Letting go of the outcome

Maybe overcoming our struggles is about doing less not more

Hello you!

Last night I fell in love with Paris all over again. She seemed resurrected somehow and the rush of her energy made my heart beat a little faster. Her buildings seemed to glow more than usual and their features stood out so I could see just how beautiful and intricate the details of them were. I felt the excitement of abundance; of possibility, adventure and freedom. Freedom from thoughts, expectations, restrictions and negativity. It was elating. I knew I’d come out the other side of where I’d been stuck. I was open, detached and unlocked. How long would it last this time?

The first few weeks of a real life in Paris have felt constrained, roller coaster like and if I’m honest, at times a bit dark. I don’t like to think I’m naive enough to have expected a happily ever after once my visa came through but I certainly had my eyes on the finish line and tunnel vision was at play. The chase is over now, I have what I wanted and as is so often in these cases the outcome hasn’t been at all what I expected. Reality sets in and the fantasy fades away. The opposite of the month I spent here in February when the city felt like a playground, a game board even with surprises around every corner. Consequences felt insignificant and worth the risk. This was when we first fell in love. I’ve found myself wondering if I’ve made a mistake, whether I can actually make a life here work, whether I can afford it, if Hope will settle in with the other Parisian dogs and if I’ll miss my friends and family back home too much. I feel committed, to exactly the life I felt drawn to by the way, so why all the doubt?

In February I was here for one month, time was limited and felt more precious. There were no expectations, only a feeling on a soul level that I was meant to be here but no idea why, purely intuition led. I was prepared to fly home at a moment’s notice if I wanted to at any point. I wasn’t attached to an outcome, a storyline or a narrative. And what happened? I let my hair down like never before. I said yes to every opportunity that came my way (perhaps a few too many) and the universe just kept sending me more. A new vision for my life was born and actually felt attainable. I felt invincible most of the time, overwhelmed with so much creative energy I didn’t know what to do with it. No wonder I wanted to come back for more.

The contrast between life in Paris in February vs now has highlighted how being attached to an outcome can warp not only our mindset but our entire experience as a result. When we’re attached to the outcome, a narrative or a desire we create a resistance and this affects how we move through the world, the energy we put out and the choices we make. This shift applies to any outcome we hang onto and suffocates the experience, often sabotaging it at our own expense.

Let’s say you want to start a creative business. The idea comes to you very clearly and you feel that rush of excitement, of possibility. You dream about how it might look, how much fun your days could be and the impact you might make on the world. These ideas and visions are flowing through you because this business isn’t expected to pay your bills at this point and it doesn’t contribute to your identity. It’s a private fantasy free from any resistance, a mere dream - but that doesn’t make it any less possible and you know in your heart it’s yours for the taking.

Another example is of course in love. The beginning phase, just before the infatuation and expectations set in is always the most exciting and energised. This is when we don’t care how quickly they reply to our message or even whether they’ll ever text us again. As soon as we start to care, to attach ourselves to the idea that they matter and we also want to matter to them, the stakes sky rocket. The overthinking starts, the dissecting of messages over late night phone calls with your friends begins and a grey cloud hangs over what was a sunny spot you were enjoying. This is the quickest way to crush a budding relationship because this energy transfers before it repels and then poisons.

I’ve caught myself doing exactly this now I’ve married my identity to a life here in Paris. I feel grateful to be aware of it, to have experienced the city in a carefree way so I have something to compare my recent chosen reality to. I think subconsciously I gave myself a no strings fun love affair with it so I could see what was possible…when I let go and just be. This is when life flows through you, because there’s little resistance in place.

So what’s the answer? Because I think we can all agree a life of constraints, struggle and worry doesn’t feel too good. Well we have many options. We can continue to swim in the same circles, we can hide away in fear of not being worthy of what we want or we can work harder to achieve the goal that we want so badly and then move onto the next once that’s been achieved. Personally, and I realise this is the easier said than done approach, I think the answer is to let go. When we let go of the outcome we’re attached to, whether that’s having to be successful or him deciding we’re the one, we remove the restrictions we’re putting in place all together. We’re free to enjoy the experience, we’re okay with disappointment because we had nothing riding on a result and we simply move on to what or who feels like should be next for us. I’m not at all saying this is easy but the contrast I’ve lived out has exhausted me and I know which version I’d choose, which I’d like to practice and build some muscles in.

In Buddhism the origin of suffering is said to be attachment. In psychology we’re told we have more choice over what we attach to than we think. It isn’t the letting go that’s hard for me, it’s the detachment. Once we detach we can let go. That’s actually the easy part.

To make the letting go easier I think we have to poke around in the resistance and discomfort we feel. We have to ask some difficult and confronting questions like who are we without this outcome we’re hanging onto? Why are we so fixated with it? How is clinging onto this desire, this identity affecting our lives? It’s a freeing thought to remind ourselves that without all these things: the business, the guy, the followers, the romanticised Parisian life - we’re still us, just as worthy and more open to experience, to pleasure! I’m learning fulfilment means having to learn to be ok within ourselves no matter the outcome, to detach our identity, self-worth and ability to experience joy from anything external and more importantly out of our control.

What are you attached to? The business you dream about having to be ‘successful’? The relationship you want resembling a movie plot line? How does this affect your life?

What if the path to getting everything you want is paved by letting go of it all? What if in order to get what we want we actually have to do less? Think less and just be, trust and let it happen.

Lots of love

Jessica xxx