Hello you!
The other week I got a question in my DMs I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. It reads:
Hi Jess. What advice would you have for a 31 year old finding herself moving into a rented home after 3 years owning a house with my partner that we made our home? Your channel is my place of inspiration and absolute optimism as I navigate this tricky time in my life. Thank you for everything you create.
I get asked for advice a lot and always feel reluctant to give it because most of the time I feel as though I’m winging my way through life. I’ve come to accept this is ok though and just because I haven’t cracked the how to live the perfect life code (it doesn’t exist!) that doesn’t mean I haven’t learnt lessons from the experiences I’ve had, especially the mistakes and failures, of which there have been plenty.
So in the spirit of sharing from a place of human to human my answer goes like this…
My heart aches as much as it flutters for you reading this. Partly because I know this pain and partly because I know what’s on the other side. A few months ago I would’ve had very little to offer but after a lot of time and pain I finally feel like the storm has passed.
What you’re going through is a very difficult time. Although I don’t know the context of your situation I know the emotions such a change stirs because I’ve been right where you are. My husband and I owned property for 10 years, created a home we both loved and then one day there I was; sat in a rental feeling like I’d lost everything, like I’d be catapulted back in the race we call life.
Instagram, movies and books have a tendency to minimise the agony of heartbreak, glamorise it even; skirt over the intensity and instead shine a spotlight on the humour, the glow ups, the demonising of men (or women) but the reality can feel much darker to live through. You then feel even more alone in it.
If you’re anything like me you’ll compare everything now with what you once had and romanticise it was perfect. You’ll agonise over why it didn’t work, what you could have done differently and lay awake at night wishing you could invent a time machine so you could reclaim the years you feel as though you’ve lost. It’s an excruciating place to be but I want you to know you’re not alone. This happens to so many of us at all different ages and we can never predict the timing. When it comes to relationships there are no guarantees.
It’s important to understand the magnitude of a situation like this and grant the tenderness it deserves; to give yourself the love, compassion, understanding and kindness you need to travel through it. Being told you’re better off without, it’ll all be ok or just forget about them and move on is of little help and will only bury what needs to be processed. You’re entering a grieving process and there’s no point me telling you it’ll all be wonderful from here because it won’t. You have to go through the pain. The only way is through. Here is how to navigate the storm.
Know this is as much a beginning as it is an ending. Nobody can ever take away what you had; the memories, the fact you owned your place and created a home, the lessons you learnt along the way. These experiences are yours forever and will have made you who you are today. However, you cannot receive what’s coming to you without this ending having to happen first. You may have regrets but what’s important is to not carry on accumulating more of them. We can’t change the past but we can influence our future and make space for what’s ahead if we’re open to it.
Use this time to think about what you really want. I know this is a big question, existential even and you may have absolutely no idea where to even start. That’s ok. Go slow with it but fantasise about potential futures. Write about them. Vision board them. Whatever you fancy just allow yourself to dream and dream big. It’s also ok to only know what you don’t want or to decide you don’t know what you want right now and to give yourself time to figure it out. Here’s the thing - everything you wanted to do but felt you couldn’t you now can. You’re at an age when starting over is doable. We can start over at any age but as someone with a mum who’s going through the same as us in her 60s we’re in a very different position and we should feel grateful this happened sooner rather than later, though it may happen all over again further down the line. So you owned for 3 years and now you’re renting. So what? I’m no expert but from what I’ve read, given the current financial climate it’s now cheaper to rent than it is to buy a place. There’s no shame in renting. It’s freeing and just as you’ve learnt, nothing is set in stone anyway. Society assigns points we can score for ticking certain boxes, owning a home is one of them but your happiness isn’t dependent on any of these so called must dos to be considered a success in life. Sure you may have a preference when it comes to renting vs buying but right now I’d say enjoy the lack of commitment that comes with renting. You can absolutely make a rented place feel like a home and there are lots of vlogs, books and podcasts on this to give you some inspiration if you’re lacking.
Lean into the heartbreak. Most of us are willing to go to great lengths to avoid pain. We indulge in addictive behaviours for temporary relief and distraction. This might be lighting up another cigarette, ordering a Big Mac, buying a new dress or scrolling Instagram in search of our next dopamine hit. We might throw ourselves into a new relationship with the first guy who gives us the attention we so desperately crave while we’re feeling low. This is understandable but it’s a mistake. Something magical happens when you lean into pain. You realise feelings, like everything else in life are temporary and they pass. Scientifically this is said to be within 90 seconds but I’m not so sure. They do pass though, both good and bad and it’s up to us to ride the wave. This is what it means to be alive and we’re never more alive than when we’re grieving. It’s a transformative time when we come face to face with our mortality and is capable of propelling us into growth we never envisaged possible, but the pain is all part of the process. It’s essential. Without pain, without heartbreak we cannot experience the other end of the spectrum as fully, the feelings we want to feel all the time - joy, infatuation, exhilaration and excitement. They all carry more weight because we can compare them to the times we didn’t feel so good. So really lean into the heartbreak, not just for them but for everything else you feel you’ve lost. Let yourself cry, really ugly cry, scream or wail; whatever you need to let it all out.
Write a list of all the bad things they said and did or that weren’t good about the relationship for when you’re feeling nostalgic. I still have my list in my notes app on my phone. I don’t add to it anymore but I still read it from time to time. I used to read it every morning, throughout the day and again before bed. It works. We have a tendency to misremember how things really were, especially if there’s a trauma bond at play. You aren’t together for a reason and it’s important to be honest with yourself about those reasons. This list is your reality check, will grant perspective and always bring you back into the present.
Learn to be alone, to be with yourself and love yourself. We aren’t taught how to be alone. We’re taught to be whatever the male gaze dictates and wait for our prince charming to show up. The princesses we’d dress up as are never complete or content before this happens. As much as I love Disney, we were sold a lie. The happier we can be alone the less we’re willing to settle and the less likely we are to stay in a relationship that isn’t healthy. When we can give ourselves what we need, which we’re more capable of doing than another is anyway, we don’t put as much pressure on a relationship giving it the space it needs to breathe and thrive. We’re more secure when we know we’ll be ok with or without our beloved even though we’d rather be with them. Redirect all that love and energy you were giving them back to yourself. This is how you get over someone. I know how hard it is to stop overthinking or obsessing and the best tool to help you here is mindfulness. Try to cultivate a daily meditation practice even if it’s only for a few minutes so you can train your mind to be able to come back to the now.
Although you are where you are right now and that’s ok, know that there are good things coming. Better things. I know it doesn’t feel like it but this really is an exciting time full of potential. You can start over. You can meet someone new. One day you’ll look back at this as a tiny chapter of a much bigger story. Be in the present yes, but also don’t forget to look forwards because the now and the future are all we really have. The past is the past and all we can do is learn from it. Practice gratitude for what you do have and try to lean into a hopeful optimistic mindset when you feel able. Tell yourself the best is yet to come on repeat and hold such a wonderful thought so close to your heart you start believing it.
And finally, once you feel ready and you’ll know when you do, let yourself rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Maybe your intuition will tell you do something that once seemed impossible but now feels doable. Whatever you decide is right, you’ll soon realise the pain was worth it for what awaits on the other side.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Beautiful piece of writing ❤️
I loved reading this Jessica! I think society makes us think that renting is only for people who ‘haven’t made it in life’ but sometimes people don’t want to be tied down, they want to have the option to get up whenever they like, to be free, to spread their wings and float wherever life takes them without the chain of a 30 year mortgage! Wherever you are in your life is exactly where you’re supposed to be ♥️