What my year of healing has taught me
First comes discomfort, then acceptance and eventually growth
Hello you!
My word for 2022 was healing. This is what I decided would guide me from where I was this time last year to where I wanted to be by now. Last Christmas I knew it was up to me to rescue myself from a dark place of feeling lost, broken and hopeless and bring myself into the light where I could feel peaceful, empowered and hopeful. Am I there? Mostly, yes - 2022 has been good to me and I’ve come a long way. When you realise nobody is coming to save you, an inner strength starts to whisper your name. You accept it’s up to you to climb out of the well you found yourself in and be your own light in the dark. Survival kicks in and you start to fight. You realise just what you’re capable of and it’s more than you ever imagined.
The word healing has so many connotations. It makes me think of spiritual retreats, hospitals, instagram therapists and broken hearts. We’ve all had to heal at one point or another, but emotional healing is very different to the physical kind. When we have a physical injury our body takes over and naturally does what’s required. Yes we can help it along with rest, good medical care but mostly our wounds seal, the bleeding stops and our bones fuse. We’re also well versed in how to tackle this kind of healing. Emotional wounds are still a mystery to the majority. These wounds tend not to get the same level of attention, care or empathy we give to our physical health, and what a shame this is because the two exist on a spectrum at any given time and both deserve equal weight. There is no more shame in a broken spirit or heart than there is in a broken leg, yet we see it as more of a weakness.
I recently learned the body’s natural response to bot physical and emotional trauma is depression. I felt this response deeply in my body following my own trauma and I knew I had to heal so I could grow. This healing in the hope growth would follow, because I want good things for myself, is what I’ve committed to these last 12 months. I had a lot more to heal than I thought. The way we heal emotionally is to first protect ourselves from what’s hurting us so no more damage is done and then feel and process the pain causing the wound left behind. It’s not for the faint hearted. Now I can confidently say I’ve been to the deepest darkest parts of myself I’ve always felt too afraid to and given them the attention, care and compassion they deserved. It’s the bravest thing I’ve ever done and by far the most painful. It had better be worth it!
Here’s what I’ve learned along the way out of the shadows.
There is a fatigue point with healing
Having an appetite for self-awareness, growth and discovery can feel exciting; addictive even but there comes a point when there’s nowhere left to dig. There’s no linear path to follow and sometimes you find yourself taking steps back instead forwards which can be frustrating, but there does come a point of fatigue. I’ve been to the centre of my own earth, my very core and looked at every part of myself I’d previously been too afraid to. For now I’m done. Enough is enough. It’s time for good experiences, a break from therapy and all that wading around in the darkness. I’m ready to move forwards with a positive mind and an open heart. Life can’t always be sunshine and rainbows but it shouldn’t always be dark clouds and rain either. There’s a balance to be found.
You might need to break to grow
It’s the thing we’re all too afraid to do - break, to let it all go and surrender to the pain so we can process it out of our bodies. We’d rather carry on, ignore what hurts, block it out or distract ourselves with addiction whether that be work, shopping, food, alcohol or sex. These are all temporary reliefs but long term we’re stuck carrying around the same wounds. Unless we heal them, they don’t go away and no matter how well we think we’re suppressing the feelings that scare us, one way or another they’re coming out sideways - usually via projection onto those we care about the most or by sabotaging ourselves. Either way nobody wins. Breaking looks different for all of us but every Phoenix needs ashes to rise from and embracing discomfort is how we rebuild ourselves better and stronger than before.
Great things happen when you take care of yourself
Women especially are praised for being selfless and putting everyone else before themselves. What utter rubbish this is. I’ve been a better friend, daughter and creator as a result of focusing on myself. My year of healing has led to a firm new belief that our outer world reflects our inner world and only we can curate what’s on the inside. Moreover we have a responsibility to ourselves and to others to curate the best version of ourselves possible, even though this can feel uncomfortable. Focusing on healing has resulted in more intimate friendships, deeper connections with my family and my most profitable work year yet.
Acceptance is the hardest part
My vision board for 2022 had an equation for healing on it. Healing = discomfort then acceptance and finally growth. I found this to be true but acceptance is definitely where I struggled the most. This is where I met the most stubborn parts of myself, the parts that didn’t want to let go, that didn’t want to feel the pain necessary to grow, to feel the essential grief that comes with goodbyes. Accepting no matter how perfect we try to be our parents will never be able to love us the way we want, needed or deserved, that what we experienced wasn’t our fault or no amount of external validation will ever make up for the internal validation we so desperately need is tough, but without acceptance we can’t let go and move on.
Healing is what ultimately sets us free
For me, freedom is real wealth. I have no interest in a life that feels constrained, whether that means being tied to a business I can’t take time away from or being saddled with a partner who makes me feel trapped. For the first time in my adult life I feel free and it’s taking some getting used to. There are times when I don’t know what to do with it, where I catch myself rein-acting old patterns out of habit. I know I’ve created this freedom for myself by facing my fears, trusting my intuition and working on healing my inner child. The smaller my fear of abandonment wound becomes the less likely I am to people please, allow my inner critic to drive my behaviour or get sucked into a toxic trauma bond. I’m still very much a work in progress but the glimmers of living from a place of enough, of abundance and self-assurance are becoming more frequent and they feel liberating.
This has been the year my entire childhood finally made sense to me; my mum’s adhd, my dad’s inability to love and why - and I’m ready to not necessarily leave it behind because I’ll always carry that little person inside me who felt this trauma so deeply - but I’m ready to move on. I’m ready to stop digging, analysing, questioning and searching in the past, let go of the shame and self-blame. I’m ready to look to the future and it feels so exciting! Enthusiasm however has only shown its face following acceptance, the hardest phase, but I’m determined to hang onto it. This was also the year I accepted I made the right decision ending my marriage, gave it one last try so I could walk away knowing I’d done everything I could and finally accept it was over. Peppered throughout the year have been the most precious memories I’ve made with my friends, the true loves of my life. In the end it’s also been the year that saw me (tentatively) open myself up to dating and realise I’ve done enough healing that I have something to offer another again. I’m left feeling like if I can heal from the horrors of malignant narcissistic abuse, I can do anything - and that feels very empowering indeed.
I can’t end a year in review without mentioning Enough. 2022 will always be the year my first book was published. I’m so grateful to everyone who’s bought a copy, given it to a loved one, left a review, shared it online or sent me a DM to let me know it helped them or made them feel seen. If this was you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you - you made my dream come true.
I’m curious what your word of the year was? How has it helped you? What did you learn from it this year?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
My word was "lighter." I wanted to deal with what was weighing me down, do what felt lighter. I tend to carry this constant fear, worry, not-enough-ness. This is a work in progress and I think that I will keep this word for 2023 as well. It sums up my goals these days, to get on with things, to live my best life, to feel joy, peace. Thank you for all that you share.
Dearest Jessica I heard in your voice how difficult it has been to start, and continue your healing progress. I admire your honesty when you speak- another hard thing to do. I hope that you remain strong and your progress along the positive road is uplifting. My very best wishes, Ali Dawson.