured. The myth that we’re running out of time is exactly that - a myth. Now is a great time to be me, to be you, to be us. We are grown ass women and we can do whatever we want thanks to all the opportunities available to us that didn’t exist for generations before us.
We have the freedom and autonomy to make choices for ourselves. Maybe the walls aren’t closing in at all, maybe they’re wide open and we just have to embrace what it is we really want in our lives - because it’s all there for the taking. The narrative is nonsense, fictitious rubbish invented by the patriarchy. We’ve got a long way to go and anyone who judges our self-worth based on our looks and youth isn’t worth knowing.
Did any of us really feel perfectly secure and our most beautiful in our early 20s? I know I didn’t. And don’t get me started on my teens, I wouldn’t want to go back there if you paid me - I was busy dreaming of being a mid-30s Manhattan dweller sipping cosmos! The point is it’s all an illusion and we need to find our value in the present, make the most of it and stop aching for the past or worrying about what we can’t foresee or control.
Chances are the past wasn’t what we remembered it to be and the future won’t go as planned. None of us know what the future holds but it certainly holds promise, it’s never too late and we owe it to not give up on us. Nora Ephron assured us that whatever insecurities we have in our 30s we’ll feel nostalgic for in our 40s, so let’s not be too hard on ourselves, enjoy what we’re packing right now and wrap up warm in the love we deserve. Who made these stupid rules anyway?
If you can relate to any of this just know that you’re not alone, we’re all in this together and one way or another we’ll make it through. The only way is through.
Have you felt the mid-30s squeeze? Maybe you’ve passed through the other side and have some wisdom to pass on? Maybe you’re feeling the mid-20s squeeze? Either way, we need to talk about this because not talking about it and suffering in silence isn’t helping anyone.
Lots of love
Jessica xx
What’s been adding value this week
This reel on Instagram has soothed my anxious brain every time I watched it (on repeat!)
Roxanne Gay is on Substack! Enough said.
This read blew my mind and made me feel super motivated to make some big changes
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I just turned 53 years old and although I don’t look anything like Jennifer Lopez or Jen Aniston (whom are the same age), I feel I have learned to love myself and appreciate my body as it is. I learned to care for it with organic food and some yoga, which makes me feel great. I feel sorry for those women that seemed to have the perfect bodies all their lives because they may have a more difficult time accepting age and try to fight time.
I think Coco Channel once said “you can be gorgeous at thirty, charming at forty, and irresistible for the rest of your life” and that is my plan. How will I do it? By being my authentic self.
If I could, I would wrap my 50 year old arms around you and I’d tell you that you have it all already. The only person that judges you so harshly is you. It’s like the spot that you think looks like a barnacle on your chin and nobody else noticed it.
Let the angst go… just be you and enjoy you warts and all. There will always be stresses, ups and downs, but life is short and statistically you have more ahead of you than behind you, so embrace the beauty that you have in abundance right now because it will fade, you will still be beautiful, but it’s different - believe me I know - enjoy it now, today, this minute.
Embrace opportunity, friendship and every scrap of fun because it’s what makes the not so nice stuff that life also throws at us bearable.
Excuse the cliché, but we really are all uniquely enough x