How my love life has changed since I deleted dating apps

Fast love is out. Fewer, slower more meaningful connections are in

Hello you!

I’ve met everyone I was supposed to meet on dating apps. Call it intuition. Call it fatigue but this is a hardwired belief I cannot shake.

They were deleted from my phone almost a year ago now, minus a brief comeback to distract myself from a broken heart, which I knew was a terrible idea but I did it anyway. It was very quickly proven to be a terrible idea though I picked up a few new friends during this period who I’m incredibly grateful for.

The rise of dating apps skipped me, and kind of like I’m glad I grew up without social media in my face I’m glad I learned how to love outside of app culture. I met my ex-husband at work. By no means was it an easy start. In fact the first year of our relationship was the most traumatic for both of us but once we’d got the plane off the ground and decided to commit to one another things got a lot easier.

Would I have married him had dating app culture been a thing? Probably not. The minute things got tough, which given he was married when we first met and I was still a teenager they got tough pretty quickly, I would have had hundreds if not thousands of alternatives just waiting in the wings - or so I thought.

The mathematical approach to dating I heard on Steven Bartlett’s podcast has always stuck with me. Once you’ve sampled 37% of the menu that’s enough. You can set the bar from here and the next best connection you find is what you should settle for. I’ve been on a lot more than 37 first dates. My bar is set. The menu has been sampled.

As a hopeless romantic reducing love to a mathematical formula doesn’t sit well with me but in a world where dopamine hits are constantly pulling our strings and we’re flooded with an overwhelming illusion of choice I think a little logic can demystify the dynamics that are keeping so many of us trapped in a state of emotional distance where relationships are struggling and we are navigating a loneliness epidemic.

Here’s what shifted for me over the last year of being dating app free…

Limitations are refreshing - the endless list of profiles is truly something to behold for a newly single girl fresh off the plane in Paris but it doesn’t take long before you realise there isn’t as much available as you’re being led to believe. The paradox of choice is a very real problem for the human brain where we don’t deal well with too many options. Having fewer options makes choosing a much easier and less confusing experience for us. This is why we prefer the simple menu over the categorised booklet. When there’s too much choice we feel overwhelmed. I enjoy how much more real having fewer choices feels and how human I feel as a result. It’s grounding and free from illusion.

I’m a lot calmer and happier without them - they weren’t all bad. I’m not saying that. I met some great people, but they were also a very easy way to distract and numb myself from negative emotions I was suppressing. There was no need to sit with loneliness when I could meet someone new even if we only had one date or heal my abandonment would when I could easily find someone who made me feel wanted, even if this was short lived. This distraction behaviour began to have the opposite effect I was striving for and actually led to a lot of anxiety. I’ve noticed dramatic shifts in my inner peace since their deletion because I’ve got to find happiness in the present moment.

My connections with those I met on there have deepened - I still need to write about befriending exes but in short I’ve found that with the right boundaries, yes you can absolutely be friends with an ex and it can be a very healthy thing. Ploughing through a hundred potential Romeos dubbing them toxic for their very human flaws and then moving onto the next will exhaust you and warp your expectations of love. People aren’t that different, we’ve all got wounds to carry and once you’ve made a connection it’s fulfilling to nurture it. With time and space these connections can breathe and grow naturally as human connections are supposed to.

I’m more realistic about love - I know that the personal growth relationships bring to our lives, perhaps the most beautiful thing about them, unfolds in the trenches. You cannot quit them and simply move on to the next fresh fling, without running into yourself once more. We are all mirrors and relationships are how we evolve so of course you can only expect the next love affair to also raise the same issues the last one did. Love is a verb. It requires work. I reached the point of unbearable frustration when I finally deleted the apps. This isn’t it I told myself. I remember how real love feels. I’ve known it. I know it exists but this isn’t it. App culture doesn’t create a safe environment for love to exist because it’s not a secure environment. It’s one of external validation, ego stroking, dopamine hits and fast fantasy fairytales.

I meet people in real life now - this happened as a combination of my experimentation of divine feminine energy and quitting dating apps. The more I embraced feminine energy of openness, receivership and confidence the more I began getting approached by guys in the street. At first it scared me. I realised the reason I used to make myself small in the street to men (head down hunched shoulders sort of thing) was because I was afraid. My body was carrying left over past sexual trauma where it equated male attention with danger but once this was healed I opened up both physically and energetically. In time and with practice I realised it can be safe to be approached by a guy. Perhaps we just have a conversation, it doesn’t mean anything is going to happen or I owe him anything and I’m in complete control of my boundaries at all times. If he asks me out for dinner and I want to go I say yes, and if I don’t I say thank you and it was really nice to meet you but I don’t feel like I want to date right now. No ghosting, just good old fashioned respectful human interaction - the kind successful long term relationships are built on.

There are no distractions - I can no longer swipe to forget, fantasise or go on a date to boost my ego. I have to be alone with myself and that’s been the best much needed self-love medicine I could have asked for. This is how I’m learning to nourish and nurture my internal world which is directly impacting my external world. There’s no drama, no dopamine hits or endless stories to go out for. I’m face to face with my life in the mirror and this is how things had to be in order for me to heal the parts of myself I once felt so desperate to run away from and improve my approach to new love.

My self-confidence has improved - Because I’m not looking to my like count to validate my self-worth I’ve had to improve my confidence in relationships starting with the relationship I have with myself and then in my every day interactions. Living and loving from behind a screen kept me stuck in a place of hiding. To build confidence we have to go where we have none and kicking away the dating app crutch has nudged me to do exactly that. I feel more certain about who I am now, my ability to love and what I’m looking for. Forming healthy connections only gets easier when you learn the skills required in real life and time, even if that means making a few cringe mistakes along the way. Failing is how we get better.

I’m embracing slow love - I have fewer dates and romantic encounters now - of course I do. My days of two dates one night are well and truly behind me. Thank goodness. Again, it made for a good story but did neither my nor their wellbeing any good. Relationships are unfolding naturally now in an authentic way and I’m not wondering if or expecting my next first date to be my last. To be more present with the people in my life has rekindled the sacredness of love and brought it back to the forefront of my mind. Did I need to delete apps to do this? Arguably no. I don’t actually think dating apps are a problem, I think they’re a great way to expand our parameters and meet people. The problem with dating apps, in my opinion, is us and how we use them.

I’m not dating from a place of lack - This goes for both myself and potential lovers. There used to be a sense of panic and paranoia to my dating experience. A sort of but if I’m not on the apps how will I ever meet anyone? Attitude. This was quickly followed by I wonder how many other girls he’s talking to and how they compare to me. Hello negative self-belief that needs rewiring. Leaving the sea of profiles, likes and matches behind has massaged my nervous system into not only believing but knowing that for me, true beautiful human love can and does exist outside of the digital world. Here is where we can breathe, touch and taste it in all its glory because we’re forced to be more present with it, and that’s a very good thing for everyone.

My dating app phase was a great time to be alive, a great way to reintroduce myself to men of my generation and one I’ll write stories about for decades I’m sure but it is over. I wouldn’t change my experience or the people I got to meet because of them for anything in the world but a year later there’s still no going back.

I’m curious about your dating experiences. Does any of this resonate? Let me know.

I wrote this post after feeling inspired by Teal Swan’s video on the effects of dating apps on our culture. If this is a topic that resonates with you I think you’ll enjoy it.

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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