Hello you!
At the start of summer I had four very clear ideas visit me.
Stay off Instagram until September
Forget dating
Run a summer creative writing class on substack
Lean into pleasure and enjoy a single girl summer in Paris
I live in the camp where we believe ideas are other worldly. We are the one’s who graduated from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Big Magic university. I like the way this notion takes the pressure off ideas because if I didn’t come up with them then I can’t be stupid for doing so either. It helps keep the negative voices at bay and my self-worth out of the equation. Still, these ideas terrified me - some more than others.
Here’s what my inner critic had to say
- You can’t stay off Instagram because your business won’t survive without it, plus everyone will unfollow you
- What do you know about writing? Nobody will be interested in what you have to say, besides you get sweaty and nervous when you do live events - you’ll look stupid
- If you don’t keep dating you might miss out on ‘the one’
- You’re single in Paris! Your life is supposed to be croissants and sex
- You have work to do, never mind enjoying yourself
I hear my inner critic, I really do. There were some understandable concerns in there but things are different these days. I’m starting to listen to ideas that come to me instead of dismissing them immediately for sounding so absurd, unrealistic or uncool. My move to Paris began as an idea that came to me in ballet class one day for goodness sake and I can’t bare to think of all the wonderful memories that wouldn’t of happened if I’d listened to my inner critic and stayed home.
So I deleted the dating app on my phone, deleted Instagram, crafted an email to tell everyone who subscribes to the simple letter (you!) I’d be running a creative summer writing class if anyone fancied joining in and I made a Paris bucket list of all the things I’d like to do. All of this happened quietly, there felt no need to make any grand announcements. Sometimes we need to simply slip away and get to work on what feels scary but right, and that’s allowed.
Here’s what actually happened…
I realised how much time dating had been taking up and what a distraction it had been both physically and mentally. Once the withdrawal symptoms subsided I also realised what my friends had been telling me over and over was right - I wasn’t ready to meet someone. In sex and the city speak my light wasn’t on. I didn’t know what I wanted other than to see what was available on the menu and time to figure this out free from distractions proved fruitful. I have a much clearer idea now and feel ready to date with awareness.
- I took myself on creative Artist Dates every Sunday (Julia Cameron style) and long may these continue. Building my diary back up from scratch with Paris as the new backdrop of my life has been testing. I’ve made this new life happen but I had to decide what I wanted to do with it and remember I had a choice over how I spend my time, or if I didn’t choose then someone else would choose for me. A regular creative date with myself every Sunday was one of the first items I put in my calendar.
- Ballet came back into my life. I don’t speak French but I do speak ballet and luckily all the moves are in French. When I found FitBallet I knew it was where I wanted to start classes. I was running (literally) late to my first class because I got on the bus going the wrong way but when I heard the music from outside the studio I knew I was in the right place. The moves are all I need to understand and the rest is good practice for my French.
- I took complete control of my finances and learnt how to invest in the stock market. Getting really good with money and creating a new budget was on my list of goals for this year but no steps had been taken until this summer. Creating a ‘new life’ budget felt so exciting and empowering but it didn’t stop there. Now my finances run on autopilot and juggling the complexities of them are one less thing to worry about. All the energy I was spending on worrying about uncertainty and whether I could even afford to live in Paris can be refocused onto things that matter like growing my business. It took a lot of time to lay the groundwork but very much worth it.
- Books became entertainment again. Attention span wise I’ve struggled to read like I used to but the space I’d created quickly filled with words. I read 10 books over the summer and devoured all those audible credits that had been left unused. I read about love a lot, creativity, sex and money. You can read more about my book recommendations in the what’s been adding value letters series. Reading became a habit again and my mind felt calmer for it, nourished too.
- I’m writing 500 words a day and my writing routine has never felt so effortless. There was an equal amount of sadness and joy in experimenting with my writing routine. For years I’ve been an afternoon writer but that changed this summer. Now I am a as soon as I get out of bed in the morning writer. It’s sad because I realised the reason I was never able to make this work was because of demands placed on me by others in my past life and how easily I’d given into these. The joy is in how right and productive it feels now and how there is nobody around to stop me. I’m free.
- I filmed vlogs I feel proud of again. I had no intention to stop vlogging or publishing on substack but without the instagram shout outs my posts on both platforms didn’t receive as much traffic. I felt upset to begin with but then I noticed something really important. When I was happy with the piece whether it be vlog or writing I didn’t care about the numbers. When we create for numbers there’s a performance element to our work and what does well isn’t always what we enjoy creating the most. It’s hard to balance business and art, the two are in no way the same but have to co-exist and we have to decide which end of the spectrum we’d like to sit. I firmly planted myself further down the arty end and this is where I intend to reside.
- 99% of the Instagram community stuck around and I had an above average money month. It feels incredibly reassuring to know that tiny app on my phone doesn’t have nearly as much power as I feared. I don’t need it like I thought I did. Instagram wants to be the centre of our universe but it isn’t. Knowing this by actually proving it to myself has resulted in me feeling free to experiment on there, have more fun and be less afraid.
- The summer writing class I ran here on substack was the highlight of my week and helped a lot of people. It turns out I do have something to offer fellow writers. I can help others by just sharing what I’ve learned over all those years I’ve dedicated to myself writing. It turned out what I have to say is valuable. The feedback I received from the class quietened my inner critic a lot and I felt really proud of myself for not only doing what scared me but also giving back.
- Week by week I shaped and structured my life to the point where it feels like my own again. Now I’ll know if and where someone new might fit in whether that be platonic or romantic. It feels empowering to have boundaries around the kind of life I want for myself and to have what matters to me scheduled into my diary each week, still with enough space for some spontaneity and plenty of rest so life can happen in between. Balance has been restored.
- Paris has really begun to feel like home. People in the local area wave to me now; the bookshop owner, the waiter, the woman who walks the grumpiest dog you’ve ever seen, the guy who works in the estate agents. Familiarity has developed and it cocoons me. I’m settled. It’s clear now which are my favourite parts of the city and which are no gos because they’re just not me. Also, I get on the bus going in the right direction.
This summer hasn’t been all good. There have been nights of loneliness but I’ve sat with the pain instead of reaching for distraction. I needed that and I came through other side soon enough. This is why we find it so hard to be alone with ourselves, really alone. When we create space we get rid of distractions and all those uncomfortable feelings, thoughts flood in. They don’t feel good so we’re tempted to numb them through instant gratifications but long term this doesn’t work. It isn’t healthy.
Weaning myself off instant gratification like Instagram and dating took a while but I’ve settled into myself as a result and it feels very wholesome, grounding and solid. I’m proud of myself for leaning into fear. Laid in bed with Hope the other day I said, ‘I haven’t felt peace like this in a long time, and that feels really nice’. There’s no way to know for sure but in years to come I have a strong feeling that I’ll look back on this summer as one of the happiest of my life. My single girl summer in Paris.
I wanted to share my experience with you in the hope of encouraging you to listen to ideas that come knocking on your door too. Sometimes the timing isn’t right but give them a chance and open your mind. Take a little time before you dismiss them to consider and challenge what your inner critic has to say. Be curious and follow that curiosity. What can you let go of? What might that welcome in?
Lots of love
Jessica x
Really loved this, Jessica. So glad you took time off to settle into your single girl summer in Paris :) It's really given me pause for thought over where I'm spending my valuable time, and how I can find the peace you talk about. Thank you for sharing!
Ooh yes I’m a roll out of bed and write person too! Which is also weird because I do all my other work best in the afternoon. 🤷♀️