Hello you!
I’m back in therapy. Healing myself from past trauma had become a little addictive, intense and overwhelming. Sometimes you need to know when enough is enough and it’s time to walk away for a while; be with yourself fully and enjoy life instead of wading around in the shadows trying to fix what was never really broken, just wounded. This is often the case for those with PTSD. We need time to just be, for the dust to settle before we can dive back into our experiences through talking therapy.
I knew when my break had come to and end and now therapy feels beneficial again but I’m having more practical sessions than before. Recently I talked about anxiety in a session. Trying to find an apartment to rent in Paris taught me so much about myself. I had to push myself further out of my comfort zone than I’ve ever been. When the quest for a rented apartment began I didn’t even know what to google. It soon became clear, in a city where competition is so tough, the more upfront you can be the better. Apartments advertised just hours ago had already been rented when I inquired.
To get what I wanted, I’d have to face the common introvert’s fear of picking up the phone in order to speak to agencies directly. Not only that I’d have to do this in French - a language I’m learning but cannot speak close to fluently. Back in the UK I wouldn’t mind so much but here - well my anxiety had a lot to say! It’s one thing to practice my French with the guys in the local shop or a friend over dinner but it’s another over the phone in a formal situation. A month of learning how the French rental market worked it was obvious my anxiety around calling instead of sending messages (expertly translated by Deepl) was what was holding me back. It felt crippling. I knew what I needed to do but felt stuck in fear of sounding weird, of having the phone put down on me or being misunderstood. In these cases, the anxious ones tend to avoid what’s making us feel anxious, though this only made things worse.
In one of our sessions my therapist told me about the anxiety trap. She explained how anxiety works. I vaguely remembered having this explained to me before but I’d clearly forgotten. Basically anxiety keeps us stuck, in a state of freeze. We feel afraid to do the thing so we don’t do it. We’re worried about what might happen, how we’ll feel - in my case feeling stupid, someone being horrible to me, having the phone put down on me. So what happens? We avoid doing the thing. The thing is with anxiety, the more we don’t do what we feel anxious about the more our anxiety grows. We feel more and more anxious and the hurdle becomes higher and higher to get over. This is called the anxiety trap and this is exactly where I found myself in my Parisian apartment search.
I’d done everything to avoid it. I’d even branded my dossier hoping this would make me stand out so I didn’t need to make a call - but it wasn’t working. So what’s the answer? Exposure therapy. The only way to reduce our anxiety around a certain situation is to do the thing we’re afraid of. Again and again. And again. The more we don’t do it the worse the anxiety gets. The more we do it the better our anxiety gets and the greater our confidence becomes.
This made sense and understanding how anxiety worked made me feel a little better but I still felt afraid. Sometimes we need some inspiration, a coach, a partner in crime. I spoke to my friend Cait who’d been having similar feelings about a completely different scenario. She told me she’d made the call she’d been afraid to earlier that day and everything worked out ok. It wasn’t nearly as bad as she’d feared. She actually felt better for doing it and the anxiety had eased. Feeling inspired and armed with the information I couldn’t ignore, that my anxiety would only get worse if I didn’t start making phone calls in French, I translated a few key phrases I knew I’d likely need, took a deep breath, got rid of any expectations around the outcome and I made a call.
The guy who answered spoke English!
I made another call, she didn’t speak English but was kind in her tone.
I made another and he wasn’t kind in his tone, nor did he speak English. This was the worst one and my fears were realised but I noticed something…I didn’t feel nearly as bad as I thought I might. I was not ridiculed, shamed or told to get out of Paris for being so ridiculous. My anxiety had indeed reduced as promised and my confidence was building. I brushed off the negative experience and moved onto the next.
Call after call I felt more confident. My anxiety decreased and I began building momentum. I still feel anxious when I make a call now but much less so. I go to my notes app to get my translated speech ready and simply hope for the best, but know the worst won’t harm me.
I’m wondering if you can relate to this experience. What makes you anxious? Have you overcome it? How? I’m hoping sharing my experience helps to explain why you feel this way, make you feel less alone in it and hopefully give you a little nudge to break down the situation and try to tackle anxiety head on - the only way it can be dealt with.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Oh my goodness I understand. I've lived in three different countries outside the US and I've studied both Russian and Spanish. I saw when I could put aside my discomfort (I also felt/feel the same as you) I got further with specifically my Spanish. People were kind and understanding and my confidence grew. I also struggle with anxiety and worry and many times I've imagined the worse case scenario and emotionally dealt with it and then once I've done the dreaded thing it's fine. I loved what you said on the Q&A vlog that to live life on your own terms and a fulfilling life we have to be ok with being uncomfortable and putting ourselves out there. I personally know this to be true in my life. People may think you are crazy but it's important to live life with meaning and purpose.
It's a relief when other people (especially those who don't actually visibly seem to need it) confess that they have therapy. Reassuring when people show they're vulnerable too. Curious Jessica to know if you use online talk therapy or have you found a French therapist? Mine is an English lady in Normandy but I'm wondering if it's as effective online as in person?