The afternoon I held my own heart

Learning to sit, listen and be

Hello you!

Do you trust the universe? God maybe? Divine timing? Any higher power will do.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? All things or some things? I do. I believe in synchronicity and I believe in serendipity.

I’d worn my favourite shoes and new bag. I’d travelled by bike and never checked the weather forecast. I rarely do. No umbrella and no coat.

I had a work call at 2pm but figured I could do it there if I found a quiet spot.

Mitalee and I had our usual deep chat about love, life and creativity during her lunch break. I bought her a coffee and then walked her back to the office. After my work call the plan was to go home and write.

Then it started to rain.

I’d left the battery on my bike. I couldn’t leave it chained to a lamppost for long else it would likely be stolen. If I got an Uber home I’d only have to come back later anyway.

Wait I thought. Just wait.

I wandered at first, like a caged lion - up and down the pathways of Palais Royal, looking in the windows at vintage couture, Chanel jewellery and Alaia dresses, wondering about the women who had worn them, what stories had unfolded around them and what character they played in such tales. I stood and watched a man writing in a ledger at his desk, resembling a Dickensian character. The women getting their hair done at a salon, chatting and laughing. About what I wondered.

So many distractions.

Eventually, the third time I passed him I nodded and smiled at the waiter of the cafe I’d been wanting to try for a while.

‘Emporter ou sur place madame?’ (To take away or sit in?) he asked.

‘Sur place, s’il vous plait,’ I replied. I’m going to sit. I need to sit.

And so I sat. For two hours until the rain stopped. No book. No notebook. No pen. I was just me and I was.

Twos surrounded me. There was the couple of influencers planning potential compositions they wanted to take of one another for their social media content. Two of girls on a trip to Paris who’d also probably found the cafe online and wanted their shots to prove they’d been. Then there were the two fashion designers, from Sweden I think given their looks and accent, deciding which photos to share to their brand’s Instagram story.

Finally there was me. No instagram. No photos. I’d succumb. I was just sat. Alone.

It wasn’t enjoyable at first but then it was. The feeling of surrender lightened me the most. It brought peace. Once a guilty pleasure to sit and do nothing in a world that gives out badges of honour for being busy, Paris made me feel like it was ok. Not to rush, not to fight, instead accept flow and immerse into the moment. The sights, sounds, smells, scents and tastes. This is how we slow down time I’m told.

There was no desire for coffee but I ordered one anyway - my usual cappuccino with oat milk.

As I sat and the distractions faded further and further away I started to feel my heart, and then I took an imaginary step back and observed it, cradled on its own beating away - in need of nothing.

It wasn’t broken and no heart to sit with would change it. Regardless of the joy and the pain it continues in rhythm.

This is a lesson I’m learning right now. It’s a difficult one but it feels so important. That I’m ok just me, without anyone or anything. I cannot be abandoned. My heart is held. I’m safe and I’m whole.

Do you hold your own heart? Can you sit with it? How does it feel?

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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