Hello you
Last night I dreamt about a boy who ghosted me. I’ve come to learn it’s not the events or imagery of dreams that hold the meaning, it’s the feelings. How did I feel in the dream? Rejected. Of course I did. This is what he represents.
Our dreams are where our subconscious process what needs to be processed for release and healing. In my waking life I’ve experienced a far more painful life altering rejection this last week regarding my French visa, so the dream wasn’t random. They never are.
I’ve been a little quiet these last couple of weeks and this is why. Whenever I have to return to UK I feel my energy shift significantly and it’s hard for me to create from this state. Frustration is what I feel mainly; a restlessness that makes it difficult to settle emotionally and I’m always counting down the days until I can return where I call home - Paris. Bad news about my visa has been devastating and I’ve needed time to retreat, cry and lick my wounds.
Life naturally holds us in states of pause. If we’re part of nature then we experience the seasons no differently. There are times of rapid growth, blossoming, withering and hibernation. There are also all the moments in-between and as much as we’d love to live our lives like a planning calendar, the universe doesn’t work that way. It doesn’t know strategies, clocks or ten point plans, but I do believe there is always a larger plan unfolding for each of us, even if we can’t see it at the time. And that plan is designed to serve our highest good. Pauses are part of the process and personally I surrender to trust in this.
So my visa renewal didn’t go as I’d hoped. My plan unravelled. Life has asked me to pause, to stop and to listen instead. It’s also left me with the very human feelings of failure, humiliation, shame, hopelessness, confusion, shock and grief.
I thought I’d done everything right. I was sure Paris was my home, my destiny and perhaps my greatest mistake…the light at the end of what was once a very dark tunnel. Having the possibility of a life in Paris taken away from me has made me realise how much I’ve tied my identity to it. Perhaps this is my lesson to learn here?
Control is always an illusion. The only things we can control in our lives is our own behaviour, and that’s a test of strength most of the time too. It’s not easy. This year I chose flow as my word of the year and committed to choosing trust over control. It’s shown up in many different ways so far and once again I’m being redirected. I’ve come to believe rejection is just that, redirection.
The boy that ghosted me did so because he committed to someone else. I know now we weren’t the right fit. I’m grateful for the redirection with hindsight and I’m sure I’ll see this one in the same way once the dust settles. Without his ghosting I may never have gone to Paris in the first place, and what a tragedy that would have been. It feels comforting to reassure myself that disappointment has a way of opening doors to new rhythms.
My new rhythm is unclear right now. This isn’t the letter where I tell you a new door has opened. For now, I’m living in a state of in between, reflection and uncertainty. That’s life sometimes, but I know like everything else it will pass and all the inner work I’ve done so far means I’m able to hold myself in such circumstances. I know my priority is to nourish my body, sleep well, create and move gently. It’s nervous system regulation 101.
As a result, while I’m still feeling disorientation, I’m beginning to see that opportunities are plentiful. I’ve travelled to enough beautiful places this year to know there’s life outside of Paris, even if that’s where I feel most at home and inspired as a creator. The lessons I’m leaning into gratitude for here, are that I must continue building my inner world dependent on where I live and the identity I attach myself to. This is an illusion, clearly. It’s our soul and our being that remain. I also need to stop running from the restlessness and frustration I feel when I’m in the UK and this will be my practice in the short term.
Moving to Paris wasn’t purely about running away, but part of it was and I see that now. I’ve realised it’s the mirror I have to look in when I’m back here that causes such uncomfortable feelings. I’m terrified of regressing into a past version of myself. Well, maybe it’s time to stop turning away from her, hold her in my arms and give her the love she deserves in the place she needed it most. I don’t know. I’m still processing all this, and of course writing is how I do so. I hope sharing the mess behind the scenes helps you in any uncertain moments of your own, because life is messy, it’s supposed to be, but that doesn’t make it any less meaningful or beautiful. Remember what was at the bottom of Pandora’s box? Hope.
We’ve all had moments where life has derailed a plan. Flow means reimagining and not giving up. Sometimes the path we didn’t choose ends up choosing us. Thank you for your patience and your presence. Truly you are what keeps me moving forwards, even if it’s slowly. New seasons will come, new content will be created and Paris will always remain, how much in my life I’m not sure.
I’d love to hear stories of your redirections if you’re willing to share. They’d bring me great comfort right now, and maybe for others too.
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
I know I won't be the only one to read this and want to give you the biggest virtual hug. The universe may have it's plans, but at the moment I'm sure this feels like the biggest plot twist imaginable. You suited Paris, Paris suited you. I met you, very briefly, in the jardin du luxembourg last December, and we spoke about running from something ( and towards something, both things can be true ) and the words you wrote above about holding that past self in your arms and showing her the love she needed struck such a chord.
My biggest rejection was my dismissal from a job that had become everything, and that loss changed everything for me, I became happier, so much healthier, and realised I was much more than the job I did. For a long time after I gave credit for all those changes to that loss, yet in the last few years I've realised that those changes weren't a given, but down to choices I made for myself. So yes, I believe rejection is re-direction, that the rejection turns us away from things that aren't right for us, or rather not right for us any longer, but the infinite possibilities that are left are ours to take, or not? Hold on tightly to Hope, physically and metaphorically 🤍
I’m so sorry to hear this and I know it must be so daunting thinking about what is next. I lived in the United States for 14 years and, due to a government rule, I ended up having to leave and return to the UK alone. I was 4,000 miles away from family, no job, no home, I had to ship my dog over later and I would cry myself to sleep every night worrying about what I would do. BUT, I’m happier now than I ever was in the US. Ironically, so many of the life circumstances that have been completely out of my control have been for the better. I know my capabilities now, I’m happier, my dog is happier, we live the quiet life we dreamed of and I feel at home. It’ll be scary for a while but I promise it’ll get better. Sending huge hugs from Wales!
P.S. Your beautiful life inspired me to book a solo birthday trip to Paris in November. The inspiration you gave me was from you and how you choose to live, not where you live. With that being said, thank you for this and I know you will thrive anywhere.