How to meet people in real life
The art of making heartfelt connections (app free)
Trigger warning - I talk about sexual abuse in this piece, but also overcoming it.
Hello you
The first time I suffered sexual abuse I was 14 years old. I shared this experience in a previous post and see no need to go over it again, but I do feel the need to start this letter with such a detail. It’s important.
It’s important because for 15 years afterwards I never spoke a word about it and as my awareness grew through talking therapy, I realised I’d never felt comfortable under the male gaze. Understandably and humanly, my body had associated attention or connection with danger and found ways to minimise the potential of it, all subconsciously of course. If I’d been a flower I’d seeded myself in the shade, hiding from the sun, struggling to bloom.
When I found myself single in my 30s and romantically curious, I tried dating apps as meeting people this way felt safe. I felt in control here, able to reply and meet as well as exit when I felt comfortable without the overwhelm of less predictable real life interactions. Last summer however, things changed. Since then I’ve been meeting guys organically in real life and it’s been a transformative experience both for my dating life and inner confidence. No apps. Just pure, authentic connection.
I went from shuffling around with my head down and never being approached to being given handwritten letters on a train, having numbers put in my handbag and strangers sitting down beside me feeling comfortable to talk for an hour. I feel open now, confident and in my true nature. But it’s taken some intentional tweaking over time. My friends constantly ask how I do it, so I figured I’d detail my process.
I wanted to share the story behind the advice that follows because I want you to know the purpose of this post is not to help you capture as much male attention as possible for manipulation or obsession like a lot of the ‘black cat’ content we’re seeing right now. The purpose of this post is to help you feel safe in your own skin, step into your light, basque there and connect with likeminded souls. If like me, you’ve experienced pain in the past I want you to know this doesn’t have to define your future. It’s my wish for everyone to feel safe and abundant so we can connect as we’re intended to. No more hiding. No more resistance.
For those of you who are coupled, but looking to meet new friends - most of these tips translate to platonic connections and I’ve also found myself meeting new friends in real life too, or at least having heartfelt conversations in the real world.
So here we go. Here’s what I shifted…
Slow down - I know you’re busy. You’re thinking about what to post on social media, what someone else just posted, how late you are and all the things you want to buy or tick off your to do list - but people won’t see you if you’re rushing. They won’t have a chance. Being in a state of rush gives off the don’t bother me vibe, so people simply won’t.
Put your phone away - It’s impossible to be in our bodies when our eyes are connected to a screen. This shuts us down. We’re unconscious. When was the last time you felt comfortable approaching someone who was glued to their phone? A good, healthy guy (or anyone) will feel nervous about approaching you. It will require a lot of courage and so making it as easy as possible for him is an act of kindness. Having your phone out of sight is the equivalent of having a green light above your head that signals ‘approachable’.
Smile - nothing too crazy, just a clear confirmation from human to human will do. Smiling at people in general is a an act of generosity. It indicates you’ve seen them, their essence and they matter. In fact, smile at as many people as possible. It is a bottomless currency of abundance.
Eye contact - use this wisely. The eyes are the window to the soul and when held for long periods of time you can have an entire relationship through eye contact alone. Only hold it with someone you’re genuinely interested in. It is the most powerful spell of all.
Be where you feel happiest - imagine being in a beautiful museum or library instead of swiping profiles online. Your energy will shine in the places that uplift and inspire you. Trust that the right people will find you when you’re living both fully and authentically. Romantic connections grow in unexpected places and while you don’t have to hunt, you do need to be present. Romantic energy comes from being in your own story, not waiting for someone else to write it.
Beautify - I’m not talking about a full face of makeup or high heels etc, but dressing in a way that makes you feel beautiful will completely change the way you carry yourself and the overall energy you radiate. At the bare minimum love yourself in the way you want to be loved. For me this looks like a simple but consistent routine in the morning where I make sure my hair is clean and shiny, my body is showered and moisturised and my skin is glowing from a trusted skincare routine. Make up is minimal but enhances the parts of my face I like and my clothes are comfortable as well as confidence boosting. I do not wait for a special occasion to wear my favourite clothes. This is not a dress rehearsal. Every day is worth dressing up for.
Think slow, soft and open - and then watch how your movement shifts, your face softens and your body relaxes. Beauty isn’t just about what’s on the outside. Your inner world arguably matters more. Focusing on loving, calm and positive thoughts will change not only the way you appear but also how you feel, which leads me to…
Feel gratitude, peace and love - the more you feel these emotions throughout the day the more situations that bring these feelings will fall at your feet. We attract what we are. To feel on command isn’t always easy but having a daily gratitude practice, mindfulness routines and connections to immerse yourself in can help. If you’re struggling you can visualise situations you think would bring you these feelings or remember times that did.
Let your intuition lead - if you feel drawn to a certain place, go. If you want to take a detour, do it. Our heart knows more than we give it credit for and the less we resist the path it wants us to take the easier life will be. I’m yet to regret trusting the unknown. As Mary Oliver said, ‘keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.’
Be present - Feel your feet on the ground, name things you can see, smell and even how the air tastes. You are not your thoughts or even your feelings, this is your ego. You are the awareness behind them and the essence of life that resides in your soul. Live, breathe and move from this place as much as possible. To be present is to be magnetic.
Posture - ballet has helped me the most here but pilates and yoga are great posture practice too. Try dropping your shoulders, elongating your neck or imagining a string coming out of the crown of your head that lifts you up and open your chest. Yes, everything the traumatised body tells you not to do. So much of our communication is non-verbal and open body language will invite another body to connect.
Know your timings - when you’re ovulating (if you ovulate), during a new moon or personal venus / jupiter transits are the times you carry a little extra sparkle. They don’t guarantee anything but like it’s useful to know the weather, it’s useful to know what energies are at play to harness. My favourite apps to track these timings are clue, chani and the pattern.
I’m conscious that I live in the area of a city I consider safe which has been a privilege when it comes to putting these changes into practice. It might not have been so fun elsewhere, especially given how powerful I’ve seen them play out. Before you decide to open yourself up, it can be reassuring to have the right language in your back pocket should you attract unwanted attention. If you’re not interested in a connection, or you feel unsafe at any time then simply say you’re flattered but you have a boyfriend and you have to go. It’s as simple as that. Practice self-care afterwards if you’re a people pleaser and setting boundaries feels triggering for you.
The twist to the story I shared in the beginning, is these men were Italian. This made my solo trip to Italy even more significant, daunting and healing. Do I think all Italian men are like them? Capable and willing to do the same as they did? Of course not. Does my traumatised body not only remember but keep the score? Absolutely. It was a fine delicate balance to be a single girl in Italy alone, not only that but to put myself out there and feel safe. I was nervous to say the least and had no idea how it might go, but as I said - past doesn’t predict future and I refuse to let their behaviour determine my life.
Waiting for my train back to Paris in Turin station, I was sitting on a bench with my suitcase beside me. It was a new moon in Taurus, conjunct my vertex (the point of fated meetings in a birth chart). An Italian guy came over and sat down next to me. He was soft in his energy and had a kind face. We made eye contact. We both smiled. He asked me if I was going to Paris and we started talking. The conversation was small but easy and flowed. When the train came in he asked which carriage I was sitting in. Mine was 17. His was 16. At this point he realised we’d need to separate and asked for my number.
Back in Paris we had a date. He booked a table at a La Marine and we spent 4 hours talking, laughing and sharing food before he walked me back to my metro stop. When he linked my arm and pulled me in close my body didn’t stiffen or flinch, it softened and I smiled. Progress. Healing. Trust.
Clearly still nursing his broken heart, this wasn’t the date destined to turn into many, but it was the date my 14 year old self both needed and deserved - and to Marco, I’m eternally grateful for it.
I hope sharing my experience helps open your world a little. Perhaps you’ll try out all the tips I’ve shared, perhaps you’ll just try one. As always with my work, feel free to take what serves you and leave what doesn’t.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
I always try to give people a smile, you never know who might need that smile to make their day a little bit better. Often have interesting conversations with all sorts of people. Your advice is really useful just for good society.
What a lovely piece. Thank you for reminding us to soften and open. Feeling safe in the body is challenging after experiencing abuse and you gently and beautifully share a container that allows us to embody divine feminine energy. Thank you.