Learning the language of boundaried unconditional love

Real life scenarios where I’ve exercised my boundaries and the exact language I used

Hello you

So you know how I’m always saying we need to show up as our higher or most elevated self to shift our reality and manifest our dreams?

Well, I thought I’d put a letter together where I share exactly what this looks like in real life, specifically in the remit of boundaries - something I struggle with and I know lots of you do too.

My default is to swing from rock solid walled off boundaries to not having any at all. The latter being my worst fear. I have a tendency to lose myself in love and friendships to the point where I will sacrifice my needs and desires. It comes from a fear of abandonment and is an ever expanding ripple of ptsd. I will also fawn to keep the peace and avoid conflict. It’s awful because it feels so inauthentic. My nervous system is on high alert and I feel powerless, but there I am doing my best in survival mode.

A healthy in between approach would be lovely and I’m making great strides, but it hasn’t been easy and I’m constantly being tested to evolve. The language has been the biggest lesson for me. I didn’t know the language of boundaries because I was never taught it - luckily like any tongue it can be learned. You might stutter to begin with, make clumsy mistakes but that’s all part of the process and with time your practice will improve, flowing into confidence.

Let’s dive in…

Scenario 1 - my mum wanted me to attend a wedding in the UK I didn’t have capacity for

I’m the first to admit I’ve maybe overdone travels this year, but I’ve also loved every minute. Even though I’m working on each trip I’ve still felt the upheaval and depletion of energy travelling can bring. Shortly after my return to France I was due to attend a wedding I’d been invited to in the UK. Bobbing over to the UK sounds so simple, quick and easy in my head but the reality is it takes a lot of time and energy. I knew in my heart I didn’t have capacity to go.

Backing out of a commitment is code red danger zone territory for my mum, who suffers with anxious attachment style and will go above and beyond not to let people down. I know and understand this about her, but where as previously I would’ve done the ‘good girl’ thing and behaved as I was told, I knew this sacrifice was too much to ask and I’d pay the consequences dearly. So I told her I wouldn’t be going, that I didn’t have capacity - but I would break the news so she didn’t have to and take full responsibility. We also agreed what she would say if my absence was questioned - the truth, that I’d overdone the travelling this year a little and work commitments were building up. This made her feel much better and me also.

I drafted a message explaining the situation, apologising, sent lots of love and all was well. The bride understood and mum had a great time without me.

Scenario 2 - protecting my writing time on a trip with a friend

‘Is that ok?’ I asked her. ‘Not really,’ she replied, ‘but I guess it will have to be.’ My nervous system set on fire. My heart pounded and my hands began to shake. We were spending the whole day together but I needed to write because I had a substack letter to finish for you. Yes, I could have postponed it - but I didn’t want to. I feel intimately connected to my creativity right now and I’m committed to honouring this flow. I’d already been writing for a couple of hours and she wanted me to put my laptop away so we could go for lunch together. ‘I need to finish this piece but go ahead and enjoy your lunch. I’ll see you after,’ I said.

She pushed back asking for a time I’d be finished. ‘I don’t know,’ I replied. She pressed me again for a time. ‘It will be finished when it’s finished,’ I said, ‘I can’t give you a time but I’ll catch up with you later. This is important to me.’

It took a week for my nervous system to fully regulate after this one but I’m so pleased I protected my creativity and my business. The letter was published and we spent the rest of the day enjoying our time together.

Scenario 3 - an old flame returning unchanged

Waiting in the queue outside Universelle Buly my phone rang. A name and number I hadn’t seen on my screen for over a year. He’d seen me but wondered if it was me because I looked ‘different’ he said. Music was playing down the phone when I answered, romantic of course and he suggested we meet. A scooter ride around Paris at sunset maybe, he could book us a court in the park - whatever I wanted. There was no mention of his absence for the last year or so. He also felt the need to tell me he was working with a famous actor now as well as mock my lack of progression in French, my Instagram feed and the shop I was queuing for, labelling it as ‘tourist, non?!’.

I don’t care if you’re a half French half Italian personal trainer with abs Sex and the City’s Bobby Fine would happily mime grate cheese on offering me free tennis lessons in the Jardin Du Luxembourg; unless you’re acting like a king - you’re not coming over the moat. And that’s not because I’m demanding ‘princess treatment’ or setting unrealistic expectations. This is about the basic ingredients required for a healthy relationship; mutual respect, consistency, support, encouragement and stability.

‘It was really nice to catch up with you and I’m so glad to hear you’re doing well but I’ve had time to think and I’m not interested in anything romantic. Wishing you all the best x’ was the message I sent when I got home. Not committing on the phone gave me the breathing space I needed to process the mixture of feelings I was having at the time.

The following morning, I woke up to a message that was sent at midnight that said, ‘I see why you didn’t want to play tennis Jessica, it’s because you’re so bad.’ I smiled when I read it and nodded quietly to myself, feeling grateful my intuition had been right and I’d listened. No reply was required.

I recently watched this video about forgiving with wisdom and thought of it during this situation. I found compassion and forgiveness as I had before, as I always can, but I did so with wisdom this time, keeping my distance and not get pulled back into old patterns that were hurtful. I’d seen his insecurities on our first date together, as well as his need to tear me down and clearly nothing had changed.

Scenario 4 - being asked to create content by a friend that didn’t feel aligned

It was unclear in our conversation on the phone at first, but by taking a step back, telling him I’d message him later when I was home and could give this my full attention, then asking for clarity - the details emerged.

He wanted me to create a vlog dedicated to a sketch he’d created and share the story of what it means to me. A beautiful artistic idea yes, but this isn’t where my online content is focused right now and my body instantly told me it wasn’t something I felt inspired to make. I couldn’t see the vision of how the project would work or benefit everyone - him, me and our YouTube community. This is my process for saying yes or no to collaborations, whether they’re personal or not. Everyone has to benefit somehow. Still, I really didn’t want to disappoint or let him down.

‘You know how much I love your art but my content is super planned out and focused right now so I won’t be able to help. I hope you understand,’ were my words.

He replied and said he understood. This exact scenario has happened to me before but she wasn’t so understanding and exited my life immediately after I said no. We’d been friends since secondary school and it was a heartbreaking loss.

I’m not saying I dealt with these situations perfectly, I’m still learning and that’s ok - but I dealt with them differently and much closer to the version of myself I’m striving to be. Someone who knows and exercises her boundaries from a place of love both for herself and others so I can show up in relationships from an overflowing cup. I’ve finally accepted that unless my needs are met, I’m running on empty and that’s not good for anyone. In return I’ve noticed how much peace I feel as well as pride in my progress and autonomy.

I hope these real life examples help you if only through encouragement. The best book I’ve ever read on boundaries is set boundaries, find peace by Nedra Glover Tawaab which really helped me deal with the guilt I felt for setting them. Terry Real’s fierce intimacy is also great and goes into beautiful detail about what boundaries are as well as how to balance ourselves within them without sacrificing relationships unless absolutely necessary. I also found School of Life’s book how to find the right words very useful. It takes what I’d describe as a typically British polite approach and I feel apologising is ok as well as paying compliments so the other person doesn’t feel personally attacked. It’s even ok to be a little inauthentic I feel, especially while we’re learning, which of course we always are. The intention is what matters most.

What I’m realising is healthy connections will respect your boundaries just as we should respect theirs. Those who fall away were meant to and I see this as a natural part of our collective progression. When you pass the test the universe has sent you the ‘tester’ has no place in your life. It’s ok. We attract what we are and when we change, those around us can change too. It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or we are, just that the connection is complete. Both beginnings and endings can be blessings.

If you’d like to share your scenarios too, I’d love to hear them and I’m sure we can all learn something from them too.

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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