The dating apps have helped me meet new people outside my immediate close knit, remote, tiny community. I don’t want to date too close to home.
My husband passed in 2016 after 25 years together and in 2018 I was ready to meet someone new.
I didn’t know what I needed or wanted then but it was nice to meet new people to work this out.
I also didn’t know about red flags so I healed a lot of trauma and my own red flags as a few relationships were lovely but not a good long term match.
I now know myself, my red flags and red flags in others.
I follow the Burned Haystack Dating method run by Jennie Young, a professor of rhetoric and linguistic studies. Her approach is further widening my awareness.
Inevitably dates have dried up but I’d rather save my energy and time for myself and wait for my person. I’m absolutely confident that my next best person is out there and I’m fully open to new love. However I’m realistic that that one person maybe myself. Which is ok too ❤️
I met my husband at a party before dating apps were a thing so can’t bring any personal experience. But one of my best friends was living in London and had been single for a few years. She was always being asked why doesn’t she go on the apps, but she just knew that wasn’t her love story. She worked for British Showjumping (and absolutely loves horses) and was sent to interview the army officer in charge of their team. Needless to say they are now married with two children, surrounded by dogs and horses. Her love story 💜
I met my first wife in 1972 on Valentine's night at a local night spot, there was a disco twice a week and live music on Saturdays. Back then we didn't have computers or the internet and I honestly believe in so many ways we were the better for it.
I'm sure you're right dating apps may be fun for a while but chance encounters on a Parisian street... that has to be the most exciting way to meet new people. If only I was younger...😎
I find the dating apps dialogue so fascinating. I never, ever expected to have a good experience with them, but after I got out of a long-term relationship, I downloaded tinder.
My first date was an intentional one-night stand with a Brit who was visiting New York City, where I lived. It was one of the best nights of my life.
My second date was on Hinge with the man I’ve dated for over a year now, and who is going to be my husband. 😳 I’m so grateful for Hinge because we never would have crossed paths otherwise, but it’s bizarre that we got so lucky. I think my experience is a little out-of-the-ordinary! I still think it’s beautiful to trust in old-fashioned encounters, and you live in Paris, the best place for them…💌
awh I LOVE this for you! And this is exactly what I mean about apps not being the problem but the culture they breed and how we use them. Congratulations love! Slow and selective sounds like a healthy approach. Did you still live in NYC when you met your husband to be? I hear it's ruthless for dating, like business negotiations haha so I'm curious to hear your experience...
Dating apps did not exist back in the 70's when I was looking for love. You met people through family, friends, work and shared interests. Being in my late 60's and widowed in 2022 after 38 yesrs of marriage begs the question, "Do I want another relationship?" On the one hand, I miss the companionship and connection of a relationship. On the other hand, being alone is comfortable and freeing. I'm retired now and I get together with family and friends but that organic way of meeting people is more limited now. I briefly thought about using a dating app but held back because I can't honestly say I want a love relationship and it doesn't feel honest to act like I'm looking for one. I would be open to meeting someone but I'm also okay if I don't.
I met my husband through his sister. We had a great first meeting but didn't see each other for another year or so when we were re-acquainted at his sister's wedding. We dated for 3 years before getting married. I definitely feel that we were meant to be together so perhaps fated in a way. Our relationship wasn't perfect and I honestly don't see him as the love of my life in the romantic sense but we were definitely on the same page with respect to all of the important things that make for a successful relationship. I do feel it will be difficult to find someone new with those qualities.
I did online dating before apps existed - I did Match.com & the like. I can’t imagine how overwhelming the app versions must be! But I still resonate with the panic you write about. The next date must be the one. And then the disappointment when investing time chatting online when he’s not what I built up in my head. I met my husband during my online dating time but in the pub near my house! He insists we never even went on a date, although I beg to differ on that 😂 Great piece of writing, Jess. x
What a great post. So my husband and I met on eharmony back in 2010. We both tried online dating bc we had trustworthy friends who had met their spouses thru online dating. I had ended an engagement a year bf and my patience was thin with the whole dating process. I was at that place of I'm not desperate so I won't settle. My husband was in a I'm not desperate, but let's see what's out there. He went on 25 dates, and I went on 2. He was my second date 😆 We both had very different experiences, but we only used the service to connect to ppl and then see if they were the person to spend our life with. We also both had a time limit of using the service bc we knew what our goal was. Dating apps are great especially post university or school to meet ppl but oh boy they can be abused. I think your article did a great job in pointing out the pitfalls and benefits. Loved it 🙂
I am happily married but I know a lot of people that are on dating apps and I can’t seem ton grasp that culture. However, I love this piece and your writing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
It‘s always interesting to hear about your dating experiences, Jessica! So many of my friends are in a long-term relationships while I’m single and so it‘s refreshing to hear how other people experience modern dating. I‘ve taken a break from dating for the past few months while moving city and starting a new job, but I think I‘m ready to enter the field again - as you‘ve said, I think the most important thing is to have a considered and intentional approach where we remind ourselves of the humanity of other people and allow things to unfold naturally while also standing up for what we want and need.
Your journey with dating apps sounds very similar to mine! I resonate with what you’ve said so much. A year after giving up the apps (and focusing properly on healing and learning what was for me and what was absolutely not), I met my husband at a mutual friend’s party. It’s my favourite part of our story ❤️
The dating apps have helped me meet new people outside my immediate close knit, remote, tiny community. I don’t want to date too close to home.
My husband passed in 2016 after 25 years together and in 2018 I was ready to meet someone new.
I didn’t know what I needed or wanted then but it was nice to meet new people to work this out.
I also didn’t know about red flags so I healed a lot of trauma and my own red flags as a few relationships were lovely but not a good long term match.
I now know myself, my red flags and red flags in others.
I follow the Burned Haystack Dating method run by Jennie Young, a professor of rhetoric and linguistic studies. Her approach is further widening my awareness.
Inevitably dates have dried up but I’d rather save my energy and time for myself and wait for my person. I’m absolutely confident that my next best person is out there and I’m fully open to new love. However I’m realistic that that one person maybe myself. Which is ok too ❤️
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband 💔 I’ll take a look at this method. It sounds super interesting. Thank you for sharing
YES to this. It is fine if we are our person!❤️
I met my husband at a party before dating apps were a thing so can’t bring any personal experience. But one of my best friends was living in London and had been single for a few years. She was always being asked why doesn’t she go on the apps, but she just knew that wasn’t her love story. She worked for British Showjumping (and absolutely loves horses) and was sent to interview the army officer in charge of their team. Needless to say they are now married with two children, surrounded by dogs and horses. Her love story 💜
Awhhhhhhhh ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ thank you for sharing this!
I love this. Knowing app culture is not part of your story. What will be, will be.😊❤️
I love your honesty and you write beautifully.
I met my first wife in 1972 on Valentine's night at a local night spot, there was a disco twice a week and live music on Saturdays. Back then we didn't have computers or the internet and I honestly believe in so many ways we were the better for it.
I'm sure you're right dating apps may be fun for a while but chance encounters on a Parisian street... that has to be the most exciting way to meet new people. If only I was younger...😎
*I will note, these dates were not right after another! I was very slow and selective…but it was still a bit bizarre.
I find the dating apps dialogue so fascinating. I never, ever expected to have a good experience with them, but after I got out of a long-term relationship, I downloaded tinder.
My first date was an intentional one-night stand with a Brit who was visiting New York City, where I lived. It was one of the best nights of my life.
My second date was on Hinge with the man I’ve dated for over a year now, and who is going to be my husband. 😳 I’m so grateful for Hinge because we never would have crossed paths otherwise, but it’s bizarre that we got so lucky. I think my experience is a little out-of-the-ordinary! I still think it’s beautiful to trust in old-fashioned encounters, and you live in Paris, the best place for them…💌
awh I LOVE this for you! And this is exactly what I mean about apps not being the problem but the culture they breed and how we use them. Congratulations love! Slow and selective sounds like a healthy approach. Did you still live in NYC when you met your husband to be? I hear it's ruthless for dating, like business negotiations haha so I'm curious to hear your experience...
Dating apps did not exist back in the 70's when I was looking for love. You met people through family, friends, work and shared interests. Being in my late 60's and widowed in 2022 after 38 yesrs of marriage begs the question, "Do I want another relationship?" On the one hand, I miss the companionship and connection of a relationship. On the other hand, being alone is comfortable and freeing. I'm retired now and I get together with family and friends but that organic way of meeting people is more limited now. I briefly thought about using a dating app but held back because I can't honestly say I want a love relationship and it doesn't feel honest to act like I'm looking for one. I would be open to meeting someone but I'm also okay if I don't.
this is EXACTLY where my mum is right now Pat. I'm wondering what your thoughts and beliefs around timing and fated love are???
I met my husband through his sister. We had a great first meeting but didn't see each other for another year or so when we were re-acquainted at his sister's wedding. We dated for 3 years before getting married. I definitely feel that we were meant to be together so perhaps fated in a way. Our relationship wasn't perfect and I honestly don't see him as the love of my life in the romantic sense but we were definitely on the same page with respect to all of the important things that make for a successful relationship. I do feel it will be difficult to find someone new with those qualities.
I did online dating before apps existed - I did Match.com & the like. I can’t imagine how overwhelming the app versions must be! But I still resonate with the panic you write about. The next date must be the one. And then the disappointment when investing time chatting online when he’s not what I built up in my head. I met my husband during my online dating time but in the pub near my house! He insists we never even went on a date, although I beg to differ on that 😂 Great piece of writing, Jess. x
Would love to learn more from you about gaining confidence, releasing trauma, embracing openness and meeting men in real life.
What a great post. So my husband and I met on eharmony back in 2010. We both tried online dating bc we had trustworthy friends who had met their spouses thru online dating. I had ended an engagement a year bf and my patience was thin with the whole dating process. I was at that place of I'm not desperate so I won't settle. My husband was in a I'm not desperate, but let's see what's out there. He went on 25 dates, and I went on 2. He was my second date 😆 We both had very different experiences, but we only used the service to connect to ppl and then see if they were the person to spend our life with. We also both had a time limit of using the service bc we knew what our goal was. Dating apps are great especially post university or school to meet ppl but oh boy they can be abused. I think your article did a great job in pointing out the pitfalls and benefits. Loved it 🙂
I am happily married but I know a lot of people that are on dating apps and I can’t seem ton grasp that culture. However, I love this piece and your writing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
It‘s always interesting to hear about your dating experiences, Jessica! So many of my friends are in a long-term relationships while I’m single and so it‘s refreshing to hear how other people experience modern dating. I‘ve taken a break from dating for the past few months while moving city and starting a new job, but I think I‘m ready to enter the field again - as you‘ve said, I think the most important thing is to have a considered and intentional approach where we remind ourselves of the humanity of other people and allow things to unfold naturally while also standing up for what we want and need.
Your journey with dating apps sounds very similar to mine! I resonate with what you’ve said so much. A year after giving up the apps (and focusing properly on healing and learning what was for me and what was absolutely not), I met my husband at a mutual friend’s party. It’s my favourite part of our story ❤️