My entire life is about to change again and this time I’m terrified
How to embrace the unknown with excitement and self-trust
Hello you!
The last time I felt this way was 10 years ago. I remember it well. What followed was a complete life overhaul. The difference then was that I had no idea what was coming, the monumental shifts about to unfold as a result of this feeling. Sitting in these emotions again I can only imagine what lays ahead and I don’t mind telling you, I feel scared.
Death anxiety is back and it won’t stop banging on the door. I know its voice oh so well, like an old flame who got under my skin. It festers inside me, lingers in the pit of my stomach, sometimes takes hold of my heart, my entire chest. It makes me restless, anxious and fraught with worry. It keeps me awake at night ruminating what on earth I’m doing with my life, that time is passing me by, running out and I’m wasting it.
When I booked my recent trip to Paris for a month I knew I was following my intuition but I had no idea why I had to be there in February and why for the whole month. Now I know. My intuition took me to Paris to show me what was possible. We can’t be what we can’t see and I needed to see how big my world could be, how my life could look and feel if I wanted it that way.
Travelling alone showed me what I’m capable of, how brave I can be, how independent and how much fun I can have. I’ve come home feeling as though I built more of a life for myself in the space of a month in Paris than I have in the last two years at home. And now it’s all disappeared. I keep thinking this is how Alice must have felt when she came out of the rabbit hole. Did all that really happen? Did I dream it? When can I go back?
I promised myself I’d live in the moment throughout the whole trip and that I did, but now the moment is over and it’s time to reflect. It’s time to decide what’s next. What happens when you’ve had an idea, a vision, a dream but you find yourself right back where you started? When you’re back in the real world, your reality staring at the wardrobe knowing Narnia is on the other side? Do you try to forget, tell yourself what most people tell themselves… that it was a fun adventure but that’s not real life and you need to be realistic? Do you accept the life you’ve been given as a consequence of where you were born and your upbringing? Or do you ask the universe to deal you another hand knowing full well it could be a royal flush?
Last time I had these feelings I had no idea what to do with them. I was 25, bound by constraints, three years into my marriage, tightly wound in financial commitments, hadn’t a clue what I wanted to do with my life but I knew I was on the wrong path and if the worst had happened, if cervical cancer had ended it all then I would have had some serious regrets. This was when I promised myself I would no longer live a life of regrets, I’d make the most of the precious time I had and figure out what a meaningful life looked and felt like for me. This was when I decluttered 80% of my stuff, overhauled my relationships, gave up my career to follow my creative dreams, moved to the countryside and eventually wrote a book about it. My death anxiety evaporated because I was living with purpose, living by my values from the inside out.
Here we are again.
This is time is different though. This time I’m a lot braver, I’ve worked on healing core wounds and care less what others think. I have fewer constraints, I’m single, I dream bigger than I ever used to dare and I have a lot more faith in myself. What the hell is going to happen next this time? As brave as I feel, based on what happened the first time around I still feel scared but I feel grateful to have learnt an important lesson that will serve me well moving forwards. Now I know fear and excitement are two emotions easily confused. It’s ok to feel scared but I won’t dismiss the excitement this time, because if me 10 years ago could see me now - she wouldn’t believe it.
I know a lot of us have these feelings, these moments in our lives and while I’ve no idea what’s coming I wanted to share how I’m going to navigate this process the second time around based on what I learnt the first time in the hope it might give you a map of pitstops along your own path of change if any of this is relatable for you.
Take my time
Big changes take time to unfold and it’s okay to go slow. We don’t have to dive right in at the deep end, we can dip our toe to start with and ease the rest of ourselves into the water as and when we’re ready. Yes it’s terrifying to feel as though time is running out but all we have is one day at a time and there’s only so much we can do. Sometimes you know exactly what you want and you know you need to just go for it, but it’s also okay build changes sustainably and with intention over time. This approach often feels a lot less overwhelming and takes the panic of having to do everything right now away.
Look inwards for guidance
I know I already have all the answers inside. This used to frustrate me because I couldn’t always hear them and trying to uncover them felt like a maze I was lost in. I’d look to others for advice, guidance and ideas ignoring what I felt in my gut. In these cases it’s helpful to quieten our minds so we can listen to our hearts. The internet is awash with self-help trying to fix us and everyone has an opinion when we’re in crisis but I’ll be listening to what feels right for me, taking what speaks to me and leaving what doesn’t. There’s no blueprint to follow here but our subconscious wants the best for us. All we have to do is pay attention, to feel our way through and answer when it calls.
Trust my intuition
When we do stumble across answers, whether they’re tiny breadcrumbs that guide us or big realisations they can feel scary. The changes we’re seeking, the life we want for ourselves can feel so alien it’s terrifying but in time I’ve learnt to trust. Our intuition always knows best, even if it sends our minds into meltdown. We might feel ashamed for wanting what we do, like it goes against the grain somehow or it’s unachievable. Feel this out, question the voices that are pushing back, who’s voices are they? What are they trying to achieve? Reassure them if you need to. They could well be past pain trying to keep you safe even though they no longer serve you. Our inner critic doesn’t always need to be shouted down, sometimes it needs swaddling in love.
Free up my finances
This is where I’ll be starting and what I’ve been mulling over since I woke up in my own bed again last week. For me, freedom is real wealth and I have no interest in a life of constraints. I’ve been too avoidant with money for too long but this is common during times of stress and healing so I’m not being hard on myself about it. Now however, it’s time to not only face the music and get intimate with my incomings and outgoings again, but also make changes to free myself as much as possible. I know the difference between needs and wants. I know the latest iPhone contract isn’t an essential, it’s a luxury as are many other financial commitments and I can choose to let go and make alterations as I see fit. The more financial freedom I have the more choice I have.
Reassess my values and what brings me joy
The screensaver on my phone is a post it note with my business values written on it. They are; truth, beauty, simplicity, love, creativity and contribution. Knowing what we stand for, what we believe in and most importantly how we want to be remembered is how we build our version of a meaningful life. I’m going to spend time journaling about what brings me joy personally, how I want to be remembered (not how I think I will be remembered) and how I want to spend my days. Every decision I make moving forwards will have these values at their core. This is how we live in alignment with who we truly are and what we truly want.
Take action one tiny step at a time
Action is the hardest part of change. It’s easy to vision board, to plan and to dream but taking action is when the incline accelerates, our willpower fades and our muscles get tired. I’m not going to expect too much of myself too soon this time. I’m going to aim for a sweet spot somewhere just outside my comfort zone and give myself a rest when I need it. The only requirement will be that I keep taking tiny actions one after the other and moving forwards. A series of small action will all add up in the end.
Adopt an experimental approach
It’s impossible to have all the answers. We can have a grand vision but how we make it happen or how it actually turns out isn’t always the way we expect. This is normal. It’s okay to not know, it’s okay to try things and it’s okay to fail. This is how we evolve. From here we can try again, learn from our mistakes and muddle our way through. Despite what we see on the surface, those living the kind of life we dream about are all winging it too, we just can’t see the paddling that goes on beneath the surface of the seemingly elegant swans. We’re all in this together and there’s a comfort in that.
Take the pressure off
As a recovering perfectionist, pressure is my favourite stick to beat myself with. Pressure can help give us a push when we need it but applying too much is the quickest way to cripple our progress. Relieving it is exactly that - a relief. Take the pressure off and you’ll think clearer, feel less stuck and more creative. The best way to do this is lowering expectations and being kind to ourselves, talking to ourselves like we would our best friend or a child. This is our life, we may as well help ourselves along as best we can instead of making it harder than it has to be.
Scary times, yes - but the excitement. Oh the excitement!
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Before I go I wanted to let you know that my ebooks are now half price until the end of March. If you’re looking for a step by step guide designed to hold your hand through finding your own version of a simpler wardrobe, home and life you can find out more and download your copies here.
Thank you for sharing this, Jessica! We are very much in this phase right now too. I literally read this out loud to my husband last night and it helped us both so much to feel less alone. I turn 40 this year and definitely feel like I'm not where I should be in life. We both feel big changes coming but we're not sure what that looks like just yet, except that we want to live more creatively and travel more. Our main core value together is the freedom to choose our life. Big change is disorienting and confusing and terrifying but as you said, SO exciting too! If only we had a crystal ball right? So excited to watch your journey unfold and see where it takes you! Thank you for sharing the in-between bits, it helps those of us who are right there along with you. Cheering you on!!
Love this and well done for embracing the change. Especially when it comes to moving or making really big changes, I know so well how scary it can be, but so worth it. Over the last ten years I've spent time living in Zambia, four years in Florence, then moved to Austria (my idea of a nightmare) in 2020. Each move has completely transformed my life and taught me so much, as well as influencing my career. Now I'm getting ready for moving somewhere and settling, and I'm using all of these steps you've mentioned, above all not rushing it, despite my impatience! Good luck and we look forward to seeing these changes unfold 🌟