*trigger warning - this week’s letter contains reference to sexual violence.
Hello you!
Last week I was sitting in the airport departure lounge and I couldn’t hold back the tears. I felt so alone. There was a time, not too long ago, it seemed I was getting everything I thought I ever wanted - a dad and a husband who both loved me. Staring at the planes waiting to take off I whispered, now I have neither. I have nothing. It was one of those monumental moments where you feel everything and nothing all at once, you can see yourself from above. How did I get here? And where am I going next? Then I reminded myself of the words of a friend who’d said maybe that was exactly the way it was meant to be.
I once read an Ariel Levy essay that said at some point we have to accept the life we’ve got, and then make the best of it. Her words circled me and I understood each one intimately. They were everything I needed to hear before I set off on my month in Paris adventure. Ok, I can do that - but still, I felt afraid.
When I arrived in Paris I was on cloud nine. My whole body vibrated as I strolled through Charles de Gaulle airport full of confidence and excitement. I’m exactly where I’m meant to be was the mood of my strut. Then when I arrived in the city late at night it hit me again; aloneness, fear, lost - with only myself to turn to. There were so many people, bright lights, strange smells and the noise was overwhelming. Not exactly the quiet life in the countryside I’m used to.
Everyone here thinks I’m some sort of alien. I go to sleep as their night is getting started, I wake up just after their night has ended and I’m fearful of throwing myself into new experiences, to even walk alone at night. ‘You have so much to give, but you’re keeping it all to yourself. You’re hiding away,’ I’ve been told. I can’t shake these words because they hit me so hard - because there’s a reason this is my natural way. Travelling alone is scary, travelling alone with past sexual trauma is terrifying. But I’ll be damned if I let what’s happened to me before define me or the rest of my life.
When I was 15 I went on holiday with my mum to Greece. We were staying on her friend’s boat which felt very exciting, glamorous and adventurous. I loved sailing from place to place and seeing how each one was different. You never knew what was going to happen next and it was thrilling. Ever the independent kid I asked if I could take the dinghy ashore and wander around the little village I could see from where we were anchored. I was curious and I wanted to explore. Mum said ok so off I went.
In one of the little shops I noticed two men looking at me. Their eyes felt sharp, I got the uncomfortable kind of goosebumps so I left the shop to get away. They followed me. I walked faster but they caught up, and one put his arm around me. My body froze under his grip and I felt as though I’d been caught. They guided me through the backstreets to a beach where there was nobody around.
When they’d finished they walked away and I sat in the shoreline numb. I watched them go and once they were out of sight I washed myself in the sea because I felt dirty. Then I ran back to the dinghy and made my way back to the boat. I felt so ashamed, like I’d done something terrible. For 15 years I didn’t tell a soul.
Walking around Paris alone my body reminds me of that day. Is it any wonder I feel afraid, any wonder I feel hesitant, frozen, on edge? We’re right to feel afraid, it’s normal and oh so understandable. The world can be a frightening place, and how we navigate it shapes both who we are and how we live our lives. I don’t want to hide away anymore but after only a short week here I’ve been reminded of why I’m so afraid to travel alone, to follow my curiosity, to explore newness that excites me but also where there might be danger.
I still want to explore like I did when I was 15 looking at that little village from the boat. I can also feel just as vulnerable and it makes sense to stay home, stay where it’s safe. Who knows what could happen. But I don’t want to let what happened to me define me. I want to be brave. I want to give, to live freely and fully alongside fear.
Perhaps you can resonate with my story. I’m sorry if you do. Perhaps you have other stories that your body remembers holding you back. Trauma is no less valid if it isn’t sexual. It could be a parent who told you not to chase your dreams because they were silly, or travel alone out of love; in case what happened to me happened to you. We all have things that hold us back.
After a week of facing my fears I want to share that I’m glad I have. I’m grateful to my body for doing what it thought I needed to keep safe but now I’m an adult; gently but surely, I know I can overcome these things that hold me back. I can push through, because what’s on the other side isn’t necessarily our worst fear realised. I already know I will never regret my month in Paris and I’m not running away from myself at all, I’m running towards. Sure bad things can happen but bad things can happen no matter where we are or how we live our lives.
We owe it to ourselves to follow our curiosity. Our intuition always knows best and will take us where we’re meant to go if we let it guide us. It’s just so sad that as women we have to navigate the world in a different and much more cautious way, but the world is here for everyone to enjoy as it should be. There is life after trauma. To accept the life we have and be open to what’s next for us, we have to be brave; we have to grant ourselves the love and compassion we need to encourage ourselves. We don’t have to go from 0 to 60, we can be cautious and go slow, but the time is passing us anyway - we may as well enjoy it.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
To not allow trauma to define us is so hard but we can use that experience to encourage others in pain and to say you are precious and valuable and that trauma was not deserved. I read your story and think how much you have to offer and how brave you are to say I will get past this! Praying peace and safety in Paris but also adventure and a beautiful time of discovery ♥️
You have gone so far and You are going even further. Because of people like You we can learn one from another. You are Your own person I can see that. You are so brave and I thank You for what You've decided to share with us. Have the best time in Paris 💕