Minimalism alone is never enough
Why decluttering can’t create a sustainable change in our life satisfaction
Hello you
I’m always searching for something. This is my mother’s opinion of me, and to an extent she’s right. The deep desire I feel to search for the next best thing, what I feel is missing from my life or the lifestyle that tricks me into thinking it will solve all my problems makes me vulnerable to whatever the latest fad is. This is how I became hooked on the idea of minimalism and decluttering.
I was in a really low place, saddled with lots of debt, addicted to shopping my feelings, fraught with death anxiety post cervical cancer all clear and desperate for a more meaningful life, whatever that meant. Enter decluttering. It promised to rid my life of any excess weight and make room for only the joyful and meaningful. I devoured the rule book, gave it a try and I couldn’t believe how good I felt.
Things got out of hand pretty quickly. Bin bag after bin bag filled my conservatory at the time and before I knew it 80% of my possessions had disappeared from my life. It was liberating. I felt lighter, more in control and the dopamine rush that washed over me every time I emptied yet another drawer was addictive.
This all sounds wonderful right, the feeling better and clearing out my life, but the problem was it wasn’t enough. My appetite was impossible to satisfy. The highs of decluttering didn’t last longer than a day or so before I felt the need to do another round. I’d swapped my shopping addiction for a decluttering addiction and I was still striving for perfection just a different kind. I felt momentary happiness and exhilaration but the things that really mattered, that would’ve actually increased my quality of life didn’t alter. My relationships didn’t improve and my overall health and wellbeing didn’t improve. I felt calmer, clearer and in control but this was only temporary. Sooner or later I would reset to my original position of feeling low and lacking.
What I hadn’t realised yet was to get to where I wanted to be, this new ideal self I’d envisaged who lived a life full of meaning, I had to actually do a lot of work to get there. I wanted to be at the finish line desperately but I wasn’t there yet, nowhere near and no amount of decluttering or perfecting the exterior appearance of my life was going to do this work for me. When we try to skip from our actual real self to our ideal self without doing the inner work required to get there, we’re destined to hit the rocks. The only way is through.
Expecting decluttering to wave a magic wand over my life was the equivalent of buying the perfect Lululemon workout outfit and expecting this to give me the body of my dreams. Not going to happen. The outfit doesn’t matter one bit, it’s the workout that counts. Having said that a killer outfit can make you more motivated to get your butt outside on a walk or run. It’s all about setting a foundation to work from but also knowing the limits of that foundation.
What I was really searching for wasn’t a perfectly decluttered home, it was a life full of love, fulfilment and contribution. Having the perfect home can act as a foundation to aid healthy habits that build a better state of mind, but this alone isn’t enough. It’s up to us to do the work necessary. It wasn’t until I started to turn inward I realised just how far I had to go. The truth is there’s no end. Getting rid of the excess from my life wasn’t a waste of time or effort but personally I’ve found there are limitations in terms of how much overall life satisfaction following strict general rules of a minimalist lifestyle can bring. Decluttering is a great start, but it’s only the beginning. Sooner or later if you want to make sustainable changes in your life that improve your wellbeing, the real work begins.
The greatest most impactful changes I’ve made haven’t come from a decluttering marathon, they’ve come from the gruelling act of taking a long hard look in the mirror, accepting my flaws and personal struggles then committing to working on them so I can be a better person for both myself and those I love. They’ve also come from a dedicated daily self-care practice, learning to live my life from a place of compassion, set boundaries and making sure I eat well, sleep well and exercise.
My life looks drastically different when I compare it to my first declutter - in a good way, but I firmly believe I wouldn’t have got here without first hitting the reset button on my life, and for that I’ll never regret or turn down a good old decluttering session. Decluttering and minimalism have their limitations but they do act as a calming distraction free foundation for us to live our lives from. A simpler life is one I firmly believe in because without this lifestyle shift I don’t think I would’ve quietened my mind so I could finally start listening to my heart. What we’re searching for lies within ourselves.
Circling back to death anxiety, last week I asked Instagram how everyone would spend their days if they knew they only had 12 months left to live. It’s no surprise decluttering or curating a perfect minimalist lifestyle were absent in the answers. Most of us wanted to travel and spend time with those we love. These are the things that matter most to us. Decluttering creates the space we need but experiencing our version of a meaningful life to the full is where true joy lies.
So, what’s your relationship like with decluttering? And how has it increased your happiness?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
What’s been adding value this week…
This video on lessons learnt from a no buy year was so interesting to me in terms of our behaviour around the spending process
The attachment project quiz was an eye opener in terms of my go to behaviour in relationships
Lisa Olivera’s substack is my latest subscription and I think you’ll enjoy it too if you’re not already signed up
Oh Jessica, every time I read one of your posts I feel your pain and anguish. I think your Mum is right, you are always looking for something, but it’s already there. Some people are shoppers, some are declutterers, some are tidy, some are messy, some are a bit rubbish with money and others are super organised. I think you (and please know that this comes from a good place, I’m not criticising) are always looking to be something that you are not. I know because I did it for years. I had a little imaginary version of me that was a constant in my day dreams. She had a perfect body, a perfect curated home, did yoga every day, had an incredible social life with loads of friends that would drop by for a beautiful brunch at her beautifully set table while she wafted around in her effortlessly stylish clothes from her perfect capsule wardrobe….It was exhausting thinking about her and yet not being her.
What I guess I’m trying to say is, life is short, just be you.
As soon as I stopped trying to be something I wasn’t, my shoulders dropped and that exhausting chatter in my head slowed down. So I accept myself, buy things that I love, not because they fit with an ideal image, but because I love them.
I’m a bit of an introvert, am practically allergic to exercise and really have to make myself do the housework - but that’s ok. It’s what makes me me, none of us are perfect and it’s such a waste of time trying to be. Do you warts and all. With love x
Travelling light through life is what minimalism brings, but all the baggage is carried inside. You can't discard it so easily as material possessions. I've tried, and am still trying, to make sense of it and find purpose. Some people are restless souls while others find their contentment quickly. The 'finish line' doesn't really matter in a way: what matters is the quiet, steady working towards it, and the generous, gentle manner in which you get there.
My brother is as different from me as can be - grounded, no-nonsense, found his feet many years ago and is settled in himself, his career and his life. I'm his polar opposite, eternally hopeful and endlessly seeking. I used to berate myself for this, wonder why I couldn't be more like him. It's only as I've got older that I realised both paths are each as valid as the other.