Hello you!
‘Did I do something wrong?’
’Hey, no absolutely not! You’re great. We could have had fun together for a few nights but then I would have run away’
‘In that case…thank you for being gentle with my heart’
A few weeks later I was waving him off down the Seine on a date with another girl. We’d been to Père-Lachaise cemetery together beforehand. He thought I’d like it. He was right. That was the day he gave me his phone number and told me to call him any time day or night if I ever got into trouble in Paris. The most important part of this memory is I could tell he meant it, that he’d actually pick up the phone and help me. I put a little Italian flag emoji next to his name and he put a Union Jack next to mine. This was the moment, I felt, we became friends. It certainly fits with the definition of friendship according to Robin Dunbar - someone you would do a favour for and would do you a favour in return. I only learnt that this year, in my year of connection.
Raff has turned into the guy I dreamed about meeting in Paris, but without the romantic element. He’s someone I can spend quality time with and do so regularly. We walk by the Seine until midnight talking about love, life and relationships. We sit by the Canal Saint-Martin eating street food. He invites me out with his friends. We go to cemeteries to look at the graves of famous dead people. We sit outside cafes and laugh for hours. With the boundary drawn around our relationship being purely platonic before we actually met in real life the dynamic is simple and in many ways it’s better. It’s certainly better than the way he told me things would go had we dated.
When I matched with Raff I felt something significant. This happens to me a lot. When I meet someone who is important in my life I won’t always say it out loud but I know it instantly. It’s a very powerful feeling and I never forget where I first saw them or how I felt. I knew he was going to be important to me, or at least he could be. ‘I haven’t heard you this excited in a while’ my best friend Jess said to me when I called to give her the details of this Libra Italian guy I’d met on Hinge. ‘I know but I’m telling you this is something, I just don’t know what’.
We spoke every day for two weeks before I arrived in Paris for my month long trip. I was crushed when he told me he didn’t want to meet once I was actually in the same city as him. I was so crushed I cried. Yes I cried over a guy I hadn’t even met but in my defence I was alone in a foreign country and was feeling pretty fragile. Still, it wasn’t my finest hour and it’s the only time it’s ever happened but it did happened and I don’t mind telling you the truth. I didn’t tell him. He still doesn’t know that detail, unless he’s reading this.
Another love affair began soon enough and Raff faded away.
We reconnected when I got back to the UK. ‘Maybe when you come back to Paris we could get a coffee as friends?’ He asked. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was missing out on the end to this story - so meet we did.
I recognised him straight away. What first struck me was how much younger he was in real life vs the version I had in my head. Dressed in baggy jeans, a black t-shirt and canvas trainers he looked almost feral or at least like he’d had a late night and recently rolled out of bed. He had thick dark hair with a slight curl, chocolate button eyes covered with a pair of sunglasses and when he recognised me too he smiled at me as if he’d just said something really funny. We went for coffee in my favourite cafe at Place Des Vosges. The time passed quickly and the conversation was exactly what I imagined it would be. There was substance to it, we weren’t pretending or trying to impress one another. After our coffee we went shopping for curtains. It felt really nice, normal even. He got on a bike home and I went to check out of my airbnb and move into my new place. ‘I’m so happy we met’ he said before we parted ways, ‘me too’ I replied.
My favourite thing about my meeting with Raff is how we went from the potentially romantic to the platonic and how much better that has been for both of us. Romantically it would have been a disaster but as friends we’re a great fit. He didn’t think we’d have much in common in the beginning but I knew that wasn’t true and feel pretty smug I’ve been proven right.
Being friends with straight guys isn’t something I’m good at. I was in school but afterwards I had very little interest in having any male friends. It’s lovely to have one now. His perspective adds colour to the girl chat. If I want a guy’s opinion, Raff is the first I call on. He’ll always be open and tell me the truth. He’s is the guy I go to for advice. He’s the one who gives me the language I lack when it comes to telling guys, ‘what you did was problematic and I think you should think about it.’
I never expected to make friends on dating apps. Our connection was most unexpected but has been the best I’ve made so far and definitely lasted the longest. My friendship with Raff has taught me that connections aren’t linear or predictable. There is an ideal pathway for connections to form, slowly and consistently but there is also the less spoken about rupture and repair. People can come into our lives with one intention and end up sticking around as something totally different. Raff was always supposed to be a romantic connection in my life but turned out to be platonic and I get more out of our connection because sex is off the table. I can talk to him as I would any other friend. We always had a connection, and this was clear from even before we met, but I never imagined I’d be getting a new friend.
Having the courage to tell me the truth about how he felt meant I could respect him. Sure it hurt at the time but I got over it. This was the kind of strength I was looking for in a guy, emotional strength. The way things played out with Raff and I showed me how important it is to try and find the courage to be honest with one another (because such a thing does require a lot of courage) and that there is kindness in honesty as my friend Cait always points out when I feel the need to brush over the truth for fear of hurting someone. When there’s honesty we can build trust and respect and the friendship I’ve got is one I feel I’ll be feel grateful for, for many years.
The romantic ideal and expectation is we find our everything in one person but I don’t believe this is either possible or healthy. I think it’s too much pressure, unrealistic and unsustainable. For me, and I’m well aware of my single girl bias here, my friendships are the pillars of my life and far more important than any romantic relationship I’ve ever had or expect to have. These are the relationships I nurture and prioritise regularly because I know they’re the most significant.
What do you think? If you really like someone is it better to be friends than date them? Have you ever experienced unexpected connections too?
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Loads to share … having a married man as a trusted friend … cultivated over Facebook and WhatsApp .. bonus in my 35 years of married life.
Amazing. We put way too much pressure on romantic relationships. We live as if they are the only/main ones. And as though our happiness is dependant upon that one person. What about dating ourselves? Something i did last last year. I had no idea until I did how much fun I was to be around. I never saw what my friends did in me until that point. It was the best dating experience of my life!