Five huge friendship red flags
How to change those you surround yourself with for the better
Hello you!
So many of us are struggling with loneliness, making and maintaining friends.
We grew up watching Sex and the City dreaming of finding our ‘there for us no matter what’ twin flames but by the time we reach our 30s groups have been established and break offs have occurred due to marriages, children or long distance moves. Throw in 21st century living where we’re expected to live to work, connection is becoming harder thanks to all the time we spend online (often scrolling curated perfect versions of friendship) - and well, it can be a bit of a climb when it comes to making healthy long lasting friends. But still, as humans we’re hard wired to connect and so we keep venturing out into the field.
Friendships are just as important as romantic relationships, arguably more so, and they have a positive impact on our health as well as humanity overall - so they’re worth investing in.
Moving to a new country has meant having to make new friends. Last year, with connection as my word of the year I opened myself up like never before. Traditionally I’ve been a small circle kind of person but post divorce and big life change I felt ready for what the universe wanted to send my way. This turned out to be a lot of new friend dates whether that was via Instagram, bumble bff or a real life meet cute. My heart and life were open to newness. Deep nourishing long lasting friendships were what I hoped for.
Making friends has always been easy for me as a people pleaser but my personal pattern is falling into relationships where I struggle to set boundaries and feel accepted for who I am. I often end up feeling taken advantage of, resentful for how much I give and how much they’re willing to take. Then comes the inability to get out of such relationships because I never want to hurt someone’s feelings and often psychoanalyse why they are the way they to justify toxic traits. I’ve gotten a little wiser as I’ve got older as well as reflective of my own behaviour in the past and as such I wanted to share what I now consider the 5 big red flags in a potential new friend.
Never underestimate the impact of those around you. Who we surround ourselves with shapes who we are and has an enormous impact of our vibration, self-esteem, potential and fulfilment in life. These are the things to look out for and once spotted, give serious consideration as to whether this is the kind of energy you want in your life. Unless someone is willing to look in the mirror or are actively doing the inner work to change, the likelihood of them doing so is impossible.
They don’t clap when you win - the strained look of a forced smile because you got the job of your dreams, the lack of response when you tell them how good it feels to finally find someone you enjoy spending time with. These are all signs this so called friend isn’t happy for us. Perhaps you feel the need to conceal happy news from them in case they get upset, make a snide remark or have their own little way of ruining any happiness you express in front of them to the point where you feel guilty about it, sorry for them or question your emotions. There are sensitive topics that can feel triggering of course but a healthy person will always be happy for you when good things happen and they will be able to separate their own lack, insecurity or longing from this.
They have a track record of drama - Maybe they got ghosted by their previous friends, as well as the friends before that. Bad luck follows them around and they’ve had a rough time of it over and over with friendships. These stories can quickly draw an empathic person in, believing only the version in front of us when in fact there are always three sides to a story - theirs, the other person’s and the truth. People with a track record of drama, especially if they want you to know all about it, usually attract it and moving forwards you can expect your relationship with them to be no different.
They trash talk other people - the way someone talks about others to you is the way they will speak to others about you. Paying attention to patterns in terms of how people discuss friends, family and lovers in public can tell you a lot about that person. My grandad used to tell me, ‘we can’t hide who we really are Jessica’ and he was right. We give ourselves away constantly if the other person knows what to look for. Is everything always the other person’s fault? Do they share intimate details that should be kept private or that were perhaps shared in secret or trust? The big question to ask is how would you feel if you were being discussed this way?
They lack empathy - at its core empathy is the ability to put ourselves in another person’s position and relate to how a situation might feel for them. It’s being able to think outside of our own realm and experience. Those who don’t posses such a skill are at best self-conceited and at worst downright dangerous. They will never see a situation from your perspective, make you feel seen or take responsibility in disputes. This makes a healthy connection, where two people need to feel seen valued and heard, impossible.
They take more than they give - do they always let you pick up the tab? Expect you to come to their place? Drive? Pay for the Ubers? Healthy balanced relationships contain both give and take. This can be tricky when there’s a natural imbalance of free time, money or energy available but we know when this is being managed in a healthy way because we still feel supported and willing to support. There is no resentment. Even if you are a natural giver and prefer to offer your friendship selflessly, a good friend will take the reins too because they don’t want to feel like they’re taking advantage of you.
Did I miss any? I’d love to hear what your friendship red flags are or your experience of seeing these I’ve mentioned in others and how you handled it.
Never forget you deserve to be surrounded by good loving people, and they are out there I promise. Don’t settle for anything less. Get to know people slowly. We can’t hide who we truly are and true colours will become clear soon enough. Strong connections take time to build and there is no rush. For those who, like myself can struggle to walk away from such situations, the answer is always to set boundaries. When we set boundaries, healthy people respect them and the toxic fall away.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
I would add beings selfish. Some people care only about themselves. They don't want to listen you. There is always "I,me,my...etc"
Ouf! What a great one Jessica!
The first one, in my opinion, is a tell-tell sign that something is off in the friendship. I'm so glad I have the most encouraging friends around me (one even bought me a t-shirt with the sentence «Ce livre ne s'écrira pas tout seul» (This book will not write itself) when I signed my first book deal) and I establish a weekly celebrations chat via messenger (my friends are almost all long-distance) to cheer together and be proud of ourselves <3