How to deal with the agony of heartbreak
Is the best way to get over someone really to get under someone?
Hello you!
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone…so the saying goes. But is it really? I don’t think so. I mean, the temptation is there for many of us but in reality this is simply the easiest way for us to run away from the agony of heartbreak - and heartbreak is agony. A physical pain like no other we all experience at some point in our lives. Other popular choices are to turn to drinking, drugs, nights out that blend into weekends, Instagrammable holidays with our friends or solo travels a la Cheryl Strayed and Liz Gilbert - all involve a kind of running away and all can feel equally as tempting for some temporary relief. As humans we’ll go to great lengths to avoid feeling any kind of pain even if it’s only momentary.
I’ve had requests to write about how to handle a breakup for months, but I haven’t felt able to offer anything significant until now. I’ve been in a phase of deep healing and it’s been messy, too messy and vulnerable to make sense of at times let alone share. My rule for sharing anything vulnerable online is to wait until I’m through the other side first. Only then does it feel safe to carve up for the internet. I have so much to say on the topic of heartbreak and how I’ve navigated this, but let me first say I am no expert. It’s been a very ugly process, but that’s also been on purpose.
What we’re feeling and experiencing what we’re heartbroken is grief, and we have all five stages to get through - denial (my personal favourite), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, not necessarily in that order. As we grieve what we’ve lost and what we hoped could have been we’ll take steps forward, sideways and backwards along the way. By throwing myself into this, I’ve never felt more fully human.
One of the reasons I was asked to share how I’ve navigated heartbreak was because I’ve seemingly dealt with it so gracefully. I can assure you it has not felt graceful, and I'm laughing as I type that because I know how things can appear online but me crying myself to sleep alone every night wasn't exactly vlog worthy or instagramable as I'm sure you'll understand. For so long I’ve felt like I’d lost so much - my home, my best friend and even my identity at times. I didn’t know where to turn or what to do next. This felt even more agonising because I was the one who left, so it felt all too easy to blame my being lost in the woods on myself, spiral into self-sabotage and loathing.
So how have I managed these uncertainties? How have I got myself out of the depths of the woods and into some sort of clearing where I can feel warm light on my face again? When I look back on how far I’ve come, it’s difficult to even make sense of how I’ve got to the place I’m in now; one of acceptance, love and hope. If you’ve read my book you’ll know I have this tendency to go into survival mode when life falls to pieces. I shut down emotionally and adopt a very robotic I’ll just have to get through this kind of attitude, which also results in me living in a false sense of reality. I operate from denial and logic instead of my emotions and I think this is why it's taking me so long to fully let go and actually heal, because just like with my cancer diagnosis this was my default position when my marriage broke down. This is my survival mode. But I know now it only gets me so far and a different approach is necessary.
What I've learned during my darkest hours and what I'd advise anyone else struggling with heartbreak or uncertainty to do is the thing that feels the most terrifying and unnatural to you - turn inwards and feel your emotions. It's excruciating I know but truly the only way is through. Shacking up with the next guy or girl that takes your fancy is definitely not the right thing to do and personally I consider this a missed opportunity. Why shine your spotlight on another when you have so little to give and you’re the one in need of healing? This is your moment to take the time you need to feel some big feelings and ask some big questions so you can come home to yourself, heal and then grow.
I know you know I love a quote and the best one I've found on heartbreak (there have been many!) is this one...
'How to get over someone: Give all the love and care you gave to them to yourself.’
This looks like prioritising your basic needs - sleep, food and exercise. It also looks like leaning into supportive friendships, giving yourself a break when you regress and being honest with yourself about the reasons it won’t work instead of focusing solely on the good times. Use this time to yes feel all the emotions you need to in order to process them but also learn to love yourself unconditionally, figure out not only who you are but who you want to be, what you need and what you want. Use what energy you have to wrap yourself in that fairytale love and care you so desperately want from another. It might only be a little energy at first but the more you water yourself the more you will grow. When we feel like we want rescuing, sooner or later it becomes apparent nobody is coming, at least not in the way we want them to. That’s because nobody has the capacity to rescue us like we can rescue ourselves.
When we’re heartbroken our attachment system will activate as a survival instinct and how this plays out is different for all of us. This is the ideal time to get curious, nurture some awareness around your attachment style, core wounds, fears and start therapy if it’s affordable. If not there are endless books, podcasts and YouTube channels out there that can help. Attached is a great book as is self-compassion by Kristen Neff and fierce intimacy is a great listen too! Taking a self-love approach to healing a broken heart will turn your spotlight away from what is pressing your pain and open up a whole new world for you. Working on yourself will stand you in much better stead for your next relationship, which will happen naturally when you're ready. Uncertainty is anxiety inducing but it also holds so many possibilities, which is liberating and exciting - even if we can’t see it at the time. Every great story starts with an enticing incident, and perhaps this is yours. Even when the world feels like it’s ended, there is still so much to come.
So while the temptation to run into the arms of another is strong, the best thing to do is to turn to the arms of ourselves. I decided to let myself break when my marriage ended, knowing this approach was completely alien to someone like me who is an expert at burrying her feelings and distracting herself from any kind of negative emotions. I did this so I could rebuild and hopefully come out stronger. By no means have I got through this perfectly, but I’ve learned a hell of a lot about myself on the way. I took this approach as a leap of faith, a leap towards myself. Almost two years since my separation I can promise you it works. Finally, parts of me feel like they’re waking up and I’m feeling alive again. When we suppress our pain it comes out sideways, through destructive behaviour, addiction or numbness. This pain has to be felt in order to come out, and feeling pain is part of life - there’s no pleasure without the pain but we also have more ability to soothe ourselves than we realise. Only once our pain has been processed can we move on and let go of that person, of what our life was with them, of who we were with them. Taking unprocessed pain into our next relationship will only result in projection and that’s unfair on both us and our new person.
I really hope this helps anyone suffering from heartbreak right now or it at least gives you some comfort to know you're not alone in these feelings and there is most definitely hope on the horizon for you. The good news is everything passes, this pain included.
Go slow with this work and go at your own pace but trust that you're a good person, worthy of love and there are good things coming to you - because there are. I know it.
How do you deal with heartbreak? If you’ve got any tips or stories please share them in the comments below.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
What’s been adding value this week
- I feel like I’ve consumed very little this week other than my friends so this is my nudge to lean into those safe, nurturing relationships in your life. Opening up to my friends has been essential during this time to gain perspective, support and we’ve grown so much closer as a result.
Love this Gaelle ❤️ so true that there’s an abundance of peace that comes from accepting what we can’t control...which is pretty much everything 😆 So pleased to hear you’re doing well xx
What a lovely quote. After my husband passed away (fairly suddenly), I found all I could do was put one foot in front of the other and and do what needed done right in front of me at that present moment. And had to live in that mindset for a long time. I would have found that quote so helpful and know others will also no matter the manner of loss. I pray for all experiencing loss and hope you find better days ahead.