365 days of divine feminine energy

The year I explored light amongst the dark, embraced sensitivity as divinity and found the courage to walk through fire

Hello you!

It started with nails. Cliche and a little cringe for me to write to be honest but still, that’s how it was. As soon as I got back from the UK in January I booked myself into a salon for a full set of gel nails. I gave the technician who didn’t speak any English the image I’d pinned on my 2024 vision board and an hour later, poof there they were. Sleek, almond shaped and coated in the colour put it in neutral.

Everything is different with nails! I text my friend. Everything! Typing, reading and even my skin care routine felt more sensual and expressive. I loved them. How ridiculous I thought, that a tiny change could have such a profound effect on me, but it did. And I loved it. Yes, I felt feminine; delicate, soft and happy to have made a start on embodying my word of the year - divine feminine.

At the end of last year I found myself at a cross roads and moving into my first apartment in Paris was the pivotal moment of surrender. Sliding down the kitchen wall into a heap of exhaustion after orchestrating the entire move alone was unforgettable. I’m done, I wept. I knew and still know I can do everything alone. I don’t need anyone - but when you have all you need, life becomes more about what you want. Is this truly it? I wondered. To be a one woman power house of hyper independence? The answer was a clear resounding no. I was tired, lonely and afraid; living in survival mode. My need for control was exhausting, every responsibility weighed heavily on my shoulders and trust was at an all time low. Underneath my hardened shell I was beginning to crack.

When I looked back at what I’d done: leaving my marriage of ten years, moving into my first place alone, untying myself from an abusive narcissist parent and then moving countries, all the while supporting myself with an online business I’d built from scratch - I didn’t know how I’d done it, but I knew I’d had enough. I didn’t want to carry on. I wanted a long rest. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare now, in a new world where I could be my childlike carefree self and enjoy the life I’d taken so many leaps of faith to bring into fruition.

When a way of being isn’t working for us in that it’s not bringing the fulfilment we desire, it’s a clear sign to change course. The great twist of every story is when what the protagonist wants is the opposite of what they need and through many trials they eventually come to realise this. In my own story this looked like feeling curious what would happen if I let go of the need to control and instead lean into the parts of myself I’ve deemed weak and too delicate to embrace for fear they’ll be exploited? Flow, surrender, softness and expression became irresistibly alluring.

After the nails came the books, the list of feminine affirmations to read aloud in the mirror each morning, routines, rituals and a Pinterest vision board to top it off. Then came the lessons, because we don’t get anywhere worthwhile without a little struggle. This is how we grow. There will always be growing pains and I was prepared for this.

I want to reiterate that I never took the view that divine feminine energy is a gender thing. I believe both energies exist within all living bodies but mine simply felt out of balance and I wanted to explore this. I wasn’t even sure what the word really meant to me, but I envisaged a more intuitive, receptive, creative and flowing version of myself. Less controlling. Better boundaries. Ideally more open and relaxed. Comfortable, confident even in my own skin.

The mental resistance was my first difficulty. Female guilt hit me hard. Social conditioning says we’re not allowed to be soft or express desires for being taken care of. These are luxuries to be fantasised over. We’re supposed to be able to take care of ourselves and everyone else too. Divine feminine was the word that give me the ick and I remember sharing that with you back when I decided on it as my word of 2024. I resisted choosing it at all costs, it chose me. I know why now. It was the word I was in desperate need of but not necessarily for the reasons I thought. Survival mode wasn’t doing it for me and yes, it was time to put down my masculine shield, soften and trust - but the real need would present itself much later.

I was risking my comfort zone, or functioning zone where I felt in control and hidden. The pros of this were that I wasn’t exposed so emotionally I believed I was safe and protected. My hopes however were to let in more love, the thing I wanted most, and something had to give.

Key moments of challenge and growth presented themselves pretty quickly and frequently. These looked like:

• Letting a male friend help me discard my Christmas tree and then having the boundaries to make it clear that didn’t mean I wanted to have sex with him

• Falling in love and feeling so terrified of the vulnerability I felt I thought I might die came sooner than I was prepared for even though I’d asked for it

• Being in my body instead of my head most noticeably during photoshoots and ballet was tricky to navigate but with mindfulness practice got easier

• I committed to setting boundaries with people even when I felt afraid of rejection

• Finding my dream apartment to live in and trusting the right one would present itself at the right time (which it did)

• Handling conflict in my feminine with my landlord by choosing to express my emotions instead of fighting him with logic and aggression

• Quitting therapy and taking responsibility for my own healing because I knew it had become a crutch and I was ready to evolve past my trauma instead of circling it with validation from another

Allies during these times were my deep meditation practice using Joe Dispenza’s methods based neuroplasticity research which proves we can fundamentally alter ourselves, my creativity as always and surprisingly not sisterhood but fostering platonic relationships with men. As my energy shifted more towards the feminine I noticed how I was naturally attracting more masculine energy into my life and it was welcome. I needed it to learn to trust them, educate myself on their experience and overcome my deepest fears that they would hurt me.

Then came letting go of my cottage in the UK and everything it represented. August was the hardest month of the year for me and the reason I disappeared from the internet. I needed to retreat and my word of the year gave me permission to do that. I’m not pushing through when I know I need rest I thought. By this point I’d stopped rushing the way I once did and felt attuned to the levels of rest my body needed. Deprivation was no longer an option or a badge of honour to carry around.

I trusted you’d all still be here when I got back, showed up for our writing classes but other than that quietly slipped away. I had some deep dark wounds to tend to and I knew the time had come to walk through the inevitable fire I’d been avoiding so I could truly rise from the ashes. I had to go back so I could move forwards. This was the month I not only felt the pain I’d been trying to suppress and run away from but found gratitude for it because of the strength I realised it’s given me, the strength I built whilst enduring it. There were tears. There were screams. There was surrender. All free from judgement.

I attended my first breathwork class during this month. The opportunity sort of just appeared through synchronicities and I knew I had to go. The vision I had during the session while I laid swaddled in a blanket, eyes closed under a sleep mask and faint smell of incense will stay with me forever. There was a door into an old knotted tree, kind of like the instagram famous one in the cotswolds. I opened the door and little me was running around inside. Her laughter echoed. I was about 7 years old, full of life, imagination and curiosity but too afraid to go outside.

As the vision went on she saw the door was open and looked to me, wide eyed for approval. My eyes filled with tears as I nodded and smiled, told her that she was safe now and it was ok to go outside and play. She was free. Then I wasn’t me, I was her and off I went. Outside now there was a pier, the sun was setting and the water was calm. Sitting on the end of it there he was, the man I’d fallen in love with back in February but run away from because I felt afraid to feel the pain of the wounds his love had shone a light on. He wasn’t him though, he was about 7 years old too. Slowly, I walked over the warm wooden planks, sat down next to him and we held hands, our toes resting on the water. We were at peace.

This was the day I found safety within myself. I surrendered to trust the divine feminine energy I’d been cultivating to keep me safe without the need for my masculine shield. I didn’t need to be protected or saved because I was safe in my own love. I just was and it was ok. My perspective of the whole world shifted, my relationships too and my sense of self. My inner and outer worlds softened in equilibrium.

When I returned to Paris I was changed. My heart was open and my fears of love and the vulnerability it required had subsided. I was able to stop seeing men as the enemy, as my father and started to see them as wounded children just like I was, like we all are. Then I did something slightly nuts and reached out to all my exes in the same week (which is a whole other substack letter I’ll write one day). It was a bit chaotic but it felt lightening to lift the barriers I’d slammed down and feel held in my own energy, my own heart without the need for their validation or approval. Through the closure this experience brought my heart lightened even more. No more running. No more fear.

The greatest letting go happened when I forgave my father for the abuse he inflicted. This was another ethereal visionary moment where I saw him sitting on a bench in the Jardin Du Luxembourg. It wasn’t actually him of course but energetically it was and I was stopped in my tracks by it. I didn’t feel afraid though, I didn’t feel angry - I felt indifferent. I walked over to the bench, acknowledged his energy, closed my eyes and whispered I forgive you. I meant it. And then I walked away. There was no need to sit, to stay or cry. I felt featherlike and I think this was the moment I truly felt myself rise, not out of fighting but out of love and compassion. It was an effortless letting go. A release. It was soft and it was long overdue.

The more I embodied feminine traits like flow, trust and emotional introspection in my every day life the stronger my intuition became. Although I can be hyper independent in many ways I have a tendency to soothe my deeper insecurities externally in that I turn to others for guidance. I’m fascinated by the inner worlds of others, curious to learn from them and adapt their wisdom to my own life. This year has been the year I realised I’m actually quite good at figuring things out for myself and I should look inwards more often. I took a long hard look in the mirror and realised just how much I have done alone; building a secure financial portfolio, finding an apartment in Paris where I don’t speak the language and I was happily married for ten years. External advice is always interesting to explore but never forget how much you already know and how attuned your intuition is to what you need. Nobody knows what’s best for you better than you. The trick is knowing the difference between fear and intuition, which is a skill I’m still mastering.

Applying these lessons in everyday life now is a new way of being. Energy has become central to my whole existence and I’m very aware of it, both internally and externally. It’s become a priority to nurture my inner world constantly so that my external world will reflect the fruits of this labour. I no longer rush. I don’t react the way I used to. I’m able to pause and sit with my emotions instead of exploding like a firework when triggered. If I focus on inner stillness and fulfilment the rest takes care of itself.

My work has changed. I don’t create from a place of pain like I used to. I create from a more centred place of reflection and childlike joy. My body feels so good for being pampered, nails included. The time and money I spend on this is of no regret. It’s not about being compliment worthy, it’s about feeling good because I deserve to. My relationships feel calmer and more balanced now my inner world is calmer. There’s a lot of trauma I’ve been able to work through by nurturing myself from the compassionate divine feminine energy and my outer world is reflecting that now. My panic attacks have stopped, I can regulate my nervous system in a way I didn’t know how to before and I can see the changes in my face and body on YouTube videos as well as photos. Confidence and expression is emerging. I’m opening and it feels good because it feels authentic.

The feminine is not about being worshipped for being a goddess, it is living from a place where validation and self-worth comes from within. Ego is dropped. It is being over doing. Loving free from conditions. I’ve learned femininity isn’t weakness it’s strength, a kind of emotional strength the masculine cannot embody. We have to feel so we can heal and this is how we emerge from the ashes stronger. This was my greatest lesson in 2024 and one I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life.

So yes it started with nails because I thought I wanted to feel more delicate and classically feminine, but it ended with what I truly needed, that of nurture and healing that can only come from the love and compassion the divine feminine energy exudes. This is her true strength. This is her power and her allure. Make no mistake, love always wins.

What was your word of the year? How did it change you?

We’re having a word of the year and vision board workshop soon and if you’d like to join us you can find out more here.

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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