Simple slow living in my marriage vs my single life

Slowness has many seasons but each experience teaches something

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Hello you

There’s only one way to say this. It’s a lot easier to live a simpler slower life when you’re single. If you were looking for a definite answer I just saved you having to read the whole piece. On the other hand however, if you’d like a deep dive into how I experienced the shift when I divorced; grab a cuppa, get comfy and let’s dive in…

My minimalist journey / obsession began 4 years into my marriage. We had already moved 3 times and were well established in our home as well as our relationship. Our roles were clear. Decluttering was my first port of call, which these days is a way of life, but back then I remember how bizarre it seemed to those around me, including my husband.

When I began the Kon Mari method, I followed Marie’s advice in terms of living with another - do not under any circumstances touch another person’s possessions. Stick to your own. Item by item he watched as I piled up my letting gos in our conservatory until eventually you could no longer see the floor. I’m pretty sure he thought I’d lost my mind but he was accepting of my nature and didn’t make too much of a fuss. Soon enough, just as Marie had predicted, because I didn’t try to change his ways - he became curious about the changes I was making. There was now a distinct difference between us and the grass clearly looked greener on my side.

He began decluttering a lot of his items too. I was pleased to see this because the space in the house increased even more, but being the Libra man he is - everything was in moderation. He didn’t feel the need to go to the same extremes as me , though he respected my choices and I respected his.

So the possessions side was easy. We always said our marriage was built on two things; respect and laughter - and we lived in peaceful harmony as a result. I feel grateful to have never been mocked, questioned or challenged for my living choices. He was secure enough to not see them as a threat to his own.

The difficulties came when I decided to widen my minimalism net beyond the physical and bigger changes began to ripple. My tastes changed, desires and what were considered radical ideals emerged. I wanted to redecorate. I wanted to minimise our debt and I wanted to bring my creative dreams to life in the hope of building a new career. Now we had a problem.

It’s not that I was becoming a different person, it’s that I was stripping away the inauthentic version of myself I’d crafted to fit in and now I was uncovering what or who was underneath. The core of myself, fragile and in desperate need of nurturing. My cancer diagnosis at age 25 resulted in a firm promise to myself that I would no longer live a life I was going to regret. I just didn’t know what that looked like yet.

When you create physical space in your life it will inevitably be filled with personal reflection and a sense of autonomy that you not only know what’s best for you, but the confidence to take action too. I had to compromise my dreams and my version of minimalism in my relationship. There was no place for my new found values to concrete and as I hadn’t been this person when we met, it’s understandable he was confused. It feels important to reiterate here that my love of slow simple reason wasn't the reason for my divorce.

Fast forward to my single life in Paris and of course I can do what I want, when I want and truly - it is the best part of being single. If I want to invest my money I can. If I want to scale back on the size of the home I live in so I can pursue my creative dreams with as little fixed income stress as possible - I can. And it’s wonderful.

This isn’t to say slowness doesn’t still come with challenges in a single life. My experience has been those around me expect me to be free all the time and so the reason for not meeting being ‘I need rest’ or ‘I’m having a quiet day to myself’ still puzzles them. A partner in these instances would actually be the perfect excuse and definitely a much more palatable one.

There’s more inner stillness in a single slow life, but also more inner dialogue. Reclaiming time, space and softness is easier, though the moments of silence can feel sharp. I’ve had to learn how to self-soothe, self-hold and self-celebrate. The benefits of cultivating such inner strength have solidified an unshakeable foundation of inner knowing, self-sufficiency and personal empowerment I’ll be able to call on for eternity.

Do I miss his obscenely lavish record collection and luxury car payments? No, of course not. Do I miss a life full of romantic love and companionship? Absolutely. I’m not sure how my values and ways of living will play out when I’m in a relationship but I know there will have to be compromises, this is human merging. It’s normal and expected - but the benefits of connection and love in return are worth it.

I feel grateful for each of my slow seasons. Both offered growth, grace and a deeper understanding of self. I also feel curiosity for what’s next and often wonder what kind of relationship I’ll slip into, whether he’ll enjoy the slow life too - or perhaps be a little more fast paced. As long as both our needs are respected I see no reason why either matters too much. I’ve found this is the key in any relationship; to not only see the other person - but to accept and respect them as they are whilst simultaneously wanting the best for them, whatever that looks like for them to thrive and grow. There is you, there is them and there is we. Ideally we grow together. Alternatively, we grow apart.

Have you experienced multiple slow seasons? I’d love to hear your experiences.

Lots of love

Jessica xxx

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