When you get called out on your toxic traits and they’re actually right
Accepting our flaws and committing to working on them is the only way to truly grow and become a better person
Hello you!
So, what do you want? It feels safe to say we all want a happier, more fulfilling life but what about wanting to be a better person not just for ourselves but also for others? Surely this is the more selfless approach to life and a more fulfilling one. Esther Perel famously assures us that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives, and I can totally see where she’s coming from. But how can we have quality relationships when all we’re doing is focusing on ourselves? What if we’re the problem? And if we are, what are we doing about it?
Our shift towards individualisation has become self-obsession and it’s hard to know where to draw the line. We’re so busy psychoanalysing ourselves via instagram therapists and striving for our best life we forget that no matter how much we work on setting boundaries, cutting out the toxic and doing what’s right for us, it takes two to tango and juicy relationships are where it’s at in terms of life satisfaction. For fellow people pleasers it’s great to come home to yourself, to your needs and cut out the toxic, but I’m learning it isn’t that simple.
A few weeks I was called out for being out of touch, resistant to criticism and and an all round phoney. Ouch. Fast forward past the everyone hates me and I’m a horrible person downward spiral and I felt able to take a slightly more mature, grounded view. I also saw that people had a point. I do find it hard to take criticism and I’m not the best when people disagree with me. I get defensive and truth be told I like things my own way. I feel a primal need to protect myself when I feel under attack like this and instead of talking the problem out or compromising I go into shut down mode, locking myself away from the potential of pain.
Hearing things we don’t like about ourselves or we’re already insecure about is awful. It makes us cringe understandably. Closing ourselves off and opting to self-soothe is a healthy choice in some cases, but unless we’re talking outright abuse this isn’t a progressive path to connection, which so many of us crave. As such we end up self-sabotaging the thing we want the most by refusing to open ourselves up to vulnerability and communication. My relationships and the theme of connection in general has been a big focus for me this year and as such I decided to open myself up a little bit, take a deep breath and have a long honest look in the mirror. I feel privileged to know myself well enough thanks to plenty of talking therapy to do some self-analysis and try to understand why I react this way in the hope of changing it, so I can be a better person.
Although I believe we can inherit generational trauma, I’m not of the belief that any of us are born bad. I think we’re a product of our environment, our upbringing and we are the way we are for a reason. I believe there is always a reason for our behaviour and I could well be wrong but four years of self-reflective professional therapy down the road I don’t believe in coincidences. That being said, despite how horrific our early years were, as adults we have a responsibility to do our own healing and not project all our pain onto others through toxic behaviour, but this can be much easier said than done. None of us are perfect, we’re all flawed and it can be hard to see our blind spots, especially when current culture is feeding us a stream of focus on yourself content.
I grew up as a sort of only child as my sister didn’t live with us, so sharing and considering others naturally felt out of my comfort zone by default. I’ve worked on this a lot over the years but old patterns and habits die hard, especially when we’re triggered and we go into survival mode. I also grew up in a highly critical environment where I interpreted love was something I had to earn, not something I was given freely or unconditionally.
My emotions weren’t validated as a child, especially the negative ones and I learnt that to get my needs met I had to be a ‘good girl’, well behaved and self-sufficient so I didn’t cause any bother. As love was given conditionally, it could just as easily be taken away and this was very painful for me, hence the trauma it caused. These are understandings about myself I’ve worked through in therapy and I’m well versed in by now, but this is the important part - they’re not excuses. We have to own our wounds, our pain and accept them to move past them. There is never an acceptable excuse to behave in a toxic way or disrespectfully towards others, and although we like to think of ourselves as perfect Pollyannas (of course we do!), we’re not and this is harming our ability to forge the deep connections so many of us are are starving for.
So what’s the answer to our toxic traits now we’ve established we all have them and that’s normal and there’s always a reason? Being open to what’s true, being compassionate with both ourselves and others and being committed to becoming a better person wouldn’t go a miss. This takes bravery and pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone now and then. There’s a balance to be found between being too quick to criticise ourselves unfairly and refusing to see ourselves from another person’s perspective.
Our ability to deal with criticism in a constructive way rests on our ability to exercise boundaries. The best description of boundaries I’ve ever read is that of Terry Real’s in his life changing audiobook, Fierce Intimacy, which I’d recommend anyone who wants to improve their relationships listens to. He likens boundaries to that of an orange. There’s internal boundaries which are our responsibility not to project onto others and then external which is what we allow to permeate our skin. We have responsibility for both. If we want to be better people the number one ground rule is treating anyone and everyone we come into contact with with respect. We also have a responsibility to ourselves not to absorb false truths that will damage and distort our self-esteem.
More often than not we know when something someone is accusing us of is true or not and if in doubt we can ask those we trust, and only those we trust. This is how my wobble played out for me. I asked my mum and she was kind enough to tell me the truth about my heightened sensitivity to criticism and always wanting things my own way. It wasn’t easy to listen to but I knew she was right and I took it on the chin, for the benefit of myself and for others. This is what I want. I don’t just want things for myself, I want to be better for others too and I’m willing to do the necessary uncomfortable work to get there. To do this I know need to look in the mirror, and that’s tough, that takes courage - but the deeper connections I’m hoping for in return feel worth it.
So what are your toxic traits? Care to admit to any? It’s ok if not, but what are you doing to work on them?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx