Thank you for such beautiful, raw, honest vulnerability, Jess. God love you. I pray you get all that you long for and then some. Sex, desire, love and all. You don’t deserve it in fragments. You deserve the whole thing, to have your cake and eat it all at once. ♥️
After 25 years with my late husband I can relate. When he died I was shut down and it took a few years for desire to return.
I wasn’t properly healed and a few relationships ended which was painful on top of the grief of losing my husband.
I’ve been single for a while and I’m focused on my healing and the relationship with myself and I now feel much more ready to enter a healthier relationship. I want the intimacy of feeling totally seen and that takes time and can’t be rushed.
So I’ll be slower to build the next relationship and protect myself until I feel more ready to open with deeper trust and connection ❤️🩹
As someone who struggles with sharing personal stories, I admire your bravery and vulnerability in this essay. Well-written, and I'm sure resonates with many people.
Jessica, thank you for sharing something so personal. While reading of your experience I was struck by what you felt and how closely it resembled my “first time” following my divorce. I think I’m also intrigued by not only the similarities in the emotions but by the fact that I’m a man. For some reason I just assumed our feelings and expectations would have been different.
I was married for 23 years and divorced for almost 3 years before I worked up the courage to date again. I can remember the nervousness and excitement in being with another woman other than my former wife for the first time in twenty some years. The experience itself was wonderful and I particularly recall how amazing it felt to be desired and touched by someone again. However, the one thing I do recall was, immediately following that first sexual experience post divorce, that excitement soon gave way to a strange sense of guilt. I don’t know why but I just felt guilty for being with someone other than the woman I’d always been with, even though we were no longer married. I think part of it was, like you alluded to, I was craving not only the physical sensation that comes from sex but I was also craving the deep intimacy that was present in my marriage and that wasn’t there. Sadly, the relationship in which that first post divorce encounter occurred did not last, for a number of reasons. But that first sexual experience was definitely a mixed bag of emotions that I guess comes from being with someone new after more than two decades of sleeping with the same person.
Thanks for sharing and I do so love your writing!!
Such a well written piece. Sex is so much more than physical and many times we forget that. But don't be discouraged Jess. You know the issues there and know it isn't your fault, and as you heal things will get better. Also the right person, will understand and cherish you for the gem you are!
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life that many people experience but wouldn’t dare share publicly. I know that took lots of courage 🧡
I had one casual encounter with a man after I had ended a loving relationship with an ex boyfriend. We had seen each other a few times and he said that because we made it to the third date, maybe we should try taking it to the next level. I sheepishly agreed. Afterwards, the contrast in experiences between him and the man I’d loved were definitely felt. He didn’t care if I had “gotten there”, there was no cuddling or affection afterwards. And I left his place that night feeling more alone than I had before we did it. That was when I’d resolved that casual sex without love wasn’t for me. I can’t say I’ve followed the rule of having to love someone before we have sex, or that I’ve been completely sure that I was ready before it happened in my relationships after that, but four sexless years later, it is what I aim for 🧡
I’m not even sure where to begin… but our paths are so aligned and I felt seen in every word of this. Endless thank yous for sharing so vulnerably and honestly, reading this was a medicine I didn’t know I needed.
I too have just met someone new after 15 years with my ex-husband. It’s completely taken me by surprise and I didn’t think it would ever happen, let alone so fast. However I am noticing huge resistance and self-preservation coming up, I don’t want to let myself feel. I’m terrified. But somewhere in the middle of this, a dormant, sensual side of me is waking. And I don’t know what to do with that either. And I thought leaving my marriage was the hard bit 😅
Regardless, this new journey feels triggering and wonderful simultaneously, as oppose to a monotonous drag of heavy emotions.
(Sorry for the mini essay but honestly, this piece feels so poignant for me and I am so grateful to you for sharing)
I really admire your openness and honesty here. Probably not the response you’re expecting but I’ve been struggling with writing a chapter for my memoir and the way you’ve approached this is so tender…you haven’t shared too little or too much, but just enough 💛
Another beautiful piece, thank you so much for sharing and opening up this conversation! There is not enough written about the female emotional side to sex in my opinion. Our true desires. (Of course, they are different for everyone, however...) Seems we are expected to be somewhat dispassionate in society's view now days and disassociate from all that a healthy sexual relationship should be. I was divorced for ~20 years with very few partners in between. What I finally realized is that I didn't want an encounter, I wanted a true and deep relationship and someone who would be in it with me for longer than a night. Someone I could be vulnerable enough with to truly surrender to the act, the person, and the satisfaction it could bring. I could learn to give of myself and also take when needed. And funny enough, that is what he wanted as well of me. Vulnerable and surrender were not two words that this single professional mother had in her vocabulary at the time. Trust and release were two more words almost foreign.
I did find someone and we have now been together for 4.5 years. At age 59, I am so glad I found my way into this maze which brings its own life force. Having a true partner is the gift I will never take for granted, someone I can deeply trust and enjoy.
I feel like I’m going to be the Samantha Jones of the comment section 😉 I have 3 lovers, yes 3. They all bring a different dynamic. The love making is different, how they make me feel is different and how they respond to the ups and downs of my life and theirs is different. I hope with time, you will find someone who makes you feel amazing but if you don’t, that’s ok, learn how to make yourself feel amazing. Relationships are what you make them and they do not have to be conventional. What matters is that you are happy. A life lived in fear, is a life half lived.
Thank you for such beautiful, raw, honest vulnerability, Jess. God love you. I pray you get all that you long for and then some. Sex, desire, love and all. You don’t deserve it in fragments. You deserve the whole thing, to have your cake and eat it all at once. ♥️
So brave and healing to write this.
After 25 years with my late husband I can relate. When he died I was shut down and it took a few years for desire to return.
I wasn’t properly healed and a few relationships ended which was painful on top of the grief of losing my husband.
I’ve been single for a while and I’m focused on my healing and the relationship with myself and I now feel much more ready to enter a healthier relationship. I want the intimacy of feeling totally seen and that takes time and can’t be rushed.
So I’ll be slower to build the next relationship and protect myself until I feel more ready to open with deeper trust and connection ❤️🩹
I enjoyed the book Women’s Anatomy of Arousal by
Sheri Winston xx
As someone who struggles with sharing personal stories, I admire your bravery and vulnerability in this essay. Well-written, and I'm sure resonates with many people.
Jessica, thank you for sharing something so personal. While reading of your experience I was struck by what you felt and how closely it resembled my “first time” following my divorce. I think I’m also intrigued by not only the similarities in the emotions but by the fact that I’m a man. For some reason I just assumed our feelings and expectations would have been different.
I was married for 23 years and divorced for almost 3 years before I worked up the courage to date again. I can remember the nervousness and excitement in being with another woman other than my former wife for the first time in twenty some years. The experience itself was wonderful and I particularly recall how amazing it felt to be desired and touched by someone again. However, the one thing I do recall was, immediately following that first sexual experience post divorce, that excitement soon gave way to a strange sense of guilt. I don’t know why but I just felt guilty for being with someone other than the woman I’d always been with, even though we were no longer married. I think part of it was, like you alluded to, I was craving not only the physical sensation that comes from sex but I was also craving the deep intimacy that was present in my marriage and that wasn’t there. Sadly, the relationship in which that first post divorce encounter occurred did not last, for a number of reasons. But that first sexual experience was definitely a mixed bag of emotions that I guess comes from being with someone new after more than two decades of sleeping with the same person.
Thanks for sharing and I do so love your writing!!
Such a well written piece. Sex is so much more than physical and many times we forget that. But don't be discouraged Jess. You know the issues there and know it isn't your fault, and as you heal things will get better. Also the right person, will understand and cherish you for the gem you are!
Jessica - I’ve been admiring your writing from a distance for years but this post broke me open. So beautifully raw and open. Thank you for sharing. x
This is such a generous share. Thank you
Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life that many people experience but wouldn’t dare share publicly. I know that took lots of courage 🧡
I had one casual encounter with a man after I had ended a loving relationship with an ex boyfriend. We had seen each other a few times and he said that because we made it to the third date, maybe we should try taking it to the next level. I sheepishly agreed. Afterwards, the contrast in experiences between him and the man I’d loved were definitely felt. He didn’t care if I had “gotten there”, there was no cuddling or affection afterwards. And I left his place that night feeling more alone than I had before we did it. That was when I’d resolved that casual sex without love wasn’t for me. I can’t say I’ve followed the rule of having to love someone before we have sex, or that I’ve been completely sure that I was ready before it happened in my relationships after that, but four sexless years later, it is what I aim for 🧡
Jess, your writing is just so beautiful and gorgeous and breathtakingly honest but powerful ❤️
Jess - what a beautiful raw message so beautifully written. You deserve the very best and I feel sure you will find it 💕
I’m not even sure where to begin… but our paths are so aligned and I felt seen in every word of this. Endless thank yous for sharing so vulnerably and honestly, reading this was a medicine I didn’t know I needed.
I too have just met someone new after 15 years with my ex-husband. It’s completely taken me by surprise and I didn’t think it would ever happen, let alone so fast. However I am noticing huge resistance and self-preservation coming up, I don’t want to let myself feel. I’m terrified. But somewhere in the middle of this, a dormant, sensual side of me is waking. And I don’t know what to do with that either. And I thought leaving my marriage was the hard bit 😅
Regardless, this new journey feels triggering and wonderful simultaneously, as oppose to a monotonous drag of heavy emotions.
(Sorry for the mini essay but honestly, this piece feels so poignant for me and I am so grateful to you for sharing)
Honest brave and straight to the core of one of life’s taboos 🏹
Self partnering yourself is still important even if actually with someone. This is an expansive subject. 🤍
I really admire your openness and honesty here. Probably not the response you’re expecting but I’ve been struggling with writing a chapter for my memoir and the way you’ve approached this is so tender…you haven’t shared too little or too much, but just enough 💛
Thank You for sharing..
I appreciate your vulnerability xxx
Another beautiful piece, thank you so much for sharing and opening up this conversation! There is not enough written about the female emotional side to sex in my opinion. Our true desires. (Of course, they are different for everyone, however...) Seems we are expected to be somewhat dispassionate in society's view now days and disassociate from all that a healthy sexual relationship should be. I was divorced for ~20 years with very few partners in between. What I finally realized is that I didn't want an encounter, I wanted a true and deep relationship and someone who would be in it with me for longer than a night. Someone I could be vulnerable enough with to truly surrender to the act, the person, and the satisfaction it could bring. I could learn to give of myself and also take when needed. And funny enough, that is what he wanted as well of me. Vulnerable and surrender were not two words that this single professional mother had in her vocabulary at the time. Trust and release were two more words almost foreign.
I did find someone and we have now been together for 4.5 years. At age 59, I am so glad I found my way into this maze which brings its own life force. Having a true partner is the gift I will never take for granted, someone I can deeply trust and enjoy.
So vulnerable Jess! 👏🏻
I feel like I’m going to be the Samantha Jones of the comment section 😉 I have 3 lovers, yes 3. They all bring a different dynamic. The love making is different, how they make me feel is different and how they respond to the ups and downs of my life and theirs is different. I hope with time, you will find someone who makes you feel amazing but if you don’t, that’s ok, learn how to make yourself feel amazing. Relationships are what you make them and they do not have to be conventional. What matters is that you are happy. A life lived in fear, is a life half lived.