The first one, in my opinion, is a tell-tell sign that something is off in the friendship. I'm so glad I have the most encouraging friends around me (one even bought me a t-shirt with the sentence «Ce livre ne s'écrira pas tout seul» (This book will not write itself) when I signed my first book deal) and I establish a weekly celebrations chat via messenger (my friends are almost all long-distance) to cheer together and be proud of ourselves <3
I had to take a deep breath before listening to this one. I just knew it was going to hit hard, and I was right. I recognize all of them in former friendships.
I have masked so deeply up until 3-4 years ago. I never really understood what friendsships are. It might sound weird to some people, but as an autistic person, it just never... made sense to me. I like the idea of friendsships, and I like analyzing and trying to understanding relationships, but I never understood what friendships actually are. Because of this, I have masked so heavily that I have kind of become what the other person needed me to be, because that was what I felt like I knew: friends rely on each other and help each other, so I am just going to help this person and make sure they know that they can rely on me. Cut to me having very unhealthy and one-sided friendsships that made me deeply unhappy.
It felt off-centering to a degree that felt like it broke me. I am relearning being a friend and finding and setting boundaries in those friendsships.
I have to red flags that I pay particular attention to these days. The first one is if the friend doesn't ask about me, or if they do ask, do they shift topics after my reply without any sort of interest in what I told them. I am done with one-sided friendships. I am allowed to take up space, and I refuse to be the sponge that soaks up a friend's issues and helps and supports in that unhealthy one-sided way. I have a few good friendships in which we ask each other if the other person has mental space for listening, giving advice etc. on something before we just unload. That is the best thing to have happened in my friendships in a very long time!
My second red flag is if the person is annoyed with my autistic+adhd traits. I can tell now, and I am not having it anymore. If I can't unmask in front of a person, then this person is not going to be a friend. I am ok with friends making mistakes, wanting to learn and being curious, but I am no longer taking on the workload of educating a friend and advocating for myself in friendsships.
- Yet another long comment from me... It is such an interesting and difficult subject. I am very grateful for your thoughts and for making space for us to share.
I can relate to all 5 points, particularly number 1 ‘ They don’t clap when you win’. I’ve seen so-called friends become instantly angry and upset over me having completing qualifications, buying a new home, new car etc. It’s so disappointing when you were looking forward to celebrating with them and yet it’s the complete opposite. On the plus side I have become more skilled over the years of knowing when to end relationships, although the action of actually ending it is still difficult at times
I’m in a very lonely place as currently dedicating my time and energy to my healing and shifting to people who do have the capacity to support this process. Some/ most friends just can’t as they’re too concerned. Some even fear it and all the other emotions around it.
Those new friends are definitely arriving and I’m very grateful for them. Grateful for you too and all that you share ❤️🩹
So true! As a recovering people pleaser I used to be afraid to be myself in friendships and keep around anyone who would want to be my friend...and perform for their friendship giving them the experience I think they want instead.... thanks for the reminder and the list 😊 ❤️
There’s only been two friendships I’ve had to end rather than let peter out/run their natural course and it was the Drama. All the signs you identified. Complaining about how other friends had treated them without considering their point of view. I also found it was the same with the topics of work, romance and money.
One person was a gentle walking away from, the other was an “I don’t want to be friends anymore” conversation because I ended up feeling, well, attacked for want of a better word.
I feel blessed that I’ve only encountered this twice and the other excellent friendships do help you weed out the poor ones.
I also believe from experience that a lot of people grow out of these traits, but a small proportion unfortunately don’t!
Thank you for writing this, I found it really relatable 🙂
Apr 19·edited Apr 19Liked by Jessica Rose Williams
Ooh, yes, I can relate to this so much, Jess. 🤍 I've really been working on boundaries with friends - so hard when you're used to saying yes, wanting to please people, never wanting to upset anyone, etc. I read once (think it was in Nedra Glover Tawwab's book) that the people who get annoyed with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefitted from you not having them in the first place - it was so interesting (and heart-wrenching!) to watch that play out with people who had been in my life for years before. I'm definitely still in a flux situation with friends but feel so glad that I've got some incredible people around me who I know are genuinely rooting for me just like I am for them. We all deserve that and I'm soo glad you're finding that in Paris too! Also love that we have this space to connect and cheer each other on. ✨
I realised I gave up on the idea actually. I became a good friend to myself and it’s going well. Still always holding space for good people to enter as is natural tho. It’s good to hear there are specific sites that match interests-Thanks for the heads up on that! 🌸
Apr 18·edited Apr 18Liked by Jessica Rose Williams
Relationships: I've been exploring and evaluating this a lot lately and the universe seems to continue to place this topic into my orbit, front and center, amazingly...."you deserve to be surrounded by good loving people,~. Don’t settle for anything less" -this in itself is advice for a lifetime! ~and ~"When we set boundaries, healthy people respect them and the toxic fall away"- for me, has been experienced in real time-far too often...-Additionally these statements are not limited to friends and acquaintances, but family as well, however painful that can be... now, I aim to not chase the butterflies (that never ends well), and tend to my little garden....I will hopefully recognise when the true butterflies arrive....and we will all thrive,as will the garden. <3
Flags 1, 3 and 5 come to mind for me. Particularly significant and hurtful is when they relate to a family member which I’ve had experience of in recent years. Relationships, I would agree, take time to grow and develop but sometimes, particularly in the early stages it is easy to miss these flags until later on … one thing I try to do now is get to know someone slowly but if what they say about themselves doesn’t match their behaviour I tend to keep a little guarded or just walk away if it gets too much especially if they begin to ‘distort’ the truth!
Love this article so much. I have always struggled in particular with point 5. I am also a people pleaser and historically have always been the one to initiate contact, or to go the extra mile which gets rather exhausting! I distinctly remember organising a birthday party 6 months ahead of time and having every single one of my close friends pull out which was devastating at the time. Almost ten years later I’m still learning to value myself enough to expect and accept good things from people rather than expecting disappointment every time. Friendships can really play into your psyche and how you see yourself for sure!!
We’re all on our own way with healing and finding wholeness. However we’re all at different paces.
I am going through a transformational experience with complex trauma healing and need to feel seen as a priority in relationships atm.
However some friends understandably and inevitably have their own struggles and do not have the capacity for mine.
This is sad, disappointing, frustrating and very lonely and I allow these feelings but accept that although we love each other, it’s from a distance atm as I need to prioritise those friendships where we do have the capacity to see each other.
My experience is very traumatic so I prioritise the relationship with myself atm or the rare few who can offer me this and the lovely people on my online support group xx
Interesting thoughts Jessica. As a mid 50’s woman I slowly noticed over the past few years how my friends circle contained a lot of takers & recognised how bent out of shape I had become trying to please everyone.
I made a decision to radically get honest with myself & think about how many younger friends with small children were in my circle. Going to an enclosed playground for a catch up or early dinner at their place (because well the small children) where I invariably had very surface levels chats interspersed with endless talks to aforementioned small children or even better got relegated to child mind literally blew my mind. I don’t even really like children in the first place so how did I wind up in that space.
Then 18 months ago we changed churches & I initially thought they would be all too devout/serious/perfect for me & yet I have made some truly beautiful & authentic friends that has been the biggest blessing.
Suddenly I found myself with a range of friends of different ages, one of my closest is 12 years older than me & she is the most dynamic vivacious woman.
Fast forward to now & this has played out in my professional life with similar friends & acquaintances where I get to blossom & be me & not be a child under!!
I am glad I worked through this area of my life, it has, & continues to, teach me so much about myself.
I would add beings selfish. Some people care only about themselves. They don't want to listen you. There is always "I,me,my...etc"
Ouf! What a great one Jessica!
The first one, in my opinion, is a tell-tell sign that something is off in the friendship. I'm so glad I have the most encouraging friends around me (one even bought me a t-shirt with the sentence «Ce livre ne s'écrira pas tout seul» (This book will not write itself) when I signed my first book deal) and I establish a weekly celebrations chat via messenger (my friends are almost all long-distance) to cheer together and be proud of ourselves <3
I had to take a deep breath before listening to this one. I just knew it was going to hit hard, and I was right. I recognize all of them in former friendships.
I have masked so deeply up until 3-4 years ago. I never really understood what friendsships are. It might sound weird to some people, but as an autistic person, it just never... made sense to me. I like the idea of friendsships, and I like analyzing and trying to understanding relationships, but I never understood what friendships actually are. Because of this, I have masked so heavily that I have kind of become what the other person needed me to be, because that was what I felt like I knew: friends rely on each other and help each other, so I am just going to help this person and make sure they know that they can rely on me. Cut to me having very unhealthy and one-sided friendsships that made me deeply unhappy.
It felt off-centering to a degree that felt like it broke me. I am relearning being a friend and finding and setting boundaries in those friendsships.
I have to red flags that I pay particular attention to these days. The first one is if the friend doesn't ask about me, or if they do ask, do they shift topics after my reply without any sort of interest in what I told them. I am done with one-sided friendships. I am allowed to take up space, and I refuse to be the sponge that soaks up a friend's issues and helps and supports in that unhealthy one-sided way. I have a few good friendships in which we ask each other if the other person has mental space for listening, giving advice etc. on something before we just unload. That is the best thing to have happened in my friendships in a very long time!
My second red flag is if the person is annoyed with my autistic+adhd traits. I can tell now, and I am not having it anymore. If I can't unmask in front of a person, then this person is not going to be a friend. I am ok with friends making mistakes, wanting to learn and being curious, but I am no longer taking on the workload of educating a friend and advocating for myself in friendsships.
- Yet another long comment from me... It is such an interesting and difficult subject. I am very grateful for your thoughts and for making space for us to share.
I can relate to all 5 points, particularly number 1 ‘ They don’t clap when you win’. I’ve seen so-called friends become instantly angry and upset over me having completing qualifications, buying a new home, new car etc. It’s so disappointing when you were looking forward to celebrating with them and yet it’s the complete opposite. On the plus side I have become more skilled over the years of knowing when to end relationships, although the action of actually ending it is still difficult at times
I’m in a very lonely place as currently dedicating my time and energy to my healing and shifting to people who do have the capacity to support this process. Some/ most friends just can’t as they’re too concerned. Some even fear it and all the other emotions around it.
Those new friends are definitely arriving and I’m very grateful for them. Grateful for you too and all that you share ❤️🩹
So true! As a recovering people pleaser I used to be afraid to be myself in friendships and keep around anyone who would want to be my friend...and perform for their friendship giving them the experience I think they want instead.... thanks for the reminder and the list 😊 ❤️
Oh the second red flag hit home for me.
There’s only been two friendships I’ve had to end rather than let peter out/run their natural course and it was the Drama. All the signs you identified. Complaining about how other friends had treated them without considering their point of view. I also found it was the same with the topics of work, romance and money.
One person was a gentle walking away from, the other was an “I don’t want to be friends anymore” conversation because I ended up feeling, well, attacked for want of a better word.
I feel blessed that I’ve only encountered this twice and the other excellent friendships do help you weed out the poor ones.
I also believe from experience that a lot of people grow out of these traits, but a small proportion unfortunately don’t!
Thank you for writing this, I found it really relatable 🙂
Ooh, yes, I can relate to this so much, Jess. 🤍 I've really been working on boundaries with friends - so hard when you're used to saying yes, wanting to please people, never wanting to upset anyone, etc. I read once (think it was in Nedra Glover Tawwab's book) that the people who get annoyed with you for setting boundaries are the people who benefitted from you not having them in the first place - it was so interesting (and heart-wrenching!) to watch that play out with people who had been in my life for years before. I'm definitely still in a flux situation with friends but feel so glad that I've got some incredible people around me who I know are genuinely rooting for me just like I am for them. We all deserve that and I'm soo glad you're finding that in Paris too! Also love that we have this space to connect and cheer each other on. ✨
These are definitely important red flags to look out for! I have experienced a few of them in friendships in the past
I realised I gave up on the idea actually. I became a good friend to myself and it’s going well. Still always holding space for good people to enter as is natural tho. It’s good to hear there are specific sites that match interests-Thanks for the heads up on that! 🌸
Relationships: I've been exploring and evaluating this a lot lately and the universe seems to continue to place this topic into my orbit, front and center, amazingly...."you deserve to be surrounded by good loving people,~. Don’t settle for anything less" -this in itself is advice for a lifetime! ~and ~"When we set boundaries, healthy people respect them and the toxic fall away"- for me, has been experienced in real time-far too often...-Additionally these statements are not limited to friends and acquaintances, but family as well, however painful that can be... now, I aim to not chase the butterflies (that never ends well), and tend to my little garden....I will hopefully recognise when the true butterflies arrive....and we will all thrive,as will the garden. <3
Flags 1, 3 and 5 come to mind for me. Particularly significant and hurtful is when they relate to a family member which I’ve had experience of in recent years. Relationships, I would agree, take time to grow and develop but sometimes, particularly in the early stages it is easy to miss these flags until later on … one thing I try to do now is get to know someone slowly but if what they say about themselves doesn’t match their behaviour I tend to keep a little guarded or just walk away if it gets too much especially if they begin to ‘distort’ the truth!
Love this article so much. I have always struggled in particular with point 5. I am also a people pleaser and historically have always been the one to initiate contact, or to go the extra mile which gets rather exhausting! I distinctly remember organising a birthday party 6 months ahead of time and having every single one of my close friends pull out which was devastating at the time. Almost ten years later I’m still learning to value myself enough to expect and accept good things from people rather than expecting disappointment every time. Friendships can really play into your psyche and how you see yourself for sure!!
We’re all on our own way with healing and finding wholeness. However we’re all at different paces.
I am going through a transformational experience with complex trauma healing and need to feel seen as a priority in relationships atm.
However some friends understandably and inevitably have their own struggles and do not have the capacity for mine.
This is sad, disappointing, frustrating and very lonely and I allow these feelings but accept that although we love each other, it’s from a distance atm as I need to prioritise those friendships where we do have the capacity to see each other.
My experience is very traumatic so I prioritise the relationship with myself atm or the rare few who can offer me this and the lovely people on my online support group xx
Interesting thoughts Jessica. As a mid 50’s woman I slowly noticed over the past few years how my friends circle contained a lot of takers & recognised how bent out of shape I had become trying to please everyone.
I made a decision to radically get honest with myself & think about how many younger friends with small children were in my circle. Going to an enclosed playground for a catch up or early dinner at their place (because well the small children) where I invariably had very surface levels chats interspersed with endless talks to aforementioned small children or even better got relegated to child mind literally blew my mind. I don’t even really like children in the first place so how did I wind up in that space.
Then 18 months ago we changed churches & I initially thought they would be all too devout/serious/perfect for me & yet I have made some truly beautiful & authentic friends that has been the biggest blessing.
Suddenly I found myself with a range of friends of different ages, one of my closest is 12 years older than me & she is the most dynamic vivacious woman.
Fast forward to now & this has played out in my professional life with similar friends & acquaintances where I get to blossom & be me & not be a child under!!
I am glad I worked through this area of my life, it has, & continues to, teach me so much about myself.
🧡