I was so happy to hear that in the end, you chose to accept yourself, no box, no label. Everything you and your therapist described sounds like me and what my life has looked like so I thought it was just the norm for those of us who are sensitive, often introverted and feel different from others. If that means I’m autistic (it doesn’t) then I’m totally good with that. Also, I do believe those that are considered autistic have a different sense of the world and just because most of us don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true, meaningful and beautiful in its own way. I know autistic children, my son is on the spectrum (also has ADHD) and has worked with autistic children so I come from a place of appreciation. What makes you special belongs to you. I have a feeling you will figure out how to navigate that all on your own.
Jessica, one of the only thing that would change is a better and more clear understanding of yourself. This is absolutely a big deal, and effects every facet of life. I was officially diagnosed in 2013,however an earlier diagnosis would have benefited me greatly (despite being tested and misdiagnosed many times), although I don't think much would have really been different , aside from a revelation and personal revolution...Please also ignore all or the cliche symptoms and known traits that the public understands to be associated with Autism. When you ( others) meet an Autistic person they meet an autistic person. While there are similarities among our tribe, each are individual. Don't let others project what they believe is the case or typical,and females present very differently than males)-or do not want to accept as reality. Their reality is not yours. Accepting yourself and knowing your own truth are where you will find strength. I'm happy to share and talk more with you about this if you'd like, in any way you feel comfortable. Understand too that I am just feeling comfortable enough to "come out" as my authentic self in recent years. I've been using the word "neurodivergent" because nobody understands me when I use the word Autism. Anyone worth their salt will accept, support,and love us as we are, and be okay with that...blessings as always, Jessica.
So many thoughts. May I just say, this essay, and especially the last few words, leave me with the impression that you are no longer in need of a therapist.
Interestingly enough, I answered Yes to all of your therapists questions, too. 😄 I've grown so weary of our society's need for labels. I absolutely freaking love it when I encounter someone who doesn't fit neatly into a box. The notion that we, as a collective, are broken and need to be fixed infuriates me. I leave you with a favourite quote of mine.
"We've narrowed healthy behaviors so dramatically that our quirks and eccentricities - the normal emotional range of adolescence and adulthood - have become problems we fear and expect drugs to fix." Christopher Lane
I was diagnosed at the age of 29 and for me it was SO validating. I'd always felt like I was playing life on hard mode, the weird kid who kept accidentally offending people and the adult who couldn't seem to manage basic tasks other people did with ease.
Despite having every apparent advantage - a loving family, a degree from a good university, a supportive husband, and to all outward appearances a successful young adulthood - I was floundering. I did fine at work, but then I spent the weekend in a stupor recovering, feeling depressed and listless.
I convinced myself I was just lazy. If I tried harder, I wouldn't have such difficulty getting things done. If I was more likeable, it would be easier to make friends.
Getting a diagnosis confirmed for me that I *was*, in many aspects, playing on hard mode. It gave me validation that I'm not particularly lazy or unlikeable; my brain just works differently, and the world we live in isn't built to accommodate that.
It also helped me to find ways of coping or doing things that work for my brain, because I could seek out resources by and for autistic people (and also ADHDers, as I have difficulties with executive functioning that are more common in ADHD that autism). Knowing other people struggle with the same things I do is both validating and helpful in terms of exploring ways to deal with them.
So I think diagnosis can be helpful for giving a name to that feeling of, "I'm different, and everything feels too hard", and reassurance that there's a real, neurological reason for that. But not everyone feels that way, and that's just as valid an experience.
I’m sad that your therapist, who is not qualified to diagnose you, said anything, it was careless. If you had asked the question yourself, then you should have been referred. As someone with a diagnosed mental illness, I will say this from experience, if you are happy and handling life well, then sit with it for a while longer. Jess, I’ve seen how far you’ve come over the last few years. Your therapist planted a seed that you cannot forget and you may find that a diagnosis is something you seek so that you have an answer and can stop the questions in your head. Diagnosis for me was a relief because it brought medication that saved my life. This is such a huge topic it’s hard to unpack it all. You may seek an answer tomorrow, next year, in 10 years or never.
“I choose to accept myself, right now in this moment exactly as I am. No matter what”.
This. The path you are on is the right one because *you* chose it. That’s it. You have to do what feels right for you intuitively and you are doing just that.
Hugs to you Jess and know that you are a beautiful soul. Labels not required 🥰🥰
Yes I discovered my autistic and neurodivergence as an adult, mostly through friends sharing similar experiences. I so far have decided not to get an official diagnosis, it’s been a couple years of unlearning and learning and learning how to work with my brain and my needs
I was diagnosed autistic and ADHD at the age of 34 (I am 37 now). It was lifechanging. Not because I was officially diagnosed, but because it gave me answers to questions I did not know I had. I often tell people that I lack the language to express it properly. Learning I am AuDHD was, hands down, the best thing to happen to me in my entire life. In many ways, it did not make my life any easier, but it did mode the battle from inside of me (where I have spend a lifetime practicing being VERY hard on myself) to outside of me. Knowing what my sensory needs are, how my brain and system take in information - gosh, everything - it has helped me beyond words. I know without a doubt that I have prevented severe burnout because of it. It may still come, but I am doing my best to change my life before it happens.
I know how incredibly overwhelming it feels to find this out late in life. How fragile and private it can feel at the same time as can feel validating and beautiful. It has never felt easy to me. But it feels easier because I am so much less hard on myself.
I am learning to unmask. Honestly, I don't think I ever knew who I was in any sort of way before learning I am AuDHD. I masked so hard that I just lived on the periphery of myself, anchoring my identity to what people needed of me. I have been in so many friendships and relations where I was taken advantage of.
I never minded the label. Honestly I never did. I am also aroace and nonbinary. I don't mind those either. I have been gaslighted so much in my life. "All people struggle, Ann - just pull yourself together." "It's just because you haven't found the right one yet - stop being picky." To me, the labels is a metaphorical safe space to help me ancher myself. My struggles and my being different cannot be watered down and ignored in the same way. I have also found amazing friends and communities because of the labels. They can be used to empower too.
I am autistic and adhd. I am also Danish. I am also a teacher and an artist. I am aroace. I am a human. All of these describe who I am as a person. Not all of me, but still.
I like how kind you are to yourself in this proces. Take it at your own pace and learn from it. Listen to actually autistic voices. There is a lot of ableism out there, unfortunately.
I can very much recommend the podcast The Squarepeg Podcast. I was a guest on it a few seasons back, and only said yes because I thought it was so good. Amy talks to late diagnosed women and nonbinary people about them learning they are neurodivergent. The conversations are so varied and interesting and it felt a little bit like coming home finding that podcast.
You are always, always welcome to reach out if you ever need a chat. And I am rooting for you as always :)
My brother remains undiagnosed autistic. His 13 yo daughter has been yo-yo’d around the system for years and they’re unable to diagnose her - because she can tell they’re not really interested, they’re not listening to her and she starts masking. Thankfully she doesn’t have to mask in front of any of us and is her self. When a work colleague told me at work he felt he was autistic, I believed him. We had a very brother/sister relationship even though I was his manager (which I believe was because of my brother being autistic). He later received the official diagnosis because it was important to him. Separate condition entirely, but for 20 years I banged my head against the nhs wall informing them I had migraine disease. I was dismissed and fobbed off every time. Only once completely disabled by the illness did they listen. I was sent to a neurologist and confirmed, yes, you have migraine. When I asked what support was available to me “there is none” came his reply. What was the point of me being there then? I already knew it was migraine. It was a big wake up call to me to take back the reigns of creation for my own life, health and healing. From that moment on I learnt to let my body lead the way. No more ignoring what I knew to be true. I believe strongly that we don’t need the validation of another - we can learn to do this ourselves. If we choose to.
You’re a wonderful human. You’re kind and sensitive and you share your insights and your trauma healing which is a generous gift to many. You deeply connect to like minded people with your work.
Sometimes a label is needed for validation or to make allowances, support and adjustments in eg schools where there’s only time and space to support neuro typical people but you’ve created a life that suits your uniqueness so do you need this?
I have a lot of those same traits as you but I have always labeled myself as an empath (in the spiritual world) or Highly Sensitive Person in the every day world.
Ive been autistic all of my life, didn't bother with official diagnosis, it's just a label, it doesn't change anything and it costs a fortune to get it, rather spend the money on something that makes me happy!
In a world where you can be anything, be yourself!!!!!
I have also recently been told by a therapist that I show many signs of neurodivergence. My adult life has been one difficult job experience after another (I just quit my latest office job after multiple burnouts)... I have no female friendship group... I spend most of my time in seclusion... I have constant anxiety from high-sensitivity... the world just seems so cruel and crowded and overstimulating. And I can never get my head around other people... they seem to be playing this social game all the time? And their motives seem weird? Where's all the authenticity gone? The individuality? The beauty?
I get most confused about where neurodivergence meets high sensitivity (HSP) meets just being "different"? I have also chosen to put the label to one side for now whilst I try to figure it out... 🤔
My therapist of ten years has been saying I’m autistic for two years. But I wanted to get an official diagnosis, and have spent over five months and over 30 hours in interviews and testing to see what an official assessment will say. This is my personal preference; I think that it’s absolutely wonderful for people to self-diagnose if that’s what they want, but I don’t trust myself enough to do it myself, and so I’ve sought out an assessment that has taken so very much time and so very much energy. (I’ve written about this in my Substack in a post called My Autism Assessment, Age 40 and the Part 2 post to that post.)
Jessica, I’ve been following you for years and have always loved your slow living, thoughtful, beautiful style. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and will be having an autism assessment in a couple weeks. It explains so much. I am seeking the diagnosis because I need to know that it’s not C-PTSD or something else. Perimenopause kicked all this off. I thought I had life figured out but clearly I don’t, and have been “masking” this entire time. My next step is to build a life that serves me (I’ve been doing the corporate role and rebelling at return-to-office)
I was so happy to hear that in the end, you chose to accept yourself, no box, no label. Everything you and your therapist described sounds like me and what my life has looked like so I thought it was just the norm for those of us who are sensitive, often introverted and feel different from others. If that means I’m autistic (it doesn’t) then I’m totally good with that. Also, I do believe those that are considered autistic have a different sense of the world and just because most of us don’t understand it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t true, meaningful and beautiful in its own way. I know autistic children, my son is on the spectrum (also has ADHD) and has worked with autistic children so I come from a place of appreciation. What makes you special belongs to you. I have a feeling you will figure out how to navigate that all on your own.
Jessica, one of the only thing that would change is a better and more clear understanding of yourself. This is absolutely a big deal, and effects every facet of life. I was officially diagnosed in 2013,however an earlier diagnosis would have benefited me greatly (despite being tested and misdiagnosed many times), although I don't think much would have really been different , aside from a revelation and personal revolution...Please also ignore all or the cliche symptoms and known traits that the public understands to be associated with Autism. When you ( others) meet an Autistic person they meet an autistic person. While there are similarities among our tribe, each are individual. Don't let others project what they believe is the case or typical,and females present very differently than males)-or do not want to accept as reality. Their reality is not yours. Accepting yourself and knowing your own truth are where you will find strength. I'm happy to share and talk more with you about this if you'd like, in any way you feel comfortable. Understand too that I am just feeling comfortable enough to "come out" as my authentic self in recent years. I've been using the word "neurodivergent" because nobody understands me when I use the word Autism. Anyone worth their salt will accept, support,and love us as we are, and be okay with that...blessings as always, Jessica.
So many thoughts. May I just say, this essay, and especially the last few words, leave me with the impression that you are no longer in need of a therapist.
Interestingly enough, I answered Yes to all of your therapists questions, too. 😄 I've grown so weary of our society's need for labels. I absolutely freaking love it when I encounter someone who doesn't fit neatly into a box. The notion that we, as a collective, are broken and need to be fixed infuriates me. I leave you with a favourite quote of mine.
"We've narrowed healthy behaviors so dramatically that our quirks and eccentricities - the normal emotional range of adolescence and adulthood - have become problems we fear and expect drugs to fix." Christopher Lane
I was diagnosed at the age of 29 and for me it was SO validating. I'd always felt like I was playing life on hard mode, the weird kid who kept accidentally offending people and the adult who couldn't seem to manage basic tasks other people did with ease.
Despite having every apparent advantage - a loving family, a degree from a good university, a supportive husband, and to all outward appearances a successful young adulthood - I was floundering. I did fine at work, but then I spent the weekend in a stupor recovering, feeling depressed and listless.
I convinced myself I was just lazy. If I tried harder, I wouldn't have such difficulty getting things done. If I was more likeable, it would be easier to make friends.
Getting a diagnosis confirmed for me that I *was*, in many aspects, playing on hard mode. It gave me validation that I'm not particularly lazy or unlikeable; my brain just works differently, and the world we live in isn't built to accommodate that.
It also helped me to find ways of coping or doing things that work for my brain, because I could seek out resources by and for autistic people (and also ADHDers, as I have difficulties with executive functioning that are more common in ADHD that autism). Knowing other people struggle with the same things I do is both validating and helpful in terms of exploring ways to deal with them.
So I think diagnosis can be helpful for giving a name to that feeling of, "I'm different, and everything feels too hard", and reassurance that there's a real, neurological reason for that. But not everyone feels that way, and that's just as valid an experience.
I’m sad that your therapist, who is not qualified to diagnose you, said anything, it was careless. If you had asked the question yourself, then you should have been referred. As someone with a diagnosed mental illness, I will say this from experience, if you are happy and handling life well, then sit with it for a while longer. Jess, I’ve seen how far you’ve come over the last few years. Your therapist planted a seed that you cannot forget and you may find that a diagnosis is something you seek so that you have an answer and can stop the questions in your head. Diagnosis for me was a relief because it brought medication that saved my life. This is such a huge topic it’s hard to unpack it all. You may seek an answer tomorrow, next year, in 10 years or never.
“I choose to accept myself, right now in this moment exactly as I am. No matter what”.
This. The path you are on is the right one because *you* chose it. That’s it. You have to do what feels right for you intuitively and you are doing just that.
Hugs to you Jess and know that you are a beautiful soul. Labels not required 🥰🥰
Yes I discovered my autistic and neurodivergence as an adult, mostly through friends sharing similar experiences. I so far have decided not to get an official diagnosis, it’s been a couple years of unlearning and learning and learning how to work with my brain and my needs
I was diagnosed autistic and ADHD at the age of 34 (I am 37 now). It was lifechanging. Not because I was officially diagnosed, but because it gave me answers to questions I did not know I had. I often tell people that I lack the language to express it properly. Learning I am AuDHD was, hands down, the best thing to happen to me in my entire life. In many ways, it did not make my life any easier, but it did mode the battle from inside of me (where I have spend a lifetime practicing being VERY hard on myself) to outside of me. Knowing what my sensory needs are, how my brain and system take in information - gosh, everything - it has helped me beyond words. I know without a doubt that I have prevented severe burnout because of it. It may still come, but I am doing my best to change my life before it happens.
I know how incredibly overwhelming it feels to find this out late in life. How fragile and private it can feel at the same time as can feel validating and beautiful. It has never felt easy to me. But it feels easier because I am so much less hard on myself.
I am learning to unmask. Honestly, I don't think I ever knew who I was in any sort of way before learning I am AuDHD. I masked so hard that I just lived on the periphery of myself, anchoring my identity to what people needed of me. I have been in so many friendships and relations where I was taken advantage of.
I never minded the label. Honestly I never did. I am also aroace and nonbinary. I don't mind those either. I have been gaslighted so much in my life. "All people struggle, Ann - just pull yourself together." "It's just because you haven't found the right one yet - stop being picky." To me, the labels is a metaphorical safe space to help me ancher myself. My struggles and my being different cannot be watered down and ignored in the same way. I have also found amazing friends and communities because of the labels. They can be used to empower too.
I am autistic and adhd. I am also Danish. I am also a teacher and an artist. I am aroace. I am a human. All of these describe who I am as a person. Not all of me, but still.
I like how kind you are to yourself in this proces. Take it at your own pace and learn from it. Listen to actually autistic voices. There is a lot of ableism out there, unfortunately.
I can very much recommend the podcast The Squarepeg Podcast. I was a guest on it a few seasons back, and only said yes because I thought it was so good. Amy talks to late diagnosed women and nonbinary people about them learning they are neurodivergent. The conversations are so varied and interesting and it felt a little bit like coming home finding that podcast.
You are always, always welcome to reach out if you ever need a chat. And I am rooting for you as always :)
My brother remains undiagnosed autistic. His 13 yo daughter has been yo-yo’d around the system for years and they’re unable to diagnose her - because she can tell they’re not really interested, they’re not listening to her and she starts masking. Thankfully she doesn’t have to mask in front of any of us and is her self. When a work colleague told me at work he felt he was autistic, I believed him. We had a very brother/sister relationship even though I was his manager (which I believe was because of my brother being autistic). He later received the official diagnosis because it was important to him. Separate condition entirely, but for 20 years I banged my head against the nhs wall informing them I had migraine disease. I was dismissed and fobbed off every time. Only once completely disabled by the illness did they listen. I was sent to a neurologist and confirmed, yes, you have migraine. When I asked what support was available to me “there is none” came his reply. What was the point of me being there then? I already knew it was migraine. It was a big wake up call to me to take back the reigns of creation for my own life, health and healing. From that moment on I learnt to let my body lead the way. No more ignoring what I knew to be true. I believe strongly that we don’t need the validation of another - we can learn to do this ourselves. If we choose to.
You’re a wonderful human. You’re kind and sensitive and you share your insights and your trauma healing which is a generous gift to many. You deeply connect to like minded people with your work.
Sometimes a label is needed for validation or to make allowances, support and adjustments in eg schools where there’s only time and space to support neuro typical people but you’ve created a life that suits your uniqueness so do you need this?
Please don’t consider your ND as pathology.
Consider it as a gift 💝 and continue being you 😘
I have a lot of those same traits as you but I have always labeled myself as an empath (in the spiritual world) or Highly Sensitive Person in the every day world.
Very thoughtful post. Well done you 👏🏻
Ive been autistic all of my life, didn't bother with official diagnosis, it's just a label, it doesn't change anything and it costs a fortune to get it, rather spend the money on something that makes me happy!
In a world where you can be anything, be yourself!!!!!
🥰🥰🥰
Thank you for sharing your experience 😊
I have also recently been told by a therapist that I show many signs of neurodivergence. My adult life has been one difficult job experience after another (I just quit my latest office job after multiple burnouts)... I have no female friendship group... I spend most of my time in seclusion... I have constant anxiety from high-sensitivity... the world just seems so cruel and crowded and overstimulating. And I can never get my head around other people... they seem to be playing this social game all the time? And their motives seem weird? Where's all the authenticity gone? The individuality? The beauty?
I get most confused about where neurodivergence meets high sensitivity (HSP) meets just being "different"? I have also chosen to put the label to one side for now whilst I try to figure it out... 🤔
My therapist of ten years has been saying I’m autistic for two years. But I wanted to get an official diagnosis, and have spent over five months and over 30 hours in interviews and testing to see what an official assessment will say. This is my personal preference; I think that it’s absolutely wonderful for people to self-diagnose if that’s what they want, but I don’t trust myself enough to do it myself, and so I’ve sought out an assessment that has taken so very much time and so very much energy. (I’ve written about this in my Substack in a post called My Autism Assessment, Age 40 and the Part 2 post to that post.)
Jessica, I’ve been following you for years and have always loved your slow living, thoughtful, beautiful style. I was diagnosed 2 years ago with ADHD and will be having an autism assessment in a couple weeks. It explains so much. I am seeking the diagnosis because I need to know that it’s not C-PTSD or something else. Perimenopause kicked all this off. I thought I had life figured out but clearly I don’t, and have been “masking” this entire time. My next step is to build a life that serves me (I’ve been doing the corporate role and rebelling at return-to-office)