In the quiet is where we find the answers
Unravelling Instagram anxiety and how to mindfully curate the content we consume
Hello you!
We don’t know what we’ve got until it’s gone right? There’s something magical about distance, about quietening our minds so we can listen to our hearts. When we go without something (or someone) we give ourselves space to realise how we really feel about it (or them), whether we’re better off without, what needs to change. This is why I recommend trialing without clothes you’re unsure about when you’re looking to curate a smaller simpler wardrobe and why we pine for ‘the one who got away’.
Like most of us, I’ve had a love hate relationship with Instagram for years. Lately I’ve been referring to it as the toxic guy I don’t need in my life. When it’s good it’s great but when it’s bad it’s really bad. Every time I opened the app I felt a wave of nervousnes, impending doom and even fear. The worst part was a sense that I was out of control, like I couldn’t help my habit or steer the ship to calmer waters. All the good there is to enjoy was being overshadowed by negativity. It’s made me feel so sad and frustrated because I know there’s another way and things used to be very different. I remember the days when Instagram was such a happy place for me to be, like a bubble, where I could connect with like-minded hearts and dive into an inspirational world of escapism. When did it all go so wrong?
I couldn’t figure out why Instagram was driving me this nuts. I unfollowed accounts that didn’t inspire me (100 of them) but it still didn’t help. Every Christmas for two weeks I delete the app, I don’t work and the break resets my brain in a very healthy way. Not even half way through the year and I recently felt the need for another break. My scrolling and my tapping were completely out of control. There was zero intention involved and my anxiety was sky high. Something had to give. I know I’m an all or nothing kind of girl and sometimes you just need a hard delete.
Once the muscle memory had worn off and I stopped tapping what was now an empty space on my phone, I felt the relief I was hoping for. I’m the first to roll my eyes when people come off Instagram and smugly announce to the world how amazing it makes them feel. I’m pleased for them, whatever it takes to make you feel better but please don’t shun the rest of us mere mortals battling in the trenches. I never feel smug, I feel frustrated with the relief. I want to get to the bottom of why I feel it and how I can renegotiate my relationship with the little app that launched my business and where so many of my pocket friends live because I’m determined to harness the good I know exists. I will not be defeated by it.
When I reared my head for a sense check out of curiosity the other day, all became very clear. Thanks to a little space I could now see the wood for the trees. So what was it? It seems so obvious I feel silly for not noticing before, but I didn’t. I felt so happy to see the posts of those I follow again and read DMs I’d received from like-minded people I would have no way of connecting with in real life. This reminded me of all the good I knew existed.
What brought my anxiety and panic rushing back was my explore page and this is when I realised the algorithm had been intentionally harnessing my insecurities for attention. There were the flower drenched European villas I love to look at, the outfit inspiration I’d missed and then there they were….the relationship ‘coaches’. I felt sick. My page was peppered with self-help and relationship content. Reels and reels of it, carousel posts full of language designed to trigger. When you’re left on read, if he wanted to he would, this is what a healthy relationship looks like, when you’re delusional, you don’t miss them… STOP! Please just stop! You’re not helping me or educating me. You’re triggering me beyond function and I could really do without it thanks. You’re polluting my entire Instagram experience. I deleted the app again immediately.
Instagram would take no responsibility for my situation being a robot and all but the truth is it’s a clever little snake and knows no bounds. Our eyeballs are what’s for sale when it comes to Instagram and we have to be very careful because it doesn’t care what we’re looking at, as long as we’re looking. This is how lines get crossed and we fall into the dark side. Look at what makes you feel good and it will feed you more of that, look at what makes you feel bad and the same rules apply. Our humanity and our wellbeing isn’t taken into account. Until more is done to protect people from the anxiety, comparison trap and low mood we know social media is causing it’s up to us to set boundaries and choose how we use it, if at all.
It fascinates me that perhaps we all have a different but equally dark experience of Instagram at times. What do people like to look at the most? Things that trigger them! Not because it feels good, but because it presses a wound and feeds the storylines we’re looking to prove. What triggers us is very personal. You may see a post of someone at a concert and feel triggered because you’d love to be there too but your baby won’t sleep and you can’t leave her. The same woman at that concert might be looking at your posts of your baby and feeling triggered because she’s battling fertility issues. I recently heard Greg McKeown say, ‘if we focus on what we lack we lose what we have’. If this lack is constantly shoved in our face via an algorithm then our negative experiences are only amplified and consequently we’re missing all the good there is to enjoy.
So how to move forwards positively? Sure I could call it quits and walk away from Instagram all together (like I did TikTok); my business would survive on YouTube and Substack alone but I’m still determined to make a go of it, tame it and create a healthy relationship that benefits both of us. I’m not ready to throw in the towel just yet though I appreciate sometimes this is the best way forwards. For me, Instagram is where I like to slip away into an alternate reality for inspiration and escapism. I want to see beautiful calm interiors, outfit inspiration and landscapes that make me wish I could jump into the screen so I can immerse myself in them. I want to connect with those I feel a kinship with and who enjoy the work I put out into the world. I’m also one of those lost souls still bearing a torch of nostalgia for the good old days.
Self-help is not on my agenda, neither is the dating world. This content isn’t serving me so this is what has to go. When it comes to my mental health I want to be in my body not my head and that requires both some quiet and space. The feeling is the tell. We can take some space to ask ourselves do I feel better and more reflective? or do I just feel strung out and even more insecure? I do not want to be fixed or helped by the Instagram algorithm. I’ve invested a lot of hours and money on my own personal healing journey and these cowboys have no place in it. I have trusted sources I go to online, via books and in real life for those things as and when I want them.
We can take back control, lean into gratitude for what we do have and consume social media mindfully and realistically. The good news is Instagram isn’t as clever as it might seem. We can tell it what to do. When I re-download it I’ll be hitting the three dots in the top right corner of the posts that drive me nuts and tapping not interested instead of watching them. I’ll also be spending more time engaging with the people who matter on there - you! Slowly the algorithm will make changes to what it shows me, I’ll see less of the bad and I’ll be back in the world of positive visual inspiration only.
What’s your experience with Instagram? Does it press your buttons too? How do you deal with it?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
I’m the same as you. I want the good stuff but I can’t figure out a way to silence the ads & promotional stuff. I follow only a small number of people now (curated my feed) but that means Insta clogs it up with ads and posts from people I don’t follow! It’s so frustrating. I don’t know what to do with it. I’m torn!
I have followed you since before your divorce and have watched you come on leaps and bounds. You should be so proud. I am a year older than you and now remarried to a wonderful man. Things settled down but we have to learn to live with some anxieties x