All men leave, I’m not talented & other stories that are ruining my life
The self-fulfilling prophecy & how letting go of our narratives can set us free
Hello you!
What stories do you tell yourself? Not the once upon a time kind but the ones specifically relating to your own life? The ones you hear when you look in the mirror, when an opportunity comes your way or when you find yourself daydreaming. I’m talking about stories like it’s hard for me to make money, I’d love to move abroad but it’s not realistic for people like me or I’m not a stylish person. Those hardwired thoughts and beliefs engrained in our everyday outlook even if they’re not always obvious, perhaps they’re lurking in the shadows.
We all do it. We have core beliefs about ourselves and the narratives we weave into our lives sprout from these stories. They’re important. They usually stem from childhood when we learned how to make sense of the world and keep ourselves safe but they can often be distorted. I have to tell you I am so sick of my distorted stories. They do me no favours. I’ve done enough work in therapy to understand where they come from and that their intent is to keep me safe, but at some point we need to take action if we want to create real change. Some of these stories cause me so much pain. I’m becoming more aware of them than ever and as I get stronger in my sense of self I’m feeling brave enough to challenge them and make some shifts.
The biggest problem with these stories is how relentless they are. Like poison they infiltrate our entire lives and become a self fulfilling prophecy. We’ve written the ending before we’ve given reality a chance to unfold. We self-sabotage to prove ourselves right. We look for evidence to prove what we’re thinking is correct and once we start looking we don’t stop until we find it, even if we have to bend the truth or assume a little to settle our minds.
My dad left when I was 6 months old so it’s easy to figure out where my all men leave classic came from. When it comes to dating I keep guys at a distance for as long as possible because I’m waiting for them to leave. The more I like someone the worse it is, as if I can’t just let myself go and fall. No matter how into me a guy might seem, it only takes the tiniest shift in energy and I write him off. I tell myself he’s met someone else, he’s not interested anymore, I don’t mean anything to him aka he’s going to leave, they all do. This doesn’t play out with me chasing him, the opposite happens - I walk away. I’ll end things prematurely because I’m convinced it’s coming anyway, without even asking him or giving the situation time and space to unfold. In my own twisted world I’m saving myself from inevitable pain by putting distance between us. It doesn’t work though. I’m missing out on the connection I crave and sit alone in pain anyway pining for him. My fear isn’t keeping me safe. It’s keeping me single.
In terms of work life I play out the I’m not talented story. Back in the days of playground dance routines, when the spice girls were at their height of fame, my friends and I were told our routine was rubbish and if we wanted to see what good dancing looked like we should go and watch the other girls. Boys said this of course. The poor things were probably growing up in a very critical house but I didn’t know that at the time and that kind of stuff scars you because as a kid you take it very personally, at least I did. I’ve always held this belief that I’m not talented, that I can enjoy creativity and within reason I can teach myself anything but I’ll never be one of those talented people. This plays out again and again to this day. I’ll self sabotage a project launch because I’ve already written the ending in my head that my work is a joke and will be laughed at. The result is I won’t promote it very much, so less people hear about it and then my story is proven right. Success scares me much more than failure because I expect failure.
It doesn’t end here. I could go on. Other stories in my library include I don’t do well in friendship groups, people aren’t interested in my work and everyone secretly hates me. I’ll stop here because it gets too depressing and there’s good news! There’s a twist. Change is possible. In case nobody ever told you, because nobody ever told me, we get to pen our own story. Our lives aren’t mapped out for us like we so often think. We get to change paths, we get to choose, we have the ability to challenge our thoughts and write a different ending. We have more magic at our fingertips than we realise.
The theory goes that our thoughts affect our feelings. From here our feelings affect our actions and of course it’s our actions that construct our lives. If we change our thoughts we can change the rest purely by the domino effect. It sounds simple enough but I’m finding it takes practice and courage to challenge these old dusty novels we have stored away in our brains. The consequences of not doing so however, as I’m finding out, can be an unnecessary tragedy. We deserve so much more than a life where we break our own hearts. We deserve happy endings.
Some of my favourite stories are the what if plots. You take a character and put them in a what if situation and then watch how life plays out for them. For example, what if our protagonist (YOU!) believed in herself more? What if she believed there was value in her ideas? What if she believed life could work out in a foreign land? Why not? If I can tell myself all men leave why can’t I tell myself not all men leave? Why can’t the story be positive? If negative stories play out, why can’t positive ones play out just as easily? These are the questions I’m pondering on a daily basis lately.
I’ve already rewritten a few previously engrained stories (I’m not enough being the most obvious) and I see no point stopping here. You might start small but you can quickly build momentum. I’m a huge fan of manifestation and lately I’ve been experimenting with turning up as if you’re already where and who you want to be. I’ll notice how different life would be, how different the stories I’d tell myself would be and I’m realising just how much we can self-sabotage at every given step for no logical reason other than it’s the plot line we’re used to.
So next time you catch yourself repeating a negative story try challenging it. You don’t have to go all out with cringey positive affirmations if this isn’t your thing but at least get curious. There’s no point me telling myself men never leave for example but I can find middle ground that feels true enough. I can tell myself not all men leave, I can tell myself my work is valuable.
Imagine you were a talented photographer, a gifted writer, one of those people with a secure attachment style I envy? Whatever it is you’re aching for. How would you show up in the world? What evidence would you look for instead? If any. How would you spend your days? Prioritise your life? Think? How would this affect your actions?
I can’t wait to see where your what if story takes you!
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Yes yes yes. Therapy is such a great start to working through this stuff.
Interestingly I have a secure attachment style, had a great childhood and a loyal husband of 20 years with 2 kids BUT I still suffer from all the over-analysing and self-neurosis and loathing……. Where O where do we get it from?!