Hello you!
My word of the year for 2023 was connection. It was born out of solitude. I had suffered so much trauma, so many unspeakable things I was living in a purely internal world, one I was too afraid to let anyone into. I feared they wouldn’t understand let alone be able to offer me any kind of support. In true avoidant fashion I retreated to solitude to regulate my nervous system, but I wasn’t happy there. My internal world can only satisfy me so much. I am human. I’m wired for creativity and I’m wired for connection just like you. I was suffering from heartbreak, ptsd and grief. I wasn’t broken, but my wings were damaged. I was injured. I needed to reconnect with the world again, deepen existing connections, make new ones and forge a path forward for myself in order to grow. To heal.
In a world where it’s easier than ever to connect with another human, how is it so many of us report feelings of loneliness, otherness and being on the outside? This was a question I felt curious to explore both from my own point of view and that of others.
Brene Brown’s definition of connection is ‘the energy that exists between two people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive strength and sustenance from the relationship.’
This quote has been in front of me every single day of 2023 as it sits central on my vision board which is my laptop wallpaper. I’ve studied it and kept it close to my heart, tried my best to live by it on a daily basis, trusting it will guide me in the direction I wanted to go. This is what I’ve learned from my year of connection.
Accepting who and where we are is how we begin - The first thing I accepted was that I've known very little indeed about love, relationships and connections. I’ve spent the majority of my life afraid of them. I still am afraid of them - but as they say knowledge is power and the more I learn the less afraid I feel because the more I understand. Discovering my attachment style was a game changer in this sense. Realising I had a disorganised attachment style, why and how to overcome it gave me the awareness and the tools to make changes to my behaviour, learn to trust and let go of my hard wired beliefs I thought were keeping me safe. If you’d like to uncover your attachment style I can’t recommend this quiz enough, as well as the book attached.
Connection takes time - I used to think connections were instant and obvious, movie like I guess - both the romantic and platonic. It turns out chemistry and connection are two very different things but easily misinterpreted. Chemistry is what occurs quickly when we see ourselves in another or our core wounds are being triggered. This person may remind us of someone familiar like a parent or ex lover, even if that person wasn’t healthy for us. As humans we’re designed to feel attracted to the familiar despite whether that is painful or not. We perhaps feel we have a lot in common early on when meeting. There are lots of me too moments. Connection happens when those two people continue to show up for one another over a sustained period of time in a healthy way, when it’s inconvenient, when there is conflict, when real vulnerability or emotional risk is required.
Connection takes effort - To connect with someone we have to show up for them. We also have to show up for ourselves. We cannot live on autopilot and expect connections to develop past the point of surface level interactions which will only satisfy our longing so much. We have to engage in self-reflection as well as give people our time and attention in order to receive the same in return so connections can not only be maintained but also grow. Relationships aren’t easy for us because of the effort they require. They’re not linear either, there’s no blueprint and they’re not easy to simplify because they’re made up of two humans with different life experiences and complex emotions. In a world where we can easily access ‘the ultimate guide to’ with a quick google or chatgpt search, human connections speak a very different language and it’s one we’re not only in danger of losing, but we’re all feeling the threat of losing through our loneliness. Human connection is the one thing AI will never be able to replace.
Connection requires vulnerability - To be vulnerable is to take emotional risk or rest in emotional uncertainty, to truly listen to another person. We have to find balance in the art of allowing parts of ourselves to be seen and paying attention to the other person. We have to believe what the other is saying without letting our own interpretation based on our version of reality get in the way. The hardest part of my year has been conflict within friendships. Historically I would have done one of two things in these situations; lied or run away. This year I’ve faced conflicts head on and my connections have solidified as a result. When connections deepen there will always be conflict. The secret to a happy marriage is said to be the ability to argue well.
We only have so much time and energy for connection - Our time is our most precious resource because it’s the one thing we cannot make more of. It’s limited and up to us to choose where we spend it. Robin Dunbar’s book Friends has been key reading for me around connection after initially terrifying me with the statement loneliness can literally kill us. I’ve never picked up the phone and dashed to a friend’s house for dinner so quickly. His theory that we can only maintain 150 relationships and by that he means people we’d send a Christmas card to fascinated me. His research around how many connections we can manage on a daily, weekly, monthly and yearly basis helped me organise who went where in terms of the ripple effect with our intimate friends (family included) sitting in the smallest ripple and people we know casually sitting in the largest. This allowed me to allocate my time in a more logical way. Noticing people drift our of close circles was painful but such is the flow of human connections. They’re fluid and ever changing just like us.
The most important connection you have is with yourself - every other connection is reflective of this. Our outer world reflects our inner world. The more we understand ourselves the more we can understand others. I remember this being the most bizarre experience shortly after starting therapy. I started seeing other people in a completely different light than I used to. I’d wonder why they were the way they were instead of judging them, realising I was not the centre of the universe and all our behaviour is in fact much more about us than about others. The more we accept ourselves the more we can accept others and in the beautiful words of my friend Cait, keep our hearts soft and open. This is essential if we’re to let sustained connection in.
Our individualistic society has a lot to do with our loneliness - The more I’ve learned about connection the more I’ve noticed how saturated the mainstream online world is of the self whether that’s self-improvement, self-development or self-love. I’ve found the most important connection is the one you have with yourself however this is so you can connect better with others. Connection begins with ourselves but it doesn’t end there, it’s barely begun. It’s a gift to know another person. I don’t believe we can ever truly know someone’s internal world but even to get a peek inside is a privilege and most of us are so wrapped up in our own world we don’t realise this. We naturally interpret everything we encounter according to our own reality. Connection therefore takes work, but not just from us - it’s a two way street and both have to be willing to walk it. Countries who report the highest levels of happiness always sight a strong sense of community as one of the reasons. Individualism does not satisfy our basic human need for connection and belonging.
Connection is as much about the other person as it is about us, if not more - We cannot feel seen without first seeing ourselves and then seeing another free from judgement. Receiving kindness is how we feel encouraged to reciprocate. We all want to feel loved, accepted, seen and heard but we can feel afraid to give it. We need not be. It’s ok to be the one who opens the door to connection, calls, texts first and asks to make plans. This is something I personally struggle with and have tried hard to work on this year. I’ve still got a long way to go with it but I have realised that while rejection will sting it won’t kill us. In fact, the more rejections we accumulate the quicker we’re said to find connections that are meaningful, reciprocated and sustainable. Giving what we want most in the world is always a good place to start. If this is love and connection then giving as much away as possible without expecting anything in return is how we begin. If we’re the people pleasing type then of course it’s important to be aware of boundaries here.
We’re all struggling - It’s easy to feel like others aren’t bothered about us, we’re weird and nobody would accept us as we are, our friends don’t have time for us the way they used to or we don’t have time for them anymore. My friend Hannah always says two things can be true at the same time and I think this applies perfectly in this instance. It’s hard to maintain connections under perfect conditions let alone in the times we live in right now. People are overworked, sleep deprived, expecting more of themselves than ever and pushed to remain on the hamster wheel of striving for more without ever reaching their goal because we’re told no amount is enough. We can crave connections and feel time poor. We can feel lonely and also afraid to connect. I don’t have the answers, I wish I did, but I do think knowing this relieves any pressure, makes us feel less alone and gives us a base line to begin from.
So what’s changed in my year of connection? A lot. I now live in another country, I’ve made more new friends this year than ever before and deepened existing friendships beyond what I thought I was capable of. My relationship with my mother is the best it's ever been and I feel less afraid of myself, of what I want and who I am - both my shadows and my light. I feel more understanding of others, less judgemental and I take things less personally now. I feel more comfortable expressing my boundaries, needs and feelings to someone too.
One of the greatest mysteries I’ve pondered this year was my idea to go to Paris for a month in February. Why and where did such a clear idea come from accompanied with a feeling I couldn’t ignore? Was it my desire to run away? The universe guiding me towards my fate? Something random I’d seen on Instagram? By the time I returned to the UK to spend Christmas with my family I’d figured out the answer.
Living in Paris has cracked my life, my mind and my heart wide open. Only after experiencing this has it become clear that part of me knew I needed distance from my pain, beauty, pleasure - and well there’s only one place in the world you go for all of that. Seriously, where else was a hopeless romantic writer who’ll do just about anything for the story going to end up? It’s borderline cliche. I’m ending the year full of gratitude to Paris and all the beautiful souls that live in her I’ve had the pleasure of meeting this year. Life hasn’t always been pretty but it’s been nothing short of magical. Myself now is so grateful to myself a year ago. Terrified but hopeful me who had an idea, a feeling and knew that somehow she had to follow it.
I’m wondering what yourself in a year from now will be grateful to yourself now for?
Merry Christmas loves and happy new year! Thank you for all your love and support this year. The most significant external connection I feel I’ve made this year has been with you and I could’t feel more honoured. I’m so excited to see what next year holds for this little corner of the internet of ours.
If you’d like to figure out your word of the year for 2024 together you can join our live word of the year workshop next week on 4 January. Hopefully see you there!
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
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