Thank you for creating this space to talk about this subject, it’s not something you see very often and is something I can strongly relate to and hope you don’t mind my long comment!
When I was 18 I met a man whilst backpacking in Australia who was 11 years older than me who had 2 children to two different women, who lived in another state, he didn’t pay child support and lived a very bachelor lifestyle. Despite these red flags I was charmed by his love bombing and narcissistic ways and that combined with my naivety, age and low self worth, I went on to marry him and stayed in Australia for over a decade after that. We did end up moving to the state where his children were and I was a stepmom to the one he would eventually see. I took on that role with love but no idea what it actually meant, as I was also, so young. He was not a good dad and walked in and out of her life and I saw firsthand the damage that did. After being married for 7 years and two children of my own with him (age 1 and 2) I left him due to domestic violence and the realisation being a dad was not ever going to be something that changed his behaviour. My kids were not allowed to see him for those reasons and also because I’d seen the damage he’d done to his other children.
I still have contact with the girl who was my stepdaughter and she no longer has any contact with her dad either.
I often look back and hope she knows I did the best I could with the tools I had at that time and being that age.
My children are lucky enough to have an incredible stepdad who threw himself into that role committing to it very selflessly and lovingly, but it of course comes with challenges.
I am someone who has also benefited from talking therapy and have learned how our childhoods affect us, so now I parent with that in mind constantly. I am 36 now and I always hope that how I parented as a young 22 year old in survival mode hasn’t affected my own children too negatively and that the tools I have used for self development and personal growth have also benefited them and my parenting skills.
It’s such a big topic, responsibility and why I actively chose not to date a man who had kids himself again when I wanted a new partner. People are sometimes shocked by that when I have children myself but I felt like my plate was too full. I think it was easier for my partner to be such a great stepdad too as their biological father wasn’t in their life from the time they were babies. I imagine it’s very difficult to navigate step parenting and a blended family when both parents are involved and all the emotions that comes with.
I’m sure the fact you care deeply about how they feel now and the fact you shared an apology, means a lot and I’m sure you did the absolute best you could with the tools you had at the time ❤️
oh my love! I read your story with 'oh my god' 'oh no' coming out loud after each paragraph. I'm sending you soooooooo much love and I'm glad sharing my story helped you feel seen for your own experiences xx
What a beautiful post. I can’t imagine being thrown into such a complicated situation while still being a young, vulnerable girl. I guess I have a really deep compassion reflex for you because I’m starting to realize you and I have some similarities - I was 22 when I got into a relationship with a man 19 years older than me. We were together 12 years and broke up a few years ago. I just cannot imagine adding becoming a stepmom to all of that. You were so young! ♥️ Thank you for so sharing your processing of all of this with us. It feels like such a gift to have stumbled upon you and your work!
As for dating a man with kids…as of right now I can’t imagine doing it. Not after being sort of thrust into adulthood at such a young age. I felt like I was in over my head (not to mention I got into that relationship five months after my dad passed from cancer), and now it’s like all I want is to feel free and young and to get out and experience life. Maybe that will change someday, but for now I just need things to be a lot lighter. Thanks again so much for writing this. It's meant so much to me to find you and witness you changing your life in such big ways. You're incredibly inspiring.
thank you Rebecca. And you're welcome. Totally understandable you feel how you feel right now. That feeling you have is exactly the same a I feel too and I'm terrified someone will take it from me which I'm realising results in sabotaging potential new relationships - I wonder do you also feel that? Also... YOU'RE inspiring <3
Yes, I totally feel that! And I should add the caveat that I've also taken several years away from even considering dating (the healing process has been pretty brutal) and am only now starting to really consider it. And when I do think about it, I feel like I'm in a different headspace than I'm generally expected to be in at 37. I don't actually want a serious relationship again for maybe a couple years, so I know I'm pushing away serious candidates at the moment! I'm feeling so much more interested in my career and in rebuilding my life. I'd love to honestly just experience the basics of dating that I missed in my twenties. Flirting, first dates, nothing life-altering, just fun and experimentation. On the darkest days of my relationship I used to feel like I had somehow ruined my life by not experiencing this, but it's wonderful to realize how much is ahead of us now. :-)
Wow! You are a brave one to be so raw and candid I salute you!
I too married a divorced man after my husband passed. He is an excellent dad, his son, who when we met was living independently was in his early thirties. He seemed pleasant in the early days of our dating. His parents, my now husband and his X wife had been separated and divorced for over 25 years. My naive self assumed the drama might have abated after so long. I was proven so wrong.
Being an empath and a clairsentient individual. I suddenly began feeling extreme guilty and shameful after an encounter with his family members. How dare me for having had the gall to love a man that his X still had dibs on. I was invited to family celebrations but felt absolutely unwanted and was treated with polite disdain by everyone in attendance. I am a well established individual, well educated, held a respected position, with self assurance. I cannot even imagine what you went through. I remember feeling like I was preparing for battle every single time i attended a family function.
One day I began to realize that I did not have to fall for the manipulations and snares that were set for me. So I stopped trying so hard to want to be accepted, and desperately trying to fit in. Clearly, they did not want me in the picture, and I accepted it. I stopped trying completely. I sat at family function with utter indifference written all over my face. I never stooped to rudeness, however tempting. I held my ground with what I hoped was grace, in spite of feeling as if I might implode at any given moment. Slowly, I began to heal. It became easier ( a little ) with time. The poker face has served me well in other occasions. ; )
Nowadays, they make the effort to go the extra mile for me, and they do the heavy lifting. I remain pleasant, graceful, but undeniably cool. I feel respected and they know better than to mess with me. All without uttering a word!
Thank you. I definitely relate to this. My relationship with my husband’s children was very difficult for a few years. Their mother had left him for someone else a few years before I met him. She’d moved to France and I felt that their daughter struggled with this for years. The relationship improved when they were young adults and my husband was hospitalised so they had to phone me regularly. His daughter came to visit so as well as dealing with my own worries I had to look after her and drive her around.
Sadly I have never really trusted her and I know that she is very manipulative. I had experienced her lying to him to his face and then phoning me afterwards when he was so angry that he wouldn’t speak to her.
We actually got married after he recovered and both of his kids now have children of their own. Their mother had married many years before but his daughter still seemed to want them to be together as a ‘family’. I still don’t think of his grandchildren as my grandchildren and we don’t see them very often. His son and his family live in Oxfordshire and his daughter in France with her family. I couldn’t have children and I knew that many years before I met him.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm so sorry you went through all that. These situations are incredibly sensitive and complicated. Honoured to hold the space you felt safe to share in.
Beautiful piece Jess and although your step daughter shrugged off the apology, years from now, she will respect you for it. You did right by her and that she will never forget. My cousin married a guy with two kids whom she has become very close to and dove into accepting as her own. Her now husband told her she would never have to deal with his ex 🤦, which of course is a lie/naive bc she will always be the kids mother. Sadly the mother has abused and put the kids in unsafe situations. This has wreaked havoc on my cousin and her marriage. I'll admit when I was dating I always said I'd prefer to not marry a man with children bc I knew depending upon the situation things could be crazy complicated, but also my friend's step dad literally changed her life for the better. It just depends.
This is such a vulnerable and well-written post. I have never experienced being in a blender family, either as a child or as a parent, but I can’t imagine it’s ever easy. I think, if I was ever in the situation of being single and dating again, I would try and keep my dating life and my parent life separate, but who knows what would happen in reality. And I also wouldn’t want to date anyone with children (despite having one of my own 😂).
Beautiful and incredibly written post. After I got divorced, since I don’t have children, I equally never wanted to date anyone with children but it is difficult to find. I met my husband who was 37 at the time and he’d never been married or had children — almost 8 years later we have no plans to have children. I have never been a stepparent but in my 20s I wasn’t sure if I wanted children so never opened myself up to dating someone with them (not to sound preachy at all — you were young and in love and boy, did I make a million dating mistakes at that age including sleeping with my married with children professor at age 22). Your piece was so open and honest and I loved that! Came over here from Things Worth Knowing and you have a new subscriber. 🫶🏻🥰
Beautiful reflections, as always. I knew at a very young age that I never wanted children. The adults around me laughed and said, "Just wait." I'm 63 and childless, by choice. I know it was the best decision, for me. That said, I married a man with 2 girls. They were in their early 20's when we met, so, in theory, they were grown and never lived with us. Even though my husband had been separated from his ex for over 3 years when we met, the girls, especially the youngest, was cruel & manipulative toward her dad and expressed a lot of animosity toward me. Fortunately, the ex has never been a part of our married life. I've never met her and the kids never discuss her around us. I've been as kind and accepting as I could and, slowly, over time, the girls have come to accept that I'm not evil incarnate nor do I want to keep them from having a relationship with their dad. I have never wanted nor needed to assume a maternal role. I did recently became a grandmother, though, which is wild. They live quite far away, so it remains to be seen how that relationship will develop.
Thank you for sharing your story and experience! I’m a fatherless daughter, and more or less motherless too. While growing up I never had strong maternal instinct especially towards human reproduction, I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I’m selfish, sinful for not wanting to become a human mom, and I used to force myself to like children. Now I am more at peace with this fact, but being Chinese, my culture is extremely judgemental, so I’m still very sinful according to them. My marriage with my husband is childless and it will be forever I think. I remember Oprah once said some of us were born to be aunties, I guess I’m one of those.
This was such a great piece. I can’t identify with the theme of being a step-mum but I was captured by your writing here. In general though, how much we learn as we grow - I look back on younger me and think oh dear what was I thinking? But at the time I didn’t know any better. The acceptance and compassion is hard. x
Our children are a part of us so our relationship with our children is as important as our relationship with ourselves.
So meeting a person- mum or dad with kids I remember this.
It’s no reflection on you if the children are prioritised. It’s the same as if we prioritise good self care.
I wouldn’t want to date anyone who didn’t practice good self care so their relationship with themselves and their children is very telling.
So I think if we manage our expectations around this with a new partner with children it helps and then we can better judge if their availability then gives us enough.
And if we always ensure our own self care is prioritised with self love and self compassion this also ensures that expectations are kept realistic of another.
I find this hard and this is new learning for me in my 50s so I admire your learning on this already.
I have had unrealistic expectations of partners in the past and missed red flags due to the trauma of ‘mother hunger’ which is very difficult to admit.
Our relationship as a daughter with our mother is the blueprint for all other relationship and if this is impacted growing up we need extra self care, love and compassion. So our own ongoing self mothering is essential.
So I remember this with self compassion and give myself the extra care that we deserve and I hope it’ll mean that my next relationship will be healthy and balanced with healthy expectations.
Also in my experience although children will limit emotional availability to some extent- the main thing that has limited his emotional availability is his own personal issues. Not the children xx
Thank you for sharing, what a beautifully candid post on a topic I haven't seen spoken about often. I've gone back and forth on whether I would like children. Feeling the pressure that I should have them. I know in my heart that I'm not maternal and have come to accept that having children isn't for me. I've become braver in stating I'm not going to be having kids when it comes up in conversation about 'when will you be having kids'. I've stopped worrying about other peoples judgements of my I'm not having kids'responses.
In my twenties when I was still battling this decision/judgement mindset, I was dating guys with kids. Now in my thirties and being clear on my response to the kids question, I still have a battle to date in terms of the other side having kids. I don't want to be a step mum, yet like you say in your post, those without kids are dwindling. This is one of two things that makes me insecure about putting myself back out there into the dating pool.
I recently dated a man who had two young children. It was unusual as we are both in our 50s but a lot of what you said resonated. The excuses as away to avoid closeness and commitment. I don’t think I’d do it again. I’m almost 55, I don’t want to be a stepmum. I have my own grown up children.
This is another really beautiful piece of writing, Jess. I'm in awe of how self aware you are and of your honesty in how hard won that has been. Thank you for sharing. I don't have direct experience but still found it a fascinating, well-researched and important post. Xxx
I found this really interesting to read. I’m also 36, married and have a stepson who was 4 when I met my husband and is now 13. We now have him every other weekend but when we first met my husband was having him almost every weekend which threw me in the deep end a bit. I would certainly agree with not knowing exactly what role your meant to play and the part about the ex being a ‘ghost’ in the relationship, she has never had a big issue with me as I came along when they were very much separated however there has been times when she has been incredibly nasty and manipulative and her presence is often felt. It angers me that she can still make my husband feel incredibly guilty for not being at her beck and call all the time when in reality he does and always has done a lot for both of them. I also agree that it’s hard not to wish it were just us two, it affects our finances and every decision we make. We have never been able to book a trip spontaneously or go away for more than 10 days for example. But similarly to what you said about dating again, I know my husband is the wonderful man he is because of having his son. We haven’t had children ourselves and though it is not completely off the table, my husband has made it clear he would rather not but would do it for me (something I made sure of at the very beginning) but which now feels like a big pressure to make a decision. Having already experienced first hand the sacrifices on your freedom and pressure on your relationship children bring (and the tantrums and awful kids parties when they are young!) I find it hard to imagine starting all over again even with our own baby when we feel close to a time of having more freedom. I also don’t have a crystal ball so can never know how I’d feel about having children if I had not been with someone with a child already. Thanks for sharing x
Thank you for creating this space to talk about this subject, it’s not something you see very often and is something I can strongly relate to and hope you don’t mind my long comment!
When I was 18 I met a man whilst backpacking in Australia who was 11 years older than me who had 2 children to two different women, who lived in another state, he didn’t pay child support and lived a very bachelor lifestyle. Despite these red flags I was charmed by his love bombing and narcissistic ways and that combined with my naivety, age and low self worth, I went on to marry him and stayed in Australia for over a decade after that. We did end up moving to the state where his children were and I was a stepmom to the one he would eventually see. I took on that role with love but no idea what it actually meant, as I was also, so young. He was not a good dad and walked in and out of her life and I saw firsthand the damage that did. After being married for 7 years and two children of my own with him (age 1 and 2) I left him due to domestic violence and the realisation being a dad was not ever going to be something that changed his behaviour. My kids were not allowed to see him for those reasons and also because I’d seen the damage he’d done to his other children.
I still have contact with the girl who was my stepdaughter and she no longer has any contact with her dad either.
I often look back and hope she knows I did the best I could with the tools I had at that time and being that age.
My children are lucky enough to have an incredible stepdad who threw himself into that role committing to it very selflessly and lovingly, but it of course comes with challenges.
I am someone who has also benefited from talking therapy and have learned how our childhoods affect us, so now I parent with that in mind constantly. I am 36 now and I always hope that how I parented as a young 22 year old in survival mode hasn’t affected my own children too negatively and that the tools I have used for self development and personal growth have also benefited them and my parenting skills.
It’s such a big topic, responsibility and why I actively chose not to date a man who had kids himself again when I wanted a new partner. People are sometimes shocked by that when I have children myself but I felt like my plate was too full. I think it was easier for my partner to be such a great stepdad too as their biological father wasn’t in their life from the time they were babies. I imagine it’s very difficult to navigate step parenting and a blended family when both parents are involved and all the emotions that comes with.
I’m sure the fact you care deeply about how they feel now and the fact you shared an apology, means a lot and I’m sure you did the absolute best you could with the tools you had at the time ❤️
oh my love! I read your story with 'oh my god' 'oh no' coming out loud after each paragraph. I'm sending you soooooooo much love and I'm glad sharing my story helped you feel seen for your own experiences xx
What a beautiful post. I can’t imagine being thrown into such a complicated situation while still being a young, vulnerable girl. I guess I have a really deep compassion reflex for you because I’m starting to realize you and I have some similarities - I was 22 when I got into a relationship with a man 19 years older than me. We were together 12 years and broke up a few years ago. I just cannot imagine adding becoming a stepmom to all of that. You were so young! ♥️ Thank you for so sharing your processing of all of this with us. It feels like such a gift to have stumbled upon you and your work!
As for dating a man with kids…as of right now I can’t imagine doing it. Not after being sort of thrust into adulthood at such a young age. I felt like I was in over my head (not to mention I got into that relationship five months after my dad passed from cancer), and now it’s like all I want is to feel free and young and to get out and experience life. Maybe that will change someday, but for now I just need things to be a lot lighter. Thanks again so much for writing this. It's meant so much to me to find you and witness you changing your life in such big ways. You're incredibly inspiring.
thank you Rebecca. And you're welcome. Totally understandable you feel how you feel right now. That feeling you have is exactly the same a I feel too and I'm terrified someone will take it from me which I'm realising results in sabotaging potential new relationships - I wonder do you also feel that? Also... YOU'RE inspiring <3
Yes, I totally feel that! And I should add the caveat that I've also taken several years away from even considering dating (the healing process has been pretty brutal) and am only now starting to really consider it. And when I do think about it, I feel like I'm in a different headspace than I'm generally expected to be in at 37. I don't actually want a serious relationship again for maybe a couple years, so I know I'm pushing away serious candidates at the moment! I'm feeling so much more interested in my career and in rebuilding my life. I'd love to honestly just experience the basics of dating that I missed in my twenties. Flirting, first dates, nothing life-altering, just fun and experimentation. On the darkest days of my relationship I used to feel like I had somehow ruined my life by not experiencing this, but it's wonderful to realize how much is ahead of us now. :-)
Wow! You are a brave one to be so raw and candid I salute you!
I too married a divorced man after my husband passed. He is an excellent dad, his son, who when we met was living independently was in his early thirties. He seemed pleasant in the early days of our dating. His parents, my now husband and his X wife had been separated and divorced for over 25 years. My naive self assumed the drama might have abated after so long. I was proven so wrong.
Being an empath and a clairsentient individual. I suddenly began feeling extreme guilty and shameful after an encounter with his family members. How dare me for having had the gall to love a man that his X still had dibs on. I was invited to family celebrations but felt absolutely unwanted and was treated with polite disdain by everyone in attendance. I am a well established individual, well educated, held a respected position, with self assurance. I cannot even imagine what you went through. I remember feeling like I was preparing for battle every single time i attended a family function.
One day I began to realize that I did not have to fall for the manipulations and snares that were set for me. So I stopped trying so hard to want to be accepted, and desperately trying to fit in. Clearly, they did not want me in the picture, and I accepted it. I stopped trying completely. I sat at family function with utter indifference written all over my face. I never stooped to rudeness, however tempting. I held my ground with what I hoped was grace, in spite of feeling as if I might implode at any given moment. Slowly, I began to heal. It became easier ( a little ) with time. The poker face has served me well in other occasions. ; )
Nowadays, they make the effort to go the extra mile for me, and they do the heavy lifting. I remain pleasant, graceful, but undeniably cool. I feel respected and they know better than to mess with me. All without uttering a word!
Thank you. I definitely relate to this. My relationship with my husband’s children was very difficult for a few years. Their mother had left him for someone else a few years before I met him. She’d moved to France and I felt that their daughter struggled with this for years. The relationship improved when they were young adults and my husband was hospitalised so they had to phone me regularly. His daughter came to visit so as well as dealing with my own worries I had to look after her and drive her around.
Sadly I have never really trusted her and I know that she is very manipulative. I had experienced her lying to him to his face and then phoning me afterwards when he was so angry that he wouldn’t speak to her.
We actually got married after he recovered and both of his kids now have children of their own. Their mother had married many years before but his daughter still seemed to want them to be together as a ‘family’. I still don’t think of his grandchildren as my grandchildren and we don’t see them very often. His son and his family live in Oxfordshire and his daughter in France with her family. I couldn’t have children and I knew that many years before I met him.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I'm so sorry you went through all that. These situations are incredibly sensitive and complicated. Honoured to hold the space you felt safe to share in.
Beautiful piece Jess and although your step daughter shrugged off the apology, years from now, she will respect you for it. You did right by her and that she will never forget. My cousin married a guy with two kids whom she has become very close to and dove into accepting as her own. Her now husband told her she would never have to deal with his ex 🤦, which of course is a lie/naive bc she will always be the kids mother. Sadly the mother has abused and put the kids in unsafe situations. This has wreaked havoc on my cousin and her marriage. I'll admit when I was dating I always said I'd prefer to not marry a man with children bc I knew depending upon the situation things could be crazy complicated, but also my friend's step dad literally changed her life for the better. It just depends.
This is such a vulnerable and well-written post. I have never experienced being in a blender family, either as a child or as a parent, but I can’t imagine it’s ever easy. I think, if I was ever in the situation of being single and dating again, I would try and keep my dating life and my parent life separate, but who knows what would happen in reality. And I also wouldn’t want to date anyone with children (despite having one of my own 😂).
Thank you for the love and for sharing your perspective. I think it’s such an important topic to discuss and unpick collectively
Beautiful and incredibly written post. After I got divorced, since I don’t have children, I equally never wanted to date anyone with children but it is difficult to find. I met my husband who was 37 at the time and he’d never been married or had children — almost 8 years later we have no plans to have children. I have never been a stepparent but in my 20s I wasn’t sure if I wanted children so never opened myself up to dating someone with them (not to sound preachy at all — you were young and in love and boy, did I make a million dating mistakes at that age including sleeping with my married with children professor at age 22). Your piece was so open and honest and I loved that! Came over here from Things Worth Knowing and you have a new subscriber. 🫶🏻🥰
Welcome Elaine! Very happy you're here and thank you for sharing your story with us. I feel super inspired by it <3
Beautiful reflections, as always. I knew at a very young age that I never wanted children. The adults around me laughed and said, "Just wait." I'm 63 and childless, by choice. I know it was the best decision, for me. That said, I married a man with 2 girls. They were in their early 20's when we met, so, in theory, they were grown and never lived with us. Even though my husband had been separated from his ex for over 3 years when we met, the girls, especially the youngest, was cruel & manipulative toward her dad and expressed a lot of animosity toward me. Fortunately, the ex has never been a part of our married life. I've never met her and the kids never discuss her around us. I've been as kind and accepting as I could and, slowly, over time, the girls have come to accept that I'm not evil incarnate nor do I want to keep them from having a relationship with their dad. I have never wanted nor needed to assume a maternal role. I did recently became a grandmother, though, which is wild. They live quite far away, so it remains to be seen how that relationship will develop.
Great perspective, my spouse is a step parent to my children.
Thank you for sharing your story and experience! I’m a fatherless daughter, and more or less motherless too. While growing up I never had strong maternal instinct especially towards human reproduction, I used to think there was something wrong with me, that I’m selfish, sinful for not wanting to become a human mom, and I used to force myself to like children. Now I am more at peace with this fact, but being Chinese, my culture is extremely judgemental, so I’m still very sinful according to them. My marriage with my husband is childless and it will be forever I think. I remember Oprah once said some of us were born to be aunties, I guess I’m one of those.
This was such a great piece. I can’t identify with the theme of being a step-mum but I was captured by your writing here. In general though, how much we learn as we grow - I look back on younger me and think oh dear what was I thinking? But at the time I didn’t know any better. The acceptance and compassion is hard. x
Our children are a part of us so our relationship with our children is as important as our relationship with ourselves.
So meeting a person- mum or dad with kids I remember this.
It’s no reflection on you if the children are prioritised. It’s the same as if we prioritise good self care.
I wouldn’t want to date anyone who didn’t practice good self care so their relationship with themselves and their children is very telling.
So I think if we manage our expectations around this with a new partner with children it helps and then we can better judge if their availability then gives us enough.
And if we always ensure our own self care is prioritised with self love and self compassion this also ensures that expectations are kept realistic of another.
I find this hard and this is new learning for me in my 50s so I admire your learning on this already.
I have had unrealistic expectations of partners in the past and missed red flags due to the trauma of ‘mother hunger’ which is very difficult to admit.
Our relationship as a daughter with our mother is the blueprint for all other relationship and if this is impacted growing up we need extra self care, love and compassion. So our own ongoing self mothering is essential.
So I remember this with self compassion and give myself the extra care that we deserve and I hope it’ll mean that my next relationship will be healthy and balanced with healthy expectations.
Also in my experience although children will limit emotional availability to some extent- the main thing that has limited his emotional availability is his own personal issues. Not the children xx
Thank you for sharing, what a beautifully candid post on a topic I haven't seen spoken about often. I've gone back and forth on whether I would like children. Feeling the pressure that I should have them. I know in my heart that I'm not maternal and have come to accept that having children isn't for me. I've become braver in stating I'm not going to be having kids when it comes up in conversation about 'when will you be having kids'. I've stopped worrying about other peoples judgements of my I'm not having kids'responses.
In my twenties when I was still battling this decision/judgement mindset, I was dating guys with kids. Now in my thirties and being clear on my response to the kids question, I still have a battle to date in terms of the other side having kids. I don't want to be a step mum, yet like you say in your post, those without kids are dwindling. This is one of two things that makes me insecure about putting myself back out there into the dating pool.
I recently dated a man who had two young children. It was unusual as we are both in our 50s but a lot of what you said resonated. The excuses as away to avoid closeness and commitment. I don’t think I’d do it again. I’m almost 55, I don’t want to be a stepmum. I have my own grown up children.
This is another really beautiful piece of writing, Jess. I'm in awe of how self aware you are and of your honesty in how hard won that has been. Thank you for sharing. I don't have direct experience but still found it a fascinating, well-researched and important post. Xxx
I found this really interesting to read. I’m also 36, married and have a stepson who was 4 when I met my husband and is now 13. We now have him every other weekend but when we first met my husband was having him almost every weekend which threw me in the deep end a bit. I would certainly agree with not knowing exactly what role your meant to play and the part about the ex being a ‘ghost’ in the relationship, she has never had a big issue with me as I came along when they were very much separated however there has been times when she has been incredibly nasty and manipulative and her presence is often felt. It angers me that she can still make my husband feel incredibly guilty for not being at her beck and call all the time when in reality he does and always has done a lot for both of them. I also agree that it’s hard not to wish it were just us two, it affects our finances and every decision we make. We have never been able to book a trip spontaneously or go away for more than 10 days for example. But similarly to what you said about dating again, I know my husband is the wonderful man he is because of having his son. We haven’t had children ourselves and though it is not completely off the table, my husband has made it clear he would rather not but would do it for me (something I made sure of at the very beginning) but which now feels like a big pressure to make a decision. Having already experienced first hand the sacrifices on your freedom and pressure on your relationship children bring (and the tantrums and awful kids parties when they are young!) I find it hard to imagine starting all over again even with our own baby when we feel close to a time of having more freedom. I also don’t have a crystal ball so can never know how I’d feel about having children if I had not been with someone with a child already. Thanks for sharing x