You can’t be the old you and the new you at the same time

A story about fear and how to overcome it

Hello you!

A dead bird.

Broken glass.

Endings.

When would they come? Who would they involve? What would be the why? These were the questions I began to ponder.

In the two weeks that followed my phone was stolen, I broke up with my boyfriend and decided to give up my home in the UK. Yesterday I was accepted for a new apartment in my dream location in Paris and on Saturday a long term career dream will come to fruition.

Two things can be true at the same time. We can both throw open the window to what we want and feel terrified when it’s let in.

It’s been a lot. I’m struggling.

The responsibility lies wholly on my shoulders. I’ve been manifesting all of this - sort of. The feeling I’ve been working with lately on an energetic level is fear. My morning meditation practice has gone up a gear and I’m now spending 30 minutes first scanning my body to increase presence, then accepting the person I’ve been, before surrendering her and visualising the alternatives I want. Intense right?!

Fear was the one thing I isolated as to what’s been holding me back, blocking everything I’ve been dreaming of and feeding my negative self-beliefs. Fear of the unknown, of love, success and of being seen. Wanting all of it of course but equally terrified because deep down I still have a lot of self-love to cultivate and a Jessica who’s deeply loved authentically, is alien to me.

Walking away from him felt like cutting off my own arm. I was in love. I am in love. But love isn’t always enough. A man who can’t meet your needs will only bring pain into your life is the story I know all too well. Or perhaps he’s right and I’m too afraid to try, creating endless reasons to run away. Maybe I’m afraid I don’t deserve more. To let someone love you is a brave thing indeed, but to choose yourself can require even more bravery.