Hello you!
I normally wait until 6 months have passed before I write a check in regarding how things are going with my word of the year. This one is different. My word for this year is divine feminine. Things are happening fast and I feel the urge to document them. I’m also conscious that feminine energy is a subject a lot of us are interested in so I feel a duty to report back what I’m learning in real time.
If you’d like to read more about why and how this particular word of the year came to me you can do so here. To sum things up I felt tired of living in a survival mode state and curious about what this particular word could do for me. It wasn’t a word I understood very well but felt like it chose me. I’m still at the beginning. We’re not even a third of the way through the year but so far this is the most transformative word I’ve lived alongside yet. There’s still so much I don’t know about it, how to embody it or what it truly means but what I’m experimenting with so far is this;
Trusting my intuition first, above everything else
When my body speaks I’m committed to listening
Fully embracing feelings and emotions when they arise
Striving to stay soft when I feel the need to put a protective shield up
No longer viewing my trauma or emotional wounds as a badge of honour
I’m also pondering the question, what does life look and feel like from a place of being instead of doing?
Here’s what changes I’m noticing already…
Details - I’m noticing and appreciating details in a way I haven’t before, which always frustrated me. Being a big picture thinker has advantages but it left me feeling on the outside somehow. Now, I feel like I’m living on a deeper level. It isn’t a practice, it just happens and then I notice myself doing it and think huh, I never used to notice details like this. I always had to make more effort. In terms of creativity this is great news. The more I notice the more I have to photograph, film and write about. Noticing details makes my job easier but it also feels very peaceful because there’s a cyclic presence to it. I need to be present to notice details but also the noticing of them brings me into the present. It’s a very new and strange sensation but I’m excited to see where it goes.
Slowing down - I’ve stopped rushing and better yet I’ve stopped feeling guilty about not rushing. My body never wants me to rush, only my mind does. I no longer rush to get ready, to be somewhere ahead of time or complete work on a deadline. Rushing no longer exists - unless absolutely necessary. If I find myself short on time I choose something to cancel or let go of but my wellbeing is never sacrificed. Prioritising is becoming more fluid and natural now my body is calling the shots. I either decline invitations or I do what there is time for and accept that. I find myself living in a state of steady flow a lot or creating this when I feel out of balance and it feels like the most natural thing in the world. There’s peace to it, almost like time has slowed down.
Saying no - Prioritising listening to my body means having to say no a lot more than I’m comfortable with, but I’m doing it. So far nothing bad has happened as a result, except the uncomfortable feelings but these pass. Boundaries are something I want to keep working on this year.
Owning my desire - the sensual side of femininity is one I was particularly excited to experiment with. For years I’ve felt dead inside in terms of passion and desire. When this part of me woke up I didn’t know what to do with it. I judged it, ignored it or felt ashamed of it - none of these were helpful. Now I’m owning my desire, my wanting, the capacity I have for pleasure and accepting this part of myself, cherishing it as sacred even.
Depths of feelings - Feeling my feelings has been a long journey for me. When I first started therapy at 29 I was so detached from my feelings I was given a feelings chart to make it easier to name them. Without this I simply didn’t have the language. I’d learned to block out feelings as much as I could but unless we feel them they remain lodged inside us and manifest in other ways such as pain, addiction or other compulsive behaviours. I no longer feel afraid of my feelings the way I did last year and since living alongside this word I’m experiencing new depths of them, both good and bad. More than that, and I know this sounds a little trippy, I’m observing them. It’s as if I can see them, their colour, shape, the speed at which they travel. I feel closer to them than ever before and it’s a truly magical sensation to let them pass through me. Each one serves a purpose and is welcome free from fear or judgement. I’m not sure where this will go but it’s interesting to witness and I think I always had this ability, I just denied myself access to it.
Receiving - I let people help me now. This was incredibly difficult in the beginning because it felt like letting people in, far too close for comfort. What if they let me down? What if they said no? What if I lost control? Control has been a key theme I’ve noticed so far as well. I don’t try to control every aspect of a situation anymore. The micro manager in me is disappearing. I have to be more patient this way but there’s less energy wasted as a result. I’ve started outsourcing video editing for my vlogs, photography so I can create the kind of content I’ve dreamed about, all of which felt terrifying in the beginning but now I’m learning that collaboration is powerful and it’s a gift to let people help you.
Creativity - I’ve never felt more proud of the work I’m creating than I do now. It’s as if I have access to a deeper well to draw from. My intention here this year was to create from a place of being instead of ego and noticing the difference has been fascinating. When I create from a place of being it’s for the greater good. I don’t care about the numbers or what people think of me and it comes from a deeper place inside. There’s a detachment from the outcome and with that a new sense of pride, I think because of the authenticity that comes with creating in this way.
Caring for my body - I wash and moisturise it mindfully each day, every single inch. A few years ago this was unheard of. Washing myself in the bath was something I’d rush through because I couldn’t stand the confrontation I was flooded with and moisturising was a complete no no because of how awful it made me feel. I’m learning to enjoy the massaging of oil into it each morning and through this act I’m getting to know it better, accept it and love it. There’s a connection forming that I’ve never felt before and it’s an emotional experience.
This is all very new for me and I’m only just beginning to make sense of it. I think it’s incredible how we have the ability to change ourselves, to guide ourselves to the places we want to go if we’re brave enough to face our fears and follow our curiosity. I’m cheering you on to do the same and I’m wondering if you’ve noticed any changes alongside your word of the year yet? I’d love to hear them.
We’ll do a word of the year / vision board check in live session soon!
Lots of love
Jessica xxx
Girl, you could have been writing about my recent change of perspective. A brush with death (well, cancer) can do that for you. At my age (82) you must be careful about such things as, say, parking your car, taking off your shoes and walking barefooted through the grass along the roadside. Someone will think you're a dotty old lady who's lost her way. I believe having faced the notion that I might be leaving this plane, I decided to slow down, look for something beautiful to focus on each day and live a life I never had time for before. I hope everyone who reads this gets that same message. THANK YOU for being you.
Gosh, I could comment on so many aspects of this post Jess, I loved it so much 💗
But I guess what I will share is that a part you said here really resonated with me: “I’d learned to block out feelings as much as I could but unless we feel them they remain lodged inside us and manifest in other ways such as pain, addiction or other compulsive behaviours”.
I no longer drink alcohol but when I did, that is what I used it for, to numb the feelings that were too painful to feel. The trauma that I dealt with when I was young was manifesting in these overwhelming feelings and alcohol put them back in their box.
I agree with you that these feelings do stay lodged inside of us and it is quite a bit of work to actually “feel them” and feel safe and know that we are coming out the other side. I am still a work in progress but I am proud to say that I am 3 years sober and there is something to be said for that ✨