Hello you!
Birthdays are intense, right? Last week I had my 35th. I’ve tried to do away with all the comradely of events like birthdays over the years, but one desire comes up again and again whenever the 23rd of January looms. I want to feel celebrated. I’ve both leant into this desire and run away from it but it doesn’t make a difference. I can’t escape it. Simmering away in the background as I do away with the traditional cards, balloons and presents or gushing out out me as I ask for a fuss to be made this time around - it’s always there. Can you relate?
We all want to feel special and birthdays have a way of sliding a magnifying glass over this oh so human longing. We remember the birthdays of the past both good and bad and we want to replicate them, top them or drown them out with how we wish we’d been made to feel instead. I think this desire is normal and I think it’s okay to want to feel celebrated. I don’t think this is the issue.
It’s not about the stuff either. It’s not about the presents, the cards or the cake. These are mere vessels. For me, it’s about the feeling. It’s wanting to feel cared about, special, seen; and this feeling can be created in so many different ways. Arguably, here lies the fun and scope for creativity.
This year I figured out where I’ve gone wrong in the past. Why some birthdays fell flat or never measured up to what I expected. I spent my 30th birthday in Paris for example, and it was one of the most miserable birthdays I can remember. He was tired from all the travelling, my family sent texts instead of calling and even though I was in my favourite city in the world, nothing felt right for me. My focus was entirely on myself and the weight of my expectations rested solely on others. That was the last birthday my granddad was alive for and I still have so much guilt about how cross with him I felt for not calling me or making the effort I expected. I’d give anything for a text from him right now.
As I’ve grown up I’ve failed to realise that I now have the capacity to celebrate myself. I feel as though I’ve finally cracked the code. Accept the longing yes, but reduce expectations from others as these being met are completely out of our control, and lean into celebrating ourselves. This is going to be my mantra for the next 35. When we lower our expectations it’s so much easier to lean into gratitude for what do have instead of focusing on what we don’t. The more we fill up our own cup the sweeter the gestures we do receive taste as a top up.
Perhaps it’s not the expectations that’s the problem. Perhaps it’s who we place these expectations on that matters more and this person should always be us, with love and compassion. In shifting the expectations onto myself I’ve realised I’m not very good at celebrating myself and it’s therefore incredibly unfair to expect others to do for me what I’m struggling to do for myself. It’s actually a recipe for disaster. Celebrating myself is something I can work on and something I intend to get much better at from now on. Anything else from others can be a lovely bonus.
What about you? How good are you at celebrating yourself?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
What’s been adding value this week…
This video on what true love is
Reading Mary Oliver’s Blue Horses is my new pre writing ritual and I can’t get enough
Barton Croft are back in business. If handmade ceramics are your thing and you see something you fancy you can use the code JESSICA for free delivery
I rewatched Normal People and loved it just as much the second time around
Happy belated birthday! I love this idea of celebrating ourselves. Something I love is fresh flowers. I often send them to others to say thankyou, happy birthday or get well soon, or just to let someone know I'm thinking of them. But no-one ever sends me flowers. So I've decided I'm going to order myself some and celebrate myself for a change. Thankyou for the prompt xx
This is very honest and reflective, Jessica and a lot of it resonates. As a single mum, I definitely know the value of self-celebrating, doubly important so I don’t place the weight of my expectations (and potentially disappointment) on my young daughter’s shoulders. I treat me well! 😂🙌🏻 And Blue Horses is absolutely beautiful 💙