Hello you!
It’s always been easy for me to make friends and I’ve taken this for granted most of my life. It’s not a magic gift I’ve got or that I’m someone everyone naturally gravitates towards, it’s because from a very young age I learnt how to please people, to quickly figure out what they wanted from me and how to get them to like me. So what I really mean is I’ve always found it easy to form surface level relationships. I never appreciated what a privilege this was until I started talking publicly about connection. I’ve heard endless stories of how people struggle to make friends, have very few and feel isolated as a result. Sitting on the outside longing to be let in.
As I’ve grown up I’ve realised that while I’ve always found it easy to make new friends, and being open to new connections this year has reminded me of this, I haven’t always been a good friend. Relationships are not inherently good, deep and meaningful. No, we have to build those kinds of connections and it takes a lot of work. It takes time, effort, conflict and growth. But I have, for a few years now, been devoted to trying to be a better person and being a better friend is included in this endeavour.
Since moving to Paris my friendships have become long distance, though many were before already. When I said goodbye to my oldest friend Liam I almost didn’t come to Paris.
‘So I guess I’ll see you in Ibiza’ he said. My heart fell out of my chest. A deep dark sense of reality set in and for the first time in the process, I seriously questioned my move. I didn’t want to not see him until Ibiza. I didn’t see him enough now. Fast forward a few months and I’m making new friends as well as maintaining long distance friendships. They are the bedrock of my life and I don’t know what I’d do without them. The connections I have with my friends have undoubtedly deepened and I wanted to share both how and why I think this is. Studies have shown friendships are more important to us than romantic relationships because they add more to our lives in so many ways. Logically then, they’re worth the same amount of effort if not more.
Here’s what I’ve found helps throughout my trials and tribulations for anyone else who wants to be a better friend:
Embrace conflict - are you scared yet? Exactly! Avoiding conflict is the fastest route to suppression of emotions, resentment and eventually distance. The strongest relationships are those which can handle conflict, not the dysfunctional kind you perhaps grew up with that makes you terrified of it in the first place, the healthy kind where we voice our opinions, our feelings from a place of vulnerability, compassion and self-security. Conflict doesn’t have to mean a blazing row or one of us not speaking to the other ever again, it can mean being honest in the spirit of wanting to both feel seen and see the other person so you can move forwards stronger together, telling the other person what it’s like for us and listening to what it’s like for them to before finding common ground and a way forwards. I hear this is how the securely attached people do it anyway.
Know where each friend sits in your ripples - Robin Dunbar writes that we can only manage 150 friends (a number which shocked me when I first read it but this does include acquaintances too - basically anyone we would do a favour for and in turn would do a favour for us). We cannot however give all these people equal time and attention and nor should we. This is where the ripple system comes in. Our intimate circle contains up to 5 people (including family and our partner), our best friends ripple contains around 15, our good friends ripple contains 50 and our close friends ripple is up to 100. Knowing where each person sits in this model either mentally or via a list is crucial when it comes to allocating your time and energy. Don’t give it all away to those who sit on the outside when the ones closest to you aren’t being fed.
Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice? This is my favourite question to ask. I’m working hard to become a good listener because I don’t think I’m naturally good at it. I feel honoured when my friends want to tell me about what’s going on in their lives. Historically however I’ve always been ‘the fixer’, because this was the role I was given in childhood. I was dubbed know it all Nelly Olsen (from little house on the prairie) and treated like google, expected to have all the answers. I still am by my mum. I’ve carried this role into my friendships until recently. Through therapy, I’ve come to realise that we don’t always want someone’s opinion or judgement or even help. Sometimes we just want someone to listen whilst we vent or sit with us in our pain. I’m happy to be either. So when these situations come up I ask my friends, ‘do you want me to listen or do you want my advice?’ The choice can be a gift.
Do not judge their relationships - This follows on from stepping back a little in terms of the advice giving and the helping. After being in a very toxic and abusive relationship (these don’t have to be romantic) I know how being shamed, judged or pressured into leaving only makes things worse. I’ve since come to decide that it’s none of my business who my friends choose to be in a relationship with. My job is to be there to support them no matter what and always take their side. I never want to be the friend they feel they can’t talk to because I’ll judge them and tell them what to do and even though they know what they should do, they don’t feel able to do it.
Check in - This is something I’ve personally had to work very hard at. One of my core hard wired beliefs is that nobody wants to hear from me or spend time with me and that I’m a burden (cheery I know!). This plays out as chronic fear of ‘bothering’ people and rejection if I feel proven right. What I’ve come to realise is this comes off as cold and aloof, not how I want to be perceived at all and not the case. I want my friends to know I care about them and regular check-ins affirms this. It says I’m thinking of you, I miss you, you matter, I’m here. There’s no pressure to respond and I don’t this numerous times a day or anything but depending on where that person sits in my ripples, I’ll make sure I put all my own stuff to one side and let them know they matter.
Respect their current life situation - When we’re at school we’re all at a similar level in terms of life events, then someone gets a boyfriend. In adulthood marriage, babies and death of family members become regular occurrences but we’re not all on the same path and it can feel hard to navigate. It’s always easier to be friends with someone in a similar situation to you because we have so much in common. This is why new mums tend to bond and single girls have so much to talk about. I’ve lost friends to the baby clan before and it was heartbreaking but now I’m more grown up and self-aware I can see I was also to blame. Now, I make an effort to put my stuff aside and be there for my friends who are going through these big things. I don’t think I matter less or they matter more, but I understand that these things mean our friendship will change, sometimes for a while, sometimes forever and if it’s going to survive then it needs plenty of rain.
Be interested in their experience - We live in such an individualistic culture right now it’s easy to focus purely on number one (ourselves), which is naturally where our psychology takes us anyway. When was the last time you were genuinely interested in another person’s world, what it feels like for them, their point of view? To know someone’s inner world is a privilege and will in turn benefit you too. A good friend truly cares about what it’s like to be us and Brene Brown is now claiming true vulnerability is believing another person’s experience.
Know their love languages - Love languages are true in friendship as they are in romantic love. Let’s not forget love is a verb, we do it. Knowing someone’s love language (find out yours here if you don’t know them already) means you can love them better. You can love them in the way they appreciate and feel the most loved. I recently asked all my closest friends to take the quiz so I could know how to love them better. Now I can send chore vouchers for Christmas, write little notes or make more time for them because I know what matters most to them.
Be committed to being of service to them - Friendship is a privilege, not because you always have someone to call when you’re having a crappy day but because you’re allowed into someone else’s world and given the opportunity to connect with them. This is a gift. To experience life together, through one another’s eyes. Of course our energy shouldn’t be wasted on dysfunctional relationships but when you do find a good friend, the type Alain De Botton talks of when he says, ‘we pick our friends not only because they are kind and enjoyable company, but also, perhaps more importantly, because they understand us for who we think we are,’ I think we should shower these people with all the love we can and romance them as we would a lover.
Have you got anything to add? How do you think we can be a better friend?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
This resonates so much. I've never found making friends easy, and I certainly wouldn't have 150 people to put in any layer of a circle! But I am working on trying to be a better friend, and work out why so many of my friendships have disappeared over the years. My partner is an amazing people person and I think I have leaned on him a lot in the past and allowed him to do 'our socialising', while I stand back in the shadows. I have printed this off to put in my journal and remind myself of all the ways I can contribute to a friendship, so thank you 🙏
I completely loved this 🫶🏼 to find my friends love languages is such a good idea. And the ripples also had me reflect on the number of people in my life I have a bad conscience about. Not being a better friend. Thank you for your writing!