Can we ever truly find happiness alone?

And how if nothing seems to bring it? How to not feel lonely if you're lacking connection

Hello you

I had a question recently that requires a long and thoughtful answer. It read…

Hello, this will probably be a totally random question but l've been following you for years when you were still living in England and you always felt so calming and put together. I wanted to ask you if you think one can be happy and content living the whole life alone without a partner. I am after horrible horrible relationship and heart break and I know I cannot and do not want to have another partner but I was wandering can one find happiness when alone? And how if nothing seams to bring it? And how not to feel loneliness if you don’t have a lot of friends or family?

And here’s what I have to say…

Yes and no.

My heart breaks for those who are heartbroken. The unseen internal bleeding of it is a great tragedy of life we all experience at one point or another. Heartbreak is the most deceiving of illnesses. You can look completely ok on the outside but may as well be dragging broken limbs around. The world is dark, our inner light dimmed and the body we reside in feels heavy. We’re catapulted into every negative self belief we possess and it’s amplified on full volume inside our heads. Lack, doubt, fear and even shame become our daily playlist.

When we experience this pain we're grieving, both what was and what could have been. It took years for me to reach the point where I could envisage a life with romantic love again after my ten year marriage ended. My sole focus was curating inner wholeness so I totally resonate with where you are right now. I would say on repeat ‘the last thing I want is another man,’ and I meant it. Parts of me were totally closed off, shut down to preserve precious resources so I could use the little energy I had to continue to live at least in survival mode. My priorities consisted of the basics you’d associate with caring for a baby: food, sleep, water and connection with my main caregivers like my mum and closest friends. There wasn’t any room for the romantic.

My husband and I would often joke about one of us dying and what might happen. Morbid yes but we found it funny. We both agreed he would find someone new, much to my disgust and for which I’d haunt him whereas I would live out my life in solitude surrounded by dogs and horses. Solitude is exactly where I found myself post divorce and he found himself in new relationships as we predicted. Neither of us had died, nor had our love but our marriage had. Who’s happier? I’m not sure.

I woke up on Valentine’s day this year feeling the happiest I’ve felt for a long time. I basqued in the relief of having nobody to disappoint or to disappoint me. My day was mine to spend as I wanted free from all obligation. I felt immense gratitude for my life here in Paris, my little studio apartment, the business I’ve built, my friendships and in general the post divorce life I created from my grief. I’m really into health right now and I thought how wonderful it was that I could fully submerge myself in this new fascination I’ve got without any questions, remarks or restrictions a partner so often brings to such change. I could try out the seemingly bizarre meals judgement free, spend as much as I wanted on vitamins and watch as many YouTube videos on vegan lifestyles as I wanted. Curious to unpick the happiness I was feeling I realised it was coming from freedom.

Here comes the question I’d put back to you. First and foremost, what does happiness mean for you?

I’m of the spiritual variety where I believe happiness, like every emotion we experience, is temporary. It’s beautiful when it’s here because it feels so good but we can’t live in this state for long and that’s normal. To chase it then or depend on it becomes futile. What’s more realistic is finding peace and fulfilment which is always available to us because these states of being come from within. They can absolutely exist alongside heartbreak and will offer a lot of relief. You’ll find them through mindfulness and connecting with your soul. Things like journaling, walks in nature, meditating, creativity and discovering passions will open up a whole new hopeful world. Peace and fulfilment are sustainable because we can always feel these no matter what our emotions are. Peace lies underneath all. Happiness on the other-hand has an opposite which is despair.

I spent my 30th birthday in Paris. The itinerary was perfected for months and I was so excited. It was supposed to be the dream mini break and on Instagram, which is maybe where you felt I was so calm and put together, this is exactly how it looked - but all I remember is how tired and miserable my husband was. In his defence we’d been travelling a lot and he’d had enough but I was vexed at the time to the point where I can still remember looking at him and thinking I wish you’d fuck off so I could enjoy all these lovely places I want to experience and photograph. Not that I said it out loud as we never spoke to one another like that but I don’t mind admitting to you that I thought it. Do I enjoy all those places now I live here in Paris alone? Do they bring happiness? Yes, absolutely. Do I spend time there wishing I had someone to enjoy them with. Also yes. The subject is nuanced. There isn’t a black and white answer.

It’s not that we can’t find happiness alone, it’s that we can’t sustain it whether we’re alone or with a partner. We can absolutely find happiness alone but just like when it’s experienced with a partner it will be temporary. Of course happiness is absent if you’re grieving, but in this grief is where the healing happens and most often the strengthening before the rising. It sounds like this needs to be a solo affair for you and that’s ok.

Practice visualising potential futures, with or without a partner and how they might feel. Envisage how you want them to feel and what this might entail for you or what is required. It could be travel, a new hobby, friendships, a creative endeavour or business venture. Follow your curiosity and be open to whatever comes up. Enjoy those feelings now as if these visions have already manifested, then maybe take some action if you feel able. For me this looked like booking myself into an adult beginner ballet class.

If nothing seems to bring happiness then I would surrender to that and refocus on your inner world, just be careful not to craft an identity for yourself out of this pain. You are not your feelings. They will pass and they will change. Anything and everything is still possible, things you haven’t even though of yet. Be with the winter and let the ground rest. Find the home within yourself and nurture it with love. Your outer world will soon start to reflect the garden you're growing.

Still, it’s my experience that no matter how full we feel internally we can still feel incomplete externally and this is where the longing for connection with another comes in. This is actually where I find myself now and it’s been a question I’ve pondered for a long time. I feel like the healthiest, most put together version of myself I’ve ever been, as I described to you on Valentine’s Day morning and yet I still long for romantic love. I read a beautiful book for the second time recently called the power of now by Elkhart Tolle which says we can feel complete on the inside and incomplete on the outside and that resonated very deeply. It’s a great one for mindfulness as is seat of the soul by Gary Zukav. Both take a similar approach in labelling our consciousness as separate from our ego. We are not our minds basically.

Loneliness is an illusion because the truth is we're always alone. This is one of the best pieces of advice my therapist ever gave me. We can never truly know another person in the same way they can never truly know us. How well do you know yourself? Even during sex when we’re connected as one we don’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling. The antidote to feeling lonely is connection, firstly with yourself and then with those you feel accepted by.

You only need one or two meaningful connections and these will unfold as a reflection of of your inner state. It’s not uncommon to lose and gain friends during pivotal times like the one you’re going through because we attract what we are. This is a beautiful time to connect with new likeminded hearts and you can find them by being energetically open. Throw yourself into self-care or healing communities, give the energy to strangers you want to receive yourself and see what the universe sends your way. Join groups or clubs, smile at people in the street, compliment someone on an outfit, ask if they’re enjoying the book they’re reading. When we’re energetically open what we’re seeking will find us. These platonic connections often provide more depth, longevity and support than romantic love and are the ones worth investing in before anything else.

Everything starts and ends with you, but I promise you already have everything you need to transmute this pain and move through the phase you're in.

Your heart is held <3

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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