I think your vulnerability and willingness to be seen is your super power. I was sexually abused as a child and it messed me up in innumerable ways. Not the least of which was my ability to set boundaries and determine for myself what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. I'm 62 and I have never revealed the identity of this family member to anyone other than one friend. Not even my husband knows. I don't want to give it any more of my time or energy. What would it serve? I wouldn't be believed and would be ostracized for daring to besmirch his reputation. So, I've learned to let it go and get on with my life.
Thank you for sharing so openly! I have had plenty of unwanted attention and felt I had to "be nice" and go along with what he wanted scared of what would happen if I didn't (more scared of the ridicule and dropped like a hot potato than any violence.) There is too much subconscious messaging that women can't stop and ask for more time, connection, honesty, etc. before going down the sexual road. Now I can do that. It only took until I was 54 to figure this out. Your sharing and the other comments is what helps us see the patterns and decide to stand up for ourselves!
Thank you for sharing this with us Jessica. Your vulnerability and openness is so welcome and valued here. ❤️
This quote particularly resonated with me -
‘To trust another takes even more strength, more vulnerability, emotional risk and uncertainty. When this isn’t matched it’s devastating but I’ve found there are those who simply, even though they might care, cannot handle it, who cannot sit with us in our pain. I often wonder how these people would deal with such an event happening to them’.
I feel that this applies to all types of trauma. It’s as if we are divided into two groups, those of us who get it (or want to try), and those that don’t.
this hit so hard. Through drug therapy I have unlocked childhood SA from a parent-figure and am just starting to come to terms with it, understanding myself, my issues, the struggles in my marriage. Thank you for putting words to some of the chaos inside my head. I cry for all of us who have survived through darkness.
I’m widowed. My late husband died in 2016 and he was the 1st person I told of my childhood sexual abuse.
Your writing is so brave and so helpful for others. The more we talk about this the more it helps us to heal.
Your writing also gives me more insight into myself too. I always need to feel in control. Online dating is new for me and although others mostly criticise it- it help me as I can’t flirt unless I’ve more fully sussed out a guy. Like you I feel uncomfortable with the male gaze unless I initiate it and feel I’m in control. The online dating allows me to look, chat, and screen out before committing to a date. And the first few dates are relaxed over coffee and in the day.
This gives me a sense of safety and control.
I’ve had a few lovely relationships since my husband died but I’m currently focused on healing the relationship with myself. So I am enjoying dates on my own or salsa dance classes where I enjoy the company of guys and they are all respectful and looking for nothing more atm.
Sex was so hard for me as a newlywed around 5 years ago, having been treated like the scum of the earth in multiple ways in previous relationships of mine. I couldn’t even open up about everything emotionally, either. Over the years as my husband and I have built trust with one another it has gotten so much better. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel so much less alone.
Feb 23·edited Feb 23Liked by Jessica Rose Williams
Oh, Jessica. What a beautifully written piece; the raw honesty and vulnerability of it is such a gift, thank you. As ever, sending you masses of love.
I have trauma from growing up around serious domestic violence. Navigating the world around me and trying not to feel scared all the time/ accepting that it’s ok to feel safe has been and continues to be, the work of a lifetime. This is despite being an outwardly confident and outgoing person.
So much of what you say in this piece resonates so hard with me - I know I will re-read it.
“Sometimes I don’t know whether to listen to my body or reassure it”. Every damn day. ❤️
Bonjour Jessica, I'm so sorry you had this experience. I wish I did not,but I can completely to every emotion and thought here. Hope and strength are often fleeting, but my desire to not live in victim-hood persists and conquers. No, the world is never the same again, but I too, will "not let the past rob me of my future", reminding myself of this every day that I have more power that I think...
I also agree with the post by Carolynn, that these experiences DO NOT deserve ANY of my precious energy except in the context of healing and renewal... à plus~xo
I think your vulnerability and willingness to be seen is your super power. I was sexually abused as a child and it messed me up in innumerable ways. Not the least of which was my ability to set boundaries and determine for myself what was acceptable behavior and what wasn't. I'm 62 and I have never revealed the identity of this family member to anyone other than one friend. Not even my husband knows. I don't want to give it any more of my time or energy. What would it serve? I wouldn't be believed and would be ostracized for daring to besmirch his reputation. So, I've learned to let it go and get on with my life.
Thank you for sharing so openly! I have had plenty of unwanted attention and felt I had to "be nice" and go along with what he wanted scared of what would happen if I didn't (more scared of the ridicule and dropped like a hot potato than any violence.) There is too much subconscious messaging that women can't stop and ask for more time, connection, honesty, etc. before going down the sexual road. Now I can do that. It only took until I was 54 to figure this out. Your sharing and the other comments is what helps us see the patterns and decide to stand up for ourselves!
Thank you for sharing this with us Jessica. Your vulnerability and openness is so welcome and valued here. ❤️
This quote particularly resonated with me -
‘To trust another takes even more strength, more vulnerability, emotional risk and uncertainty. When this isn’t matched it’s devastating but I’ve found there are those who simply, even though they might care, cannot handle it, who cannot sit with us in our pain. I often wonder how these people would deal with such an event happening to them’.
I feel that this applies to all types of trauma. It’s as if we are divided into two groups, those of us who get it (or want to try), and those that don’t.
Sending much love. xx
Beautiful, thank you for sharing this story.
this hit so hard. Through drug therapy I have unlocked childhood SA from a parent-figure and am just starting to come to terms with it, understanding myself, my issues, the struggles in my marriage. Thank you for putting words to some of the chaos inside my head. I cry for all of us who have survived through darkness.
I’m widowed. My late husband died in 2016 and he was the 1st person I told of my childhood sexual abuse.
Your writing is so brave and so helpful for others. The more we talk about this the more it helps us to heal.
Your writing also gives me more insight into myself too. I always need to feel in control. Online dating is new for me and although others mostly criticise it- it help me as I can’t flirt unless I’ve more fully sussed out a guy. Like you I feel uncomfortable with the male gaze unless I initiate it and feel I’m in control. The online dating allows me to look, chat, and screen out before committing to a date. And the first few dates are relaxed over coffee and in the day.
This gives me a sense of safety and control.
I’ve had a few lovely relationships since my husband died but I’m currently focused on healing the relationship with myself. So I am enjoying dates on my own or salsa dance classes where I enjoy the company of guys and they are all respectful and looking for nothing more atm.
Sex was so hard for me as a newlywed around 5 years ago, having been treated like the scum of the earth in multiple ways in previous relationships of mine. I couldn’t even open up about everything emotionally, either. Over the years as my husband and I have built trust with one another it has gotten so much better. Thank you for sharing this. It makes me feel so much less alone.
Oh, Jessica. What a beautifully written piece; the raw honesty and vulnerability of it is such a gift, thank you. As ever, sending you masses of love.
I have trauma from growing up around serious domestic violence. Navigating the world around me and trying not to feel scared all the time/ accepting that it’s ok to feel safe has been and continues to be, the work of a lifetime. This is despite being an outwardly confident and outgoing person.
So much of what you say in this piece resonates so hard with me - I know I will re-read it.
“Sometimes I don’t know whether to listen to my body or reassure it”. Every damn day. ❤️
Bonjour Jessica, I'm so sorry you had this experience. I wish I did not,but I can completely to every emotion and thought here. Hope and strength are often fleeting, but my desire to not live in victim-hood persists and conquers. No, the world is never the same again, but I too, will "not let the past rob me of my future", reminding myself of this every day that I have more power that I think...
I also agree with the post by Carolynn, that these experiences DO NOT deserve ANY of my precious energy except in the context of healing and renewal... à plus~xo
Love to you
I've sent you my reply via DM on Instagram.. I hope you understand..